Monday, August 31, 2009

i have 3 followers

The revolution begins tomorrow . . . you know what I'm talking about. It will be blogged, but I am going to write in generalities so as not to reveal my plans.

Well, I had a roller hockey game tonight (technically last night). We won. So there. I fell though once, unassisted, just kind of slipped. It is . . . moist on that sportcourt stuff. As the humidity builds, your wheels get kind of slick. And boom, there I go as the breakaway finishes. Yes, he scored. I only mention this because I wretched my back. And I only mention that because I want to complain about getting old and how you can fall and hurt yourself pretty much at any time. Like, I just fell out of my chair and broke my hip. Fantastic.

Anyway, I am all over Amazon's MP3 Daily Deal. I have gotten a bunch of albums I now really like for 2 to 4 dollars. I was going to make a bunch more links - you know like the WHOLE sentence was going to be a series of links, it was going to be CRAZY - but I know you don't really care. If you do, White Rabbits (uh, ok), Police - Synchronicity (comes in handy for Rock Band), Neko Case, Fleet Foxes . . . all things I wouldn't have bought had they not been inexpensive. I guess this is why everyone hearted Napster. Oh, now I get it. At any rate, go type that stuff into a search engine yourself. I need to go to beds.

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Tuesday, August 25, 2009


TO: Rob Thomas
RE: Do you think you are David Bowie?
Because you are not David Bowie, unless you got a massive awesomeness injection and that shit's more expensive than botox.

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save everything - twice

Well, I've been all panty-twisted tonight trying to find my super-secret, ultra-fun fantasy football draft spreadsheet. This spreadsheet is directly responsible for in-excess of 1% of any winnings I've ever had playing fantasy football, meaning it's netted me about 5 dollars.

But, the spreadsheet, she is comforting. She also took a really long time to develop and will fill out a person's team as it goes, on a separate "teams" sheet. If you do any work with excel, you can appreciate that it did not take five minutes. In fact, it took a lot of man hours, no doubt. And no doubt, my company would be very upset if I were to lose all that work, because, truth be told, I did a lot of the "development" at the office one year. I figured, hey, it's like work, right. It actually was and I learned a lot about excel. Unfortunately, I have yet to apply any of that new-found knowledge. Oh well.

At any rate, my yahoo email account saved the day. I had a version of it in the way-back sent folder. And much gnashing of teeth subsided. The moral of the story is, save everything. Times 10. Storage is cheaper by the day and losing stuff is annoying and costly to recreate.

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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

bingo! or not, I was just bored of sitting here

theMonica and I took my aunt to bingo again tonight. I mean, we took her again in the sense that we've taken her before, but not earlier tonight. You know what I mean.

At any rate, this (you'll never guess) old lady was sitting across from me talking to herself. She wasn't Aunt Batty or anything, just trying to . . . strike up a conversation . . . ? "26. That doesn't do me any good." Loud enough for me to hear, but was it really a comment TO me? I wasn't sure. And I had to calculate that amongst your general bingo population her play-by-play would have been completely inaudible. Was she counting on that? Or did she'd expect I could hear her.

You know me. I didn't say a word. I had like 50 bingo cards to keep track of. I couldn't entertain her inane rumblings.

First intermission came and she went to another table. B!TCH!


Monday, August 17, 2009

Netflix: Bug (2006)

Aphids are everywhere and they're sting crazy!

Yah, this was a strange one. I don't disagree with much of Ebert's review other than the part about her going nutso "never seems hurried." Well, I don't know about you, but I would like to think it would take longer than 30 seconds to go from 0 to batshit insane.

I didn't really care for it, but it was interesting. So you shouldn't see it . . . or maybe you should. Wait. Can you take a look at this bug bite?

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Thursday, August 13, 2009


some 10-year-old kid: I saw on the Daily Show two California dudes got arrested for having sex with a horse.

some 10-year-old kid's buddy: . . . . .

I too was unsure of what to do with this information.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

YUMMY YUMMY -- Update!

Well, good to see everyone is interested in YUMMY YUMMY. So much so that I went back to the mall today to check things out.

Needless to say, I was HUGELY disappointed when I found Y^2 working the "vegetable" part of the grill (you know the veggies they serve, a mix of wild crab grasses - yes, they've been harvesting my yard for their greens. Stir-fried clover for everyone! My yard is a mix of clover, weeds and dead grass, but yet, it still must be cut. This is not cool).

Anyway Yumms was so focused on that task that we only heard ONE measly "YUMMY YUMMY!" I would not be exaggerating to say that I found this quite sad. Sad indeed. I am left to consider 24-hour mall surveillance. I'm certain my employer will understand


Tuesday, August 11, 2009


So, there's a mall near work that we sometimes lunch at. Within said mall, there is a teriyaki place, standard 500 pounds of chicken frying constantly, add teriyaki, boom - lunch. Right next to this place is a Thai Kitchen place. And it's basically the same, but with more choices. One isn't really hibachi and the other isn't really Thai.

Well, there is somewhat of a war going on between the two places. They have dueling sample guys. If customers are loitering, unsure, they will both yell out to them - verbally enticing. All is well and good and makes for interesting lunch watching (perhaps over some Chick-Fil-A).

But the really clincher, and the guy I can watch all day is the teriyaki guy. When someone is wavering he'll say, "Try some [something-something]! YUMMY, YUMMY." And the way he says YUMMY YUMMY is pretty much the most hilarious thing ever. After the YUMMY, YUMMY, if the person doesn't get in line - death stare. He's the kind of guy I could write a hit play for.

Ok, I am 3 paragraphs in and that's really the entire story. You see, it's funny. I know it's funny; work buddies know it's funny. But how can I convey the funniness to you without having a video? I really can't. Just remember: YUMMY YUMMY.

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Friday, August 07, 2009

may all your drinks be alcoholic

My Peoples!

How is everyone? Super? Super!? Super!! I am well and getting ready to start a weekend of binge drinking. Ok, maybe not so much as I used to be able to, but, you know, I'm like the wily veteran wide receiver . . . biding my time, interspersing water with beer and the next thing you know - BOOM! - I'm drunk!

Ok, I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I do know that vanity plates are stupid. Especially stupid are vanity plates that somehow incorporate the model of the car. Like: RIKS VETTE or TEDS AMCEAGLE OR KTS CONVERSIONVAN. I'm all, "Hey, I can read that you drive a Mercury Sable right there on the back of your car - no need to tell me again via license plate." And there all, "Yah, but I had $75 burning a hole in my pocket so WTF?" WTF? is right.

Oh, I have to write a birthday card. I mean, not write one like write one: Dad you are special. Not to say special like as a euphemism for being somehow disabled mentally. But to me you are different than other dads. Maybe better. No, I just have to fill one out. And I better get my game face on and write something funny because, let me tell you, the "nephew" birthday card section leaves a little something to be desired. Apparently, you are supposed to stop giving your nephew bday cards at about 8 (or until they don't like Scooby-Doo). I will have to inform him as he's well past that age.

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Thursday, August 06, 2009

art of office: overheard

Good hygiene is no laughing matter.

This is what I say to people when they laugh at me for brushing my teeth at work.

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Tuesday, August 04, 2009

dialogue (and more!)

1: Hey, is that that chick you used to date?
2: If by "date," you mean went out once and she didn't like me, then yes.

Every once in awhile you run into someone you used to date. I mean, not for serious date, but like you went out a few times or maybe you liked her and she blew you off (figuratively only).

Once at school, I was all dressed up for some bs presentation or whatnot and I saw this girl that I had liked a couple years before. I must have looked double-plus good because she did a double-take and made all these complimentary comments. I was like, "You look somehow fatter - like in the face."

Ok. I didn't say that. And even though I was long since over it, I have to admit I am shallow and there was a deep satisfaction to the encounter. Then I asked her out and when she said yes I said, "Just kidding Fatty McGee!"

Ok. I didn't say that either.


Monday, August 03, 2009


I just realized this blog is 5-years old . . . and NONE of you wished it a happy birthday. Jerks.



TGIFriday's has gone from the best restaurant ever, to the dumbest, Luke Perry style (8 seconds flat).

First they had 5-dollar lunch. Yes, 5 dollars for any sandwich or salad. Straight up - no catch. And the portions were even full-sized. Times were golden and my buddies and I went there probably 8 days a week.

Oh, those salad days . . . suddenly, we realized that 5 bucks was just a promotional deal and it had ended. I was sad - not going to lie. And our trips to Friday's dwindled to the occasional and I'm sure a server or two had to drop a piece of flair accordingly, in memorium.

Well, we went back last week. I got the pecan-crusted chicken salad. Said piece of chicken was probably less than half a breast. No joke. I had to get lunch after lunch.

So, Friday's, the boycott is on. Now you've upset me and I can't even write a funny post about your lame salad. Are you happy? Are you??

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