Monday, November 30, 2009

the gorging continues then fades

Well, my peoples, Thanksgiving is over. Do Canadians know why I was away? I assume yes. I remember when I was in Toronto being fascinated with the coverage of US news. It was like being in the US! And then I met some Canadian chicks and gave one my email (SHE asked!) and she never emailed me. I can only assume because she hated/s Americans. Right? I mean, why wouldn't you email me? Deep-seated resentment - yes. Oh, but after that night, the next day I was like top 25 hangovered. Ugh. And we were driving across town to see a buddy's cousin at work. The driver of the car was a big stop-go guy. Like if he could move the car 8 feet he'd slam on the gas and then the brake. When we go to the coffee shop-type place I ordered eggs and dry toast. They thought dry toast was some weird American thing, but really I was just trying to prevent projectile vomiting in their nice establishment. (Side note: "projectile" is the Q to the U of vomiting, not only recommended, but necessary.)

Speaking of being drunk, I was trying on Thanksgiving. But the thing is (and as hoboes everywhere have taught us) continually shoving food in your turkey hole makes it difficult to get your buzz on. Forget turkey - stuffing, desserts, candies, green beans - whatever - all of them are buzz killers, but oh-so delicious. Lesson learned.

On a serious not, give my dad a shout out to JC/your preferred deity/send some good vibrations. He has been struggling health-wise and has sarcoma (a cancerous tumor of connective tissue). The prognosis is mixed; most importantly, it has not spread. Unfortunately, they're concerned about the blood flow to his leg/the possibility of him losing it. So, just putting it out there. I try not to worry about things that have not happened, but it's tough when it's your pops.

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, won't they lock me up and throw away the key?

So, you'd like to buy some coyote urine? Well, I don't know where to get it . . . from your neighbor? That's where I got it. I'm not sure why he had it, but he said it was a real pain to collect it - ZING! No, he had it to scare off critters at his cabin. Unfortunately, I have no better idea where to get coyote urine than I did before I had coyote urine.

At any rate, the trap is set. Do groundhogs enjoy celery with peanut butter? Apparently, not a ton because that's been out there for a couple of days. Also, I've found a guy who will "take care of my problem" should I trap the groundhog. This could be a mafia thing and frankly, at this point, I'm on-board. I don't have a problem with aligning myself with La Cosa Nostra on this one.

In other news, Thanksgiving at our house this year. Come check out our family room - it's goldenrod now. There is no way that was the name of the paint as it has to have been taken by an adult film star/James Bond character. Also, there is a bunch of stuff hanging where the walls had been barren. Best news yet, I haven't killed myself attempting any of these home projects. +1 for me. However, next up, moving a chandelier higher. Yes, IT'S ELECTRIC - BOOGIE WOOGIE WOOGIE WOOGIE.

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Friday, November 20, 2009


Good morning, my name is Roger and I’m a Twilight widower.

I know what you’re thinking. WTF is Twilight. Well, it’s Harry Potter for slightly older kids and apparently my wife and her friends. Twilight is a series of books that is becoming a series of movies and the 2nd of the Twilight series opened last night at midnight. That’s fine. But while I was alone, in my cold, cold bed, theMonica was at Crocker Park watching a bunch of teenage vampires traipse about fantasyland. Yes, it’s another teen vampire movie. I thought Lost Boys/Buffy pretty much shut the door on that sub-genre, but I was wrong. What’s it all about? Why so popular? I’m not sure. So far as I can tell it’s about a clown – a sad clown – a sad clown that won’t put out for his girlfriend. Maybe he’s shy, maybe he has the heiny, maybe he’s repressing something. I can’t really judge because I’ve only seen about 8 minutes of the first movie, but that doesn’t prevent me from judging. He also apparently goes out as a clown because clown make-up allows twilight vampires to withstand daylight. What?? Yah. And they put garlic on their pizza and wear crucifixes. They destroyed all the classic vampire tropes! I don’t even think they can turn into bats and fly or even count really well. Way to ignore hundreds of years of monster history twilight creator!

I’m trying to think of any movie I’ve seen on opening night and . . . . none. I think I saw Rushmore pretty early in its short, short run – me and about 8 other people. My buddy and I were the only ones laughing. But I didn’t have to stand in line to get in. And I didn’t dress like a vampire. But really, it’s not a big deal . . . at least until Teen Beat starts arriving in the mail. Then I might have to put my foot down. I only hope theMonica wore a bellyfold so our unsuspecting baby wasn’t subjected to all that chest-heaving, teenage angst-y vampiring.


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

high school chicks . . . still laughing after all these years

I was driving home from work today and let out a ferocious yawn, uncovered. (This despite Modest Mouse's warning that "You're not invisible inside your car.") At that second, a car of high school girls drove by. The one in back looked, laughed and pointed. I don't know what was so hilarious. I did not shoot stinging bees out of my mouth or anything. I mean, listen deary, when you get to my age it's all I can do to prevent falling asleep on the way home.

At any rate, it's not anything I'm not used to. In fact it's like my trademark. Roger: Laughed at by High School Chicks Since 1990. (TM).

In other news, the groundhog lives. Soph - send me some sulphur. More on that later. I know I've left a lot of coyote urine questions, how should I say, lingering.

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Saturday, November 14, 2009

where there's coyote urine . . .

There must certainly be a coyote Mr. Groundhog. Yes. Yes indeed. And he just finished an all-week bender and really needs to relieve himself all over the foundation of my home.

This, my friends, is our next strategy. Coyotes apparently can get all bitey with groundhogs. This being the case, we hope that the smell of coyote urine will scare away our groundhog and prevent him from lowering our foundation with his intricate tunneling. I am not a groundhog, but this seems like compelling logic. Coyote urine = coyote. It's simple!

In a related note, coyotes need to drink more water.

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Monday, November 09, 2009

some girls' mothers are bigger than other girls' mothers

So, the groundhog saga continues. We put a trap out which the next day, theMonica told me contained the DEAD groundhog. I went home to discover a LIVE POSSUM. This was unexpected. I let him go back behind our fence (which is some kind of sewer run-off area). If you've never seen a possum run, I recommend the trapping/letting it go free.

Why would the groundhog have been dead? Well, we put some rat poison in the trap. The possum wisely opted for the apple slice and leafy green vegetables rather than the poison. Possums are crafty like that, I suppose. Now I'm kind of at a loss. I suppose we will try to trap it again and then (as my friend's dad euphemistically puts it) "teach it how to swim." (Honestly, I don't know if I can pull that off).

Ceasing groundhog talk . . . here is my view of undershirts:

I wear them, frequently. You see, I was once afflicted with sweating man's disease. The name is an accurate description of the symptoms. This being the case, I would often wear a super-powerful brand of antiperspirant call Mitchum. Mitchum is essentiall superglue and plaster of paris. This being the case, if you did NOT wear an undershirt, you would soon find most of your "outer" shirts stained and effectively ruined. So now, rightly or wrongly, I continue to wear undershirts with all most all my other shirts - excepting t-shirts (might wear something with t-shirts depending on the temp). Undershirts are fascinating!

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Wednesday, November 04, 2009

some short sleeves are longer than others

So this guy I see on a regular basis always wears polo shirts that have shorter sleeves than his undershirt. It's curious. I don't have much to add to this. I didn't really think this post through to be honest. I was all, "Ok, I have the first sentence. And type."

I have about 800 pounds of leaves in my backyard. Right now I'm refusing to rake so I don't have to rake 20 times this fall. I also still have my groundhog. Should I keep him around for the whole shadow deal in February? Honestly, I'm not sure what to do with him. He is somewhere under the house, perhaps damaging it. Or maybe he provides additional insulation? Regardless, we have a trap. But, if we catch it, we're supposed to euthanize it. Hmm . . . I don't know if I have the bloodlust for that. (It's illegal to relocate them in case they have exotic gopher diseases that don't exist 5 miles from here). Remember Deliverance when John Voight was trying to ARROWED! the deer? That's how I'd be. Really. Could you choke out Punxsutawney Phil?

MAYBE, I could train the gopher to eat the leaves!! For seriously. I would love him forever if he did that. Sure we've got loads of acorns as well, but how about some delicious leaves? No? How about walking into this rectangular metal thingy?

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Monday, November 02, 2009

and there's today and there's no spaces

Today I was putting my hockey equipment into the trunk of my car just as my neighbors were coming out of their garage. I should have just said, "Please excuse me whilst I stuff this body." The equipment bag is quite bulky, you see.

How was the game? Tiring. Dang. I was just filling in for an absent goalie and the team I was playing with was playing a team a division above them. The shots were coming fast and furiously. It was fun, but goal-y.

Then I come home to write this post via laptop and the stupid spacebar is not working. And I want to write more, but each word requires me to jam the spacebar 5 or 12 times. I don't have thenecessarymotivationtocontinue.ThereforeIamgoingtobed.GOODNIGHT!

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