while the family sleeps . . .

HELLO! I have missed you all. Everyone comment on this post so we can share good times.

I have been out in the yard a lot. We are doing a full frontal lawn replacement. And let me tell you, it is ugly. I have an army of lawn and leaf bags on my front porch right now, standing sentry over my home. The garbage people will only let me put 25 out for pick-up per week. That sounds like a lot, right? Well, so far I've gone through about 115 bags.

Yes, I roto-tilled all the dead/weed top part and that's what I'm raking. Let me add. There's a lot of it. Anyone looking to start a compost pile? Come on down! Take all you need. Maybe I will put a sled-riding hill in the back . . . hmmm.

So, I promise to post more. This is my postly promise, I know, but I have been busy. But soon, this project will be over and I will never do anything around house again. Amen.

pizza-stuffed human

Hello my minions!

Well, tonight I was tilling the sheeet out of my yard. Pictures to follow. I think I am going to start a blog series called, "This Stupid House." And it will be all about me trying to do shit of which I am incapable. Right now, I'm fubaring up my front lawn.

You see, the previous owner of this home passed away and while her daughter made some interior improvements in preparation for selling it, the yard kind of went to pot (not the literal, smokable kind). I'd say last summer it was about 50% weed/crabgrass 50% grass mix. It was bad, but maybe salvageable. After the heat of this summer, it went to 90% BS, 10% dead and 100% irritating.

That's where I come in. I have tilled the entire front and now I must rake it. Then I have to pseudo-level it (I say pseduo because I don't know how to do it for real), then topsoil it. Then seed, water, etc.

This is sure to be a huge embarrassing failure.

correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, won't they lock me up and throw away the key?

So, you'd like to buy some coyote urine? Well, I don't know where to get it . . . from your neighbor? That's where I got it. I'm not sure why he had it, but he said it was a real pain to collect it - ZING! No, he had it to scare off critters at his cabin. Unfortunately, I have no better idea where to get coyote urine than I did before I had coyote urine.

At any rate, the trap is set. Do groundhogs enjoy celery with peanut butter? Apparently, not a ton because that's been out there for a couple of days. Also, I've found a guy who will "take care of my problem" should I trap the groundhog. This could be a mafia thing and frankly, at this point, I'm on-board. I don't have a problem with aligning myself with La Cosa Nostra on this one.

In other news, Thanksgiving at our house this year. Come check out our family room - it's goldenrod now. There is no way that was the name of the paint as it has to have been taken by an adult film star/James Bond character. Also, there is a bunch of stuff hanging where the walls had been barren. Best news yet, I haven't killed myself attempting any of these home projects. +1 for me. However, next up, moving a chandelier higher. Yes, IT'S ELECTRIC - BOOGIE WOOGIE WOOGIE WOOGIE.

where there's coyote urine . . .

There must certainly be a coyote Mr. Groundhog. Yes. Yes indeed. And he just finished an all-week bender and really needs to relieve himself all over the foundation of my home.

This, my friends, is our next strategy. Coyotes apparently can get all bitey with groundhogs. This being the case, we hope that the smell of coyote urine will scare away our groundhog and prevent him from lowering our foundation with his intricate tunneling. I am not a groundhog, but this seems like compelling logic. Coyote urine = coyote. It's simple!

In a related note, coyotes need to drink more water.

some short sleeves are longer than others

So this guy I see on a regular basis always wears polo shirts that have shorter sleeves than his undershirt. It's curious. I don't have much to add to this. I didn't really think this post through to be honest. I was all, "Ok, I have the first sentence. And type."

I have about 800 pounds of leaves in my backyard. Right now I'm refusing to rake so I don't have to rake 20 times this fall. I also still have my groundhog. Should I keep him around for the whole shadow deal in February? Honestly, I'm not sure what to do with him. He is somewhere under the house, perhaps damaging it. Or maybe he provides additional insulation? Regardless, we have a trap. But, if we catch it, we're supposed to euthanize it. Hmm . . . I don't know if I have the bloodlust for that. (It's illegal to relocate them in case they have exotic gopher diseases that don't exist 5 miles from here). Remember Deliverance when John Voight was trying to ARROWED! the deer? That's how I'd be. Really. Could you choke out Punxsutawney Phil?

MAYBE, I could train the gopher to eat the leaves!! For seriously. I would love him forever if he did that. Sure we've got loads of acorns as well, but how about some delicious leaves? No? How about walking into this rectangular metal thingy?

you give me beaver!

Beaver when you kiss me - Beaver in the afternoon ... BEAVER!

Ok, so maybe it's not a beaver, but there is definitely a critter living at/below our house. I believe it is technically a groundhog. And let me tell you, that f#cker has burrowed right up against our house, all snug like, and he is eating insulation and shit.

At first, it was all fun and games. I was running around our porch/sun room with our camera, trying to get a picture of the little guy. Then, all the sudden, "Hey, what's he doing over by the foundation?" I mean, for serious, why is he over there? HEY, HE JUST BURROWED INTO THE GROUND! SON OF A - ! Honestly, who does he think he is? Could he not see his shadow? This was all very disconcerting. I do not want varmints living at/in my home and he's a big SOB. He could do some damage, you know? I thought he was all living under the shed, which I was cool with - no doubt. That's fair game. Only my mowers live in there, not human peoples. But no. He had to go and break the sanctity of a human abode and thereby insult me.

Fine. Now I will be upset and listen to Husker Du. You win beaver . . . or do you?

MATEWAN!

I was in bed this morning have dreams about that movie, but unable to think of its name. I kept wanting to call it Manhattan. Hmmm, I don't think Woody Allen could handle all the violence inherent in a strike-busting scenario. I mean, he's creepy and all, but the hardened coal-miner type would probably just kick his ass - and rightfully so.

At any rate, did I tell you another tree fell down? It was split in half when the first tree fell. Did I tell you about that? I believe I did not . . . here you go:

Now, trees falling NOT on your house are 24k gold - do not get me wrong. But it kind of sucks when you have to cut it into four foot sections and bundle those sections and then put them on your treelawn. I suppose I could have rented a wood-chipper, but after the unfortunate incident I'm afraid of them (seeing Fargo).

At any rate, when that bad boy went down a tree further in the back of the yard went in half. It gamely held on for a few weeks and then crashed on the fence - denting it nicely. And then I had to cut and bundle that bastard. Ah yes people, buy a home, a home with a lot of trees - immediately!

these people like yard work

So, I officially have the worst lawn in the 'hood. This doesn't take much laziness on my part and really, I can still be way lazier than what's led me to owning the worst lawn in the 'hood.

It's not totally my fault. The previous owner was a big gardener, but she got sick, passed away and the house was empty for some time. What was once some sort of modern day Babylonian Gardens is now a random mixture of plants/shrubbery/weeds. Some stuff is dead, some blooming and other stuff is a concrete rabbit.

The thing that sucks is that I need to cut the grass because the weeds are too high. The grass remains at a comfortable height, but the weeds, they grow aggressively. Oh, yard work. Here's to sneezing and skin cancer!

which was the mischevious chipmunk . . . alvin?

Cuz I found him dead in our basement. I think he climbed up the storm drain.

theMonica has a super-sniffer and knew something was dead down there. I thought it smelled like a basement. Maybe we're both right. Maybe dead chipmunks smell like basements. Wrap your minds around that one.

tip: Be a perfectionist at shit you're good at.

Really. It makes no sense for me to be meticulous with household fixer-upper jobs when I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing. I am currently proficient at changing the toilet paper roll. Though the exact mechanics of the paper towel roll have vexed me thus far.

I changed a doorknob/deadbolt in our house yesterday. This is not an 8-hour process, mind you, but when you so seldomly use your drill that you have to charge it twice during one project, things get bogged down.

I found myself taking way too much time trying to get things "just right." When really, I should have been focused on getting things "just locked." Right? That should be my goal. The main problem was that I have rusty metal hooks for hands when it comes to home repair AND the new knoblauch apparatus was throwing wide of first all day slightly different than the old. So I cobbled it together like a drunken shoesmith and now it looks like I allow children to play with power tools in my home, but I'll be damned if they didn't fix that door.

i would already hate us and we haven't moved in yet . . .

So, theMonica made me take a picture of us in front of the "Sold" sign on our new home. (Did I tell you we found a house?) Our northernly next door neighbor was in his driveway while our real estate agent tried in vain to get our camera to take pictures with a dead battery. All I could think about was how if I were the neighbor I would have been running inside to tell theMonica that our new neighbors were cheeseballs. Not that I'm above such whimsy. I am totally a cheeseball just not in the "taking a picture next to the sold sign of your new home" mold.

Anyway, we are trying to negotiate an extended stay for the sign so we can have a proper photoshoot. I am going to bring the giant 2008 numbers so we can pose on those with our chins resting on our crossed hands.