Friday, September 21, 2007

was just checking the specs on the endline for the...rotary...girder... I'm retarded. ...

Last night, I was driving over to Monica’s, car full of my personal effects to be moved into her place in preparation of, uh, moving into her place and oh the sight I saw. A guy had duct-taped his mini-van’s bumper to the hatch of his car. Hilarious. I smiled to myself and wondered what manner of moron would duct taped his bumper to his hatch. Ha ha ha. A good laugh was had by all (me), but at what cost? I had angered the duct tape gods. And much like a protagonist in an ancient Greek tragedy, I could no more avoid my fate than prevent the sun from rising.

This morning, spring in my step, I threw some empty boxes in the back of my car (more packing to be done) and climbed into Blue. Now theMonica’s car port dealie is usually a pretty tight squeeze. The cars are right on top of each other. This morning, not so much. Long story short, I had Monica’s car to my left and nothing to my right. Starting to back up I thought the same, “Hey, no car on my right, so I can cut it a little harder to get around the building’s corner . . . . [still backing up]. . . . . but there is a pole on my right.” Just as this message reached my foot from my brain – CRUNCH. Remember in Tommy Boy when Tommy backs the car door into the pole? Yah, that’s what I did to my right-side mirror.

A string of profanities about a mile long spewed from my mouth. Then, almost immediately, the bitter, bitter shame set in. This had to be on of the top 10 dumbest things I’ve ever done in my life – ok, maybe top 20, at any rate not one of my finer moments. I didn’t really have the tools to remove the mirror (without cutting the wiring). And I didn’t happen to have any car epoxy shoved down my pants at that moment (you’d be surprised). I had only one choice - precious duct tape.

Ten minutes later, I was ready to go, slightly concerned that the tape wouldn’t hold on the highway. It did. And as I walked into work and a couple of cars tried to run me down and all I could think about was how I had learned I was the most idiotic human being on earth and how it would cost me a few hundred bucks to have figured this out, I had that “Bad day” song running in my head. I had had a bad day and it wasn’t even 7:30. Bad day or not, I was consoled by one small fact, my duct tape job kicked the sh1t out of that mini-van guy’s.

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Friday, September 14, 2007

have fun sorting through this pile of crap

  • Rejection is a fact of life - all of life. I spent a lot of my formative/teenage/college years getting turned down by chicks. I always attributed it to my intimidating good looks. Either that or my club foot. Not sure which. While that's going on, maybe you'll get turned down by potential employers or maybe some loan officers or maybe bouncers at fancy night clubs - all kinds of people. Well, marriage is no safe haven either. Despite theMonica's exceeding popularity, some of my friends have had the audacity not to come to my wedding. I mean, wtf are you doing that your so busy you can't join the religious cult with me come to my wedding? Well?

    At any rate, I've gotten a couple of emails detailing reasons for people not showing. I've taken a perverse joy in trying to make people feel guilty/make fun of them. One person is going out-of-town to see a Columbus Crew game of all things (I play soccer too! Maybe not at the wedding, but sometimes). My reply to her was, "I will give you 24 hours to come up with a way better excuse than that." Another girl (see, always with the women rejecting me) said she was starting a new job and couldn't make it (from out of town). My single word reply was, "Bitch!" Later on I added, "I will forgive you this time, but you'd better be at the next one - oh wait."

    Thankfully, all these people already know I'm a jackass.

  • I fully expect Bronwyn to show up at the wedding. Internet stalking is all well and good, but if you're for serious about your craft, you've got to show up in person in order to take it to the next level.

  • A woman at work has taken to calling "Alzheimer's", Altheiser's or something. For example, "I can't remember that project, must be my Altheisers." I've been meaning to tell her that it'd be way cooler to call it Anheuser's and show up to work hammered every day.

  • If you're a guy in the gym, I probably don't want to chat with you. If you're a naked guy in the gym, I really don't want to chat with you. If you're a priorly naked guy in the gym and then you tucked your undershirt into tighty-whiteys. I really REALLY don't want to talk to you. I mean, wtf tighty-whiteys? And triple-word-score WTF tucking your undershirt into your wtf tighty-whiteys. Strange and unnecessary.

  • OH - one of my favorite bands - and Cleveland natives - machine go boom are on tour! Umm, I'm not sure if any of you are where they're going to be (Joe, they will be in NYC). Sadly, I see no Canadian dates. Anyway, if you see 'em out tell them Roger sent you. And they'll be like, "Who?" And then you'll try to explain about how I have a blog and I'm a terrible press agent because their tour is halfway over and I'm just now mentioning it.

  • Hey Orbitz - I just want to play flash putt-putt. I don't want to go to your stupid website. Why not? It's fuckin' simple.

  • "This is a nice place. It has food AND beer."

  • "Cute cat. What's its name?" "Annoying customer." This is a guy I know. Now he is a weirdo blogger, just like me.

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Thursday, September 13, 2007

there's no yawning in bingo

At least that's what my aunt was telling theMonica after a yawn. Their might not be yawning in bingo, but I'll tell you what there is . . . losing. Lots and lots of losing.

Granted I'm accustomed to losing money, having just done that in Vegas about a month ago. But at least Vegas give you the sweet, sweet taste of a small win in blackjack every once in a while. Bingo is cold. Bingo gives you nothing.

The three of us have been to bingo twice now. None of us have won even a single game. I think I was within one number of winning once (in about 15 games). Most double bingo games I didn't even have a single bingo.

All of this is sad. But the saddest thing of all is that when someone won, there call of "Bingo," was frail and unemotional. Ok, a hundred bucks isn't a life-changing amount of money, but it's better than losing EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I guess the sweet spot for bingo is that first game you win. Bingo, I await your sweetness.

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Friday, September 07, 2007


a few questions for the poultry crowd

I think someone egged my car or threw an egg at my car. There is some substance that looks like dried egg on the back bumper of my car.

The questions are:

1. Why throw egg on my car?
2. I drive a light blue '97 Mercury Sable, am I supposed to care that there is egg on my car?
3. Why would I care that there were egg on my car?
4. Are you trying to give "Blue" salmonella?
5. Where can I get a really good deal on car insurance?

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Thursday, September 06, 2007


I am such a rebel that I am going to break the one blogging rule that appears in every list of "Writing a mega-awesome blog." That rule is, "Don't write a post about how you haven't been posting."

I say balderdash.

(Aside: James Dean is a good actor . . . ? He has that serious/focused/angered face at all times. No one is that "tortured." Leonardo DiCaprio does the same thing. I watched The Departed and all I kept thinking was, "Get that guy a Chocolax. Pronto.")

There are a number of reasons for writing such a post:
  1. This blog is ALL ABOUT ME! Sometimes I have to ignore people. I feel it's better to acknowledge the ignoring rather than not saying anything and have people worried sick that I'm dead and gnashing their teeth and losing their hair and whatnot.

That's basically the only reason I could think of. That and that I'm ass-deep in this wedding business. I am generally pretty solid remembering stuff, but the sheer crushing weight of the number of appointments I have to be aware of is slumping my shoulders. I mean, there's a ceremony AND reception!

I'm also trying to generate the wedding song list. This is a difficult task as well. Here's where it stands now:

  • Chicken Dance - The Moonshine Jug Trio

  • Cotton Eyed Joe - Two Hillbillies, a Goat and a Pizza Place

  • Old Timey Rock-and-Roll - Bob Seeger/George Thoroughgood/???

  • Macarena - Two Skeezy-Looking Older Dudes Dressed Up Nice

Ok, fake list. For the real list, I tried to incorporate some of your suggestions and use the artist's real names:
  • Float On - Modest Mouse

  • Birdhouse in Your Soul - They Might Be Giants

  • Dream Baby - Roy Orbison

  • Hotel Yorba - White Stripes

  • Laid - James (twice - inexplicable tradition)

  • Tainted Love - Soft Cell

  • Take On Me - Aha

  • Come on Eileen - Dexy's Midnight Riders

  • Just Can't Get Enough - Depeche Mode

  • Goodie Two Shoes - Adam Ant

  • Don't Stop Til You Get Enough - Michael Jackson

  • Rock this Town - Stray Cats

  • Tubthumper - Chumbawamba

  • Here Comes Your Man - Pixies

  • Sugar Sugar - Archies

  • Build Me Up Buttercup - The Foundations

  • Blister in the Sun - Violent Femmes

  • I Melt with You - Modern English

  • Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand

  • Oh Boy - Buddy Holly

  • Buddy Holly - Weezer

  • I Wanna Hold Your Hand - Beatles

  • 99 Luftballoons - Nina

  • Signed, Sealed, Delivered - Stevie Wonder

  • Just Like Heaven/Lovecats - The Cure

  • ? - Cyndi Lauper

  • ? - Madonna

It's probably a little 80's heavy, because that's basically the only music I like which can be dance to. I was also trying to get a good mix of decades - with some of de oldies songs on the AM radio. Hmmm, not sure why I posted it. Just an fyi, in case you crash the reception. This is what you'll be crashing into.

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