Wednesday, July 28, 2004


WMMH - Cleveland is seeking a weather person for their weekend broadcasts. All applicants welcome.


Applicant will be in charge of developing and delivering weekday weather broadcasts.


Applicant should be: 1. literate, 2. able to use garage door opener to pretend as if controlling blue-screen images and 3. able to point and trace along blue-screen while unable to see what’s being pointed to/at.


Applicant must have some basic knowledge of the weather (i.e. names of seasons, sunny vs. cloudy, etc).

Applicant must have bleached teeth, winning smile, largish hair, charm and good enunciation.

Applicant must be overly serious or goofy when discussing the weather, but never both.

Applicant must have strong drawing skills. Including, but not limited to: the ability to render large letters (Hs and Ls only and color them red and blue respectively), curvy lines with bumps on them (both peaked and humped), puffy clouds, yellow suns, etc. Tornado drawing skills are preferred, but not required. Elaborate coloring schemes will be needed to show variations in countrywide temperatures. Applicant will have to answer tough questions like, “The warmest temperature is 50 degrees in Miami, but should 50 ever be burnt orange,” “If I use green to show 65 will people think Tennessee is flooded with rain?”

Applicant is expected at studio at least 15 minutes before beginning of evening news (NOT 15 minutes before the weather segment). Upon arrival, forecast should be downloaded from Weather Channel website. Applicant is expected to fill 3 minutes of air-time and should be careful to avoid mentioning the Weather Channel as the source of weather information. The Weather Channel has long suspected WMMH of “borrowing” forecasts from it website and has taken to surreptitiously adding its name to weather reports. In fact, January 15th’s forecast read: “Cloudy and cool tomorrow Weather Channel low of 32 . . .” Prior weather lady was dismissed for reading the report unedited.

Applicant must have easy rapport with present anchorman. He/She must develop witty retorts to anchorman’s ribbing. For example, anchorman might say, “So, Applicant, what happened to my weekend golf game?” Applicant might respond, “With that slice of yours, you should be happy it rained.” Chuckling applicant is desired. In addition, Applicant will be called upon by anchor people to take responsibility for weather conditions. Applicant is not to control the weather, if able.

Applicant will be asked to deliver inclement weather broadcasts from the outdoors, preferably in improper attire. Studies have shown that viewers are skeptical of forecasts that come from indoors when weather clearly happens out-of-doors. Also, when outdoors, Applicant stands little chance of being wrong about current conditions. Easy rapport is again critical during outdoor reporting. Anchorman: “Boy, Applicant, it’s really cold out there.” Applicant: “You’re right Chuck. I don’t know if you can see this, but look at how blue my ears are!”

Applicant should not develop rapport with sports guy.

Applicant will be expected to interface with sophisticated Triple-Decker Doppler XLJ 10000. Applicant is also expected to interrupt popular network television broadcasts in order to give unnecessary weather reports using aforementioned equipment. For instance: Applicant may need to interrupt Will and Grace in order to give street by street updates on impending fog crisis. During such updates, Applicant is required to mention that WMMH has the most powerful radar equipment in the area (also the coolest graphics). Applicant is NOT to mention that same radar equipment has caused numerous radiation deaths. Additionally, Applicant must not intentionally scare the elderly, but Applicant understands that once frightened, the aged are a loyal audience.

Degree in Meteorology (the study of weather NOT meteors) is not detrimental to hiring. Though it is discouraged if desire to be accurate hinders capacity to develop 60-day forecast.

Please send application to WMMH studios.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

it's the little things

The main advantage to writing this knowing it isn't being looked at regularly (by anyone other than me) is that I can go back to entries and improve them, reaching my modest goal of being "marginally clever" with a gradual push.  A gradual push is best. You don't want to reach marginal cleverness all in one giant shove; you might throw out your back.

Anyway, somebody remind me to gradually improve all my posts.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004


I like my blog's name because it's self-describing.  I think I'm marginally clever and I also think marginally clever is a marginally clever turn of a phrase.  Does that make me think my blog's name is more than what it claims to be?  That I will have to ponder . . . but if I change the name to Pretty Damn Clever I kind of kill the whole synergy of the thing, eh?
Along those lines:  Shouldn't symmetry be a palindrome?  Better yet, shouldn't palindrome be a palindrome?  palindromeemordnilap

Friday, July 16, 2004


My blog has had 10 visits . . . with one unique IP . . . errr . . .

I'm curious if I can get any readers of this without soliciting those I know will read it to visit. My guess is probably not.  I would assume I could write on this and probably post my innermost secrets without any concern of anyone finding out.  So, here we go:  I have a protruding forehead.  My protusion is 2 inches above making me a Neanderthal.  There, I said it.  I feel much better now.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Pictures of Matchstick Men

Mary-Kate Olsen has checked herself into a starvation rehabilitation center.

MK's anorexia stems from a shocking trip to the scale 6 months ago. "I got onto a scale and saw that I weighed 58 pounds. It made me sick. It could have also been the broccoli floret I had eaten that Tuesday, but I'm pretty sure I was just disgusted by how much I weighed." Saying that she didn't want to turn out like her "fat@ss twin sister" MK went on the "Supermodel Diet": a strict regiment of heroin and Choco-Lax.

"I was really happy with the results," MK says. "I was down to 42 pounds in no time. I always thought the true picture of beauty was 4 ribs showing, but I realized there was no limit to what I could accomplish. Translucency is not just a dream!" While Mary-Kate was unable to achieve full organ visibility, she taunted Ashley with her spinal column. "May-Kay was always prancing around in backless shirts. She never insulted me directly, but I could tell she thought I was fat. I mean, at the time I did weigh 64 pounds, so she wasn't far off."

Ashley dismisses concerns that she may also have an eating disorder. "People think it's unhealthy that I weigh less than I did when I was on Full House, well, hello! - I had a lot of baby fat back then." Ashley says despite the binge she went on after the lackluster performance of the Olsen's new movie, New York Minute, she now weighs a healthy 60 pounds. "After our new movie didn't do so well, I totally went a little crazy and ate an entire Chicken McNugget. I felt so gross. I jogged 12 miles in my snowsuit after that. I'm all better now."

While financially the Olsen twins have enough money to BUY food, they say the problem doesn't stem from any economic hardship. "Ashley and I have always been rich beyond our wildest dreams and have enough money to feed the entire continent of Africa in perpetuity, but the pressures of making 86 Olsen Twin movies a year really wore down on us." Ashley adds, "Yah, there were some directors who when we were 5 and 6 would make us play Hungry Hungry Hippos all the time. It was pretty obvious what they were implying."

Plans for the production of their new movie, Olsen Twins: Hunger Strike!, have been put on hold. In the picture the Olsen twins go on a hunger strike when their favorite store, Baby Gap, plans to shut down. "We get all our cool clothes there," Mary-Kate says. She adds, "Doing the movie was pretty easy because I wasn’t eating that month anyway." Ashley however would occasionally sneak off to the HappyHippy for a Centrum vitamin, "It's more complete from A to Zinc."

For now, the Olsen twins plan on concentrating on their health. MK says, "Once I weigh enough to sink, I'll know I'm all better."

Mission Statement

I will post as often as wit allows or boredom demands.