Wednesday, February 23, 2005

"Whoah" Is They

Same bad acting, same great dialogue.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Methinks it time

King of Pop Abdicates Throne

King of Pop Landia, His Royal Highness Michael I of the House of Jackson is set to step down from his throne. Citing "personal reasons", his majesty will no longer be able to rule benevolently (albiet creepily) over his subjects. Presently it is unclear who will succeed him in ruling the Land of Pop.

Poplandia is in very grave danger of engaging in battle with southern neighbor CountryMusic Landia. Due to the dire circumstances, the people of Poplandia were shocked to find out their leader was abandoning them. Beer wench Dolpha was irate and more than a little bit hairy saying, “That bastard! The armies of CountryMusic Landia are on our doorstep and he is abdicating the throne? Sir Toby Keith has assembled a mighty force of rootin', tootin' warriors. They have cavalries of pick-ups, stocked fully with kegs and shotguns. Who will lead us in our time of need, Queen Latifah?”

Tries at mediation have been futile. Duchess of Dublin, Ashlee Simpson, made numerous attempts to get both sides of the dispute to the negotiating table. “Even before King Michael announced his abdication, he was holed up in NeverLand, never talking and never coming out. I thought perhaps that if I sang very loudly within the walls of NeverLand castle I could drive him from his bed, but, he was impervious to my assaults.”

Godfather of Soul James Brown, prominent Poplandia businessman, seemed disappointed in the King's decision, “When was the last time the King of Pop came to my home for dinner? Surely, I could have helped him manage his predicament."

Today in Jurisprudence History

Jackson Attempts Delaying Trial Citing Numerous “Ailments”

Santa Maria, California
In a shocking twist today, Michael Jackson has motioned a Californian court that his trial be delayed indefinitely on the grounds that he’s “completely fucked up”. Jackson delayed jury selection on Tuesday when he was unable to attend court because of “flu-like” symptoms. As Jackson put it, “My tummy hurted.”

While in the hospital receiving treatment, the King of Pop decided that, on the whole, he is completely incapable of being in court or facing any trial. When asked to elaborate, Jackson cited a number of personal curiosities which all cumulated into making him “completely fucked up”.

“I can’t stand trial! Look at my freaking face. Clearly, I am completely fucked up and it's wrong to force someone in my condition to stand before a court of law.” Jackson then held up a photo with a side-by-side of himself as a young boy and a recent photo featuring him at a previous trial. “Someone whose face got this messed up is unfit to stand trial. It’s not fair. The government should be paying to put me on Extreme Makeover, not deciding whether or not I'm going to jail. Seriously, 80% of the time I’m wearing a mask! What’s that all about? I don't live in the old west. I’m not the Lone Ranger. I don’t hang out with Tonto, although I do have his eyes in a jar. See! What could be more fucked up than that? It’s just not right.”

Jackson continued to explain why he was incapable of showing up for court. “Did you people know that I once had a pet monkey? And I loved that monkey more than any of the people that I knew. What regular person loves a monkey more than his own family?” He was then asked if this was part of a ploy to delay the trial once again as he successfully did earlier in the week. “No, this is not a ploy. Do you know what made me vomit? Thinking about how fucked up I am. I am constantly having slumber parties with small boys at Never-freakin-Land ranch and then I make them sleep in my bed in Tarzan outfits! Wait, can you take that last part out?”

LaToya Jackson, in town to support her brother, immediately came to his defense. “The fact that I have no means to support myself in no way affects my ability to speak honestly about my brother. I’ve always known Michael is unfit to stand trial at this, or any other, time. Hasn’t anyone mentioned that he calls one of his children BLANKET? How fucked up is that? Isn't the trial supposed to be heard by a jury of his peers? What kind of peers can you assemble for him? Elephant Man, maybe Tatu - God rest his soul, JoJo the dog-faced boy? That’s only 3 people. I don't know any other child star that was really cute as a child and then became grossly disfigured as an adult . . . except maybe Macaulay Culkin. Really, no one else could possibly understand and appreciate Michael.”

Presiding Judge Rodney Melville, when apprised of the singer's newest claim said, "Believe me, I've seen the guy and he freaks me out. I know first-hand that the dude is criminally wack. Unfortunately, there is no precedent for a condition of this kind delaying a trial. Being totally fucked up does not spare Mr. Jackson the diamond-encrusted-gloved hand of justice.”

Wednesday, February 16, 2005


I may not be able to carry a tune, but I can carry a hammer. So stop making fun of my voice.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

God Makes Me Do It

This not making fun of people is a tough business. It usually goes something like this:
  • Someone says something to which I would normally make a smart ass
  • Formulate comment.
  • Decide if comment violates pact with Divine.
  • When true, suppress urge to speak.
  • Burning sensation ensues for 5 to 10 seconds. (Whilst in burning state, say short prayer to St. Aleck in hopes that 3rd person will properly comment on original statement. If 3rd person is lacking, think of Orson Welles naked - wait, that's for something else).
  • After burning subsides, it's too late to respond anyway.
  • Bitter sobbing ensues.
The urge is suppressed and the original speaker is blissfully unaware what an ass he is. It's killing me. Fortunately, I now have an outlet for all the sweet comments I've been wanting to make - this blog. Here are some choice responses I've had to hold back:
"Why? Does it help your hair grow?"
"It's kind of early for your 'Really Bad Joke of the Day'."
"There's a reason they broke the mold after you."
"I'm all for it as long as your socks match the color of your wife beater."
"The worst part is always the disorienting shame."

Saturday, February 12, 2005


Whenever I hit the "Next Blog>>" button on the top of a blog and I'm taken to a blog in another language I always think, "I bet that's stupid." Is that Lingualcentrism? Yes. I need to learn Portugese.

Ash Saturday

Well, it's really Ash Wednesday, but I'm just getting around to it now. I was persuaded to go to mass, thus endangering my 2 masses per year rule. Sorry Christmas, better luck in '06! The ash distributor says, "O man, that you are dust, and unto dust shall you return." It would have been cooler if she had a more "Godly" voice, like James Earl Jones. And then did the circle of life monologue from the Lion King.

At any rate, I gave up making fun of people . . . except on the blog. Sorry God, blog comes first. Just kidding, please don't smite me.

Wish Granted

Just the other day I was thinking, "Wow, I wish there was a blog in which I could find out all about stoves. Perhaps someone could give me a bunch of links specifying all kinds of stove info. Maybe I could find out about snow king corn stoves or single burner propane camp stoves." And boy did I hit the jackpot. This is quite simply the greatest stove blog I've ever read.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005


On goals:
Make all your goals easily attainable. If you accomplish them, great work! And if you fail, it's not much different than what you've got now and you were all gung-ho to change that.


Food for thought is fine, but I prefer the eating kind.

Saturday, February 05, 2005


Did you ever have an idea and then lose it? You can't remember what the idea was, but you do remember that it was really fucking brilliant. And you think and you think, but nothing comes to mind. It's upsetting and unsettling. This was like the best idea you ever hand. It was so elegant and smart and clever, maybe even really clever, but now it's gone and if you weren't so stupid, you probably would have remembered it.

Days pass. And then, out of the blue, when you're thinking of something entirely different, you remember. And for a fleeting moment you're excited. Then reality sets in. Your idea sucks. It's not brilliant or elegant or even mildly clever. It happens to me all the time . . . and that's why you have this post instead of something far cooler.


Per my last Keanu entry, every "story" I make up will now appear in Courier Font, because really, it looks made up, eh? I don't know how doggedly I'm going to stick to these conventions, probably not at all.

About Time

Keanu Reeves has finally received the credit he's long deserved. Last week he was awarded his own star on the Hollywood walk of fame.

Keanu Reeves was finally rewarded for his fine acting career. Upon the honor, he little to say about it, "Whoah." When pressed he added, "It is most heinous that Bill S. Preston Esquire is not here to help me enjoy my fine achievement." The crowd was perplexed. Much more so when Reeves continually shouted, "I'm Ted Theodore Logan!" He added, "It is most excellent to be here today. Subsequently, I wish everyone would be excellent to each other. Also, Wyld Stallions is the most triumphant and super-band ever!" Despite Keanu's gibberish acceptance, the star will remain in his possession.

God bless you Keanu.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005


Staring at my blog for 8 to 10 hours per day began to depress and agitate me. I'm not a 16 year-old goth chick after all, so I've abandoned the despondent dark look and gone to the black text on white screen look. I think it's easier on the eyes. Do expect fiddling and aesthetic improvement to continue; don't expect post content to improve accordingly.