Tuesday, August 31, 2010

oh, so if your boyfriend ignores you for weeks, does that mean he doesn't love you?

So, I have neglected you and for that, apologies. I have been busy with my misshapen-headed kid. Oh, and his neck muscles are stronger on one side than the other. That condition has a fancy name like offsetted neckitis or something, but I can't recall what it is. Don't worry, everything is cool.

Whenever we run into baby issues, I think of cave baby. What would have happened for cave baby in this situation? Were there cave baby physical therapists that could teach you twice-daily stretches for cave baby's neck? Hmm, doubtful. Now, I think his neck thing was more pronounced before and was gradually getting better, but we can help things along.

As to his head, I have a substantial melon, so no sympathy here. I guess not so much lying on his back. Now, cave baby was f'ed here. I mean, those cave floors are HARD. I imagine there were a lot of misshapen-headed cave babies running around. If they could, with their giant balance-compromising noggins.

And he's had some earaches. Earaches are babies natural-born enemies. Babies need to retreat to there fortresses of solitude and try to figure out a way to combat these things.

Oh, and he can't roll right. He's like reverse Zoolander cave baby. He CAN roll right, but prefers left. Parenting is hard, yo. And I am only able to keep track of a few things at a time, therefore, missing a lot. My checklist is like:

1. Laughs at my [baby] jokes? check (Like his moms he does not find my talking jokes funny unless I use some horrible over-the-top accent. And that sentence structure is kind of messed up, only the baby laughs, theMonica is unimpressed by accents.)

2. Does baby stuff. check You know, like eat, sleep, poop. He eats a lot of sweet potatoes, which is potato non grato around me. He hearts them. Not so much peas. Peas I'll eat, but I never got them. Like, peas, what up whichu? Peas - We're bland! But we're tiny green balls, which is cool if you're into that kind of thing. Right? Who's with me?

So, lest you think he's falling apart, here he is trying to hypnotize himself. Look deep into my eyes cave baby.


Friday, August 13, 2010

King Me!

So, this is my new ad slogan for Budweiser. Short story shorter, theMonica knows someone that works for a Bud distributor. theMonica emailed this lady with my new slogan and her boss said it was "marketing genius."

And, I've already gotten the ball rolling. There are at least a dozen bartenders/waitresses in the Cleveland area that have been annoyed with my ordering a beer by saying "King Me" instead of doing things like a regular, un-annoying, person.


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

your baby doesn't love you, anymore

Oh, dang, it's Tuesday isn't it? F. I was sitting around thinking it was Wednesday and how I was going to have exciting Bolts playoff soccer tomorrow night. But, alas, the smell of blood is in the distance and I will have to wait another night for sweet, sweet, victory. And hey, look at that, do some dishes and viola'! it's Wednesday now. I guess, in a way, that makes me psychic, no?

So, everybody loves Dognutz, yes? Well, good. It is true that I got about 50 times the visitors on that website than I get here, toiling away in my blogger sweatshop. Man, those were good times indeed. Who cares if I was a dork (besides Bronwyn?)? Actually, I think a lot of chicks cared, a lot. Who's laughing now Hunchback??

Anyway,the title . . . yes, so the baby, doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't need me. Well, he doesn't now ALWAYS need my sandman powers of sleep persuasion. That is good. I wasn't keen on rocking a 14-year old to sleep in 2024, but it's sad nonetheless. In the plus ledger, he thinks I am f'ing hilarious. For serious. My material KILLS with that kid. It only makes me love him all the more. But, we'll see if it lasts past his 6-month birthday. If he's like a girlfriend/future wife, he won't find me funny after 6 months. That's the general rule for any bf/gf-type situation. Matter of fact, I think RS2 is the only person to find me funny over more than a 6-month period. And she shattered that record at like 30+ years. Things were waining there for awhile, but then RS4 came along and was comedic gold! 100,000 bonus points to the both of them.

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Thursday, August 05, 2010

thought . . .

Things get distorted when your world extends no further than the front of your face.

I thought of a totally cooler way to say this, but that was like 2 minutes ago.