Monday, March 22, 2010

is this thing on?

Hmm, this is "being processed." Hopefully they are adding extra awesomeness. Whatev. I got theMonica one of those handheld zi8 Kodak dealies and I was messing with it.

Oh, ok, it's there now. Fun. Have you ever heard a baby cry? Well get ready!


Thursday, March 18, 2010

may there be no confusion

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a baby story

Monday (3/1) theMonica and I went to the doc to have a consultation. The situation was that the week prior the ultrasound machine was estimating the baby at 9.5 lbs. 9.5 lbs + past due date is a red flag in the world of baby doctors. On the plus side, theMonica was 2 cm dilated and her cervix was “ripe,” meaning it was thinned out. (Good band name for you, for free, Ripened Cervix; you’re welcome!). We knew this going in and over the preceding weekend theMonica decided to be induced rather than schedule a c-section. Frankly, it had been a toss-up.

Monday at 9 pm we get to the Birthing Center and proceed to watch about 20 minutes of the Cavs game in the waiting room lobby. Yah, it’s a hospital, so you can’t just go and do something when, you know, you’re supposed to. We checked into our room and got theMonica all situated. Soon after the pitocin was administered and theMonica’s water was broken. Then . . . contractions.

Apparently, contractions aren’t fun. Nope, no fun at all. I felt great. Really excited and pain free! theMonica was not bah-da-da-bah-bah lovin’ it though. On the happy to horribly grimaced face scale, she was about a severely grimaced. The anesthesiologist put in the epidural to alleviate that and it was time to watch some comedy central! Well, you know, after our “nap.” (How exactly you’re expected to nap during this, I’m not sure.) This was about 3 am-ish. By about, 5 am, theMonica got a second loading dose of painkiller, but it wasn’t as effective as the first go-round. The NEXT go-round was even less so. Finally, theMonica asked for some more of the good stuff. I was a little worried that the baby would come out smoking a tiny baby joint or something. Not really, I wanted her to feel better, but the baby was almost ready to bust out and they wanted her to be able to feel when to push. All of this is well and good, but your wife's in pain - lots and lots of pain. And boy is it a powerless feeling watching her go through those labor pains. Surely, I did my best. I was using all my “A” comedic material in there. I told her to picture babies effortlessly flying out of v-jays. Focus on that. But really, I doubt she heard anything that I was saying. I just kept telling her to breathe deep. Stay the course! Go the distance!

FINALLY, (12+ hours later) the baby was “in position”. And theMonica began to push. Now, don’t get me wrong; I was nervous I wouldn’t be able to watch a baby coming out of theMonica’s lady bits. I hadn't eaten in a long time and I was feeling a little light-headed to begin with. But I’ll be damned if it wasn’t the coolest thing ever. After one pushing contraction, I could already see part of the baby’s head. The nurses were telling theMonica how great she was doing. I thought they were just saying that because they were nice, but eventually they told her she might want to lay off so the baby didn’t get there before her doctor did. That's when I started to get excited.

Eventually her doctor strolls in and is all pumped with how great everything is going. theMonica’s looking at me like, “What have we gotten ourselves into?” And I’m all like, “Dude, there’s a baby’s head right there,” and pointing at her nether-regions. And yah, it’s the baby’s head, but like unbeknownst to you like only one-eighth of it. But you’re thinking, “Oh, there’s the head,” and the doctor starts pulling and you go, “OH! THERE’S the head. Dang!” The nurse quickly suctioned and as the doc pulled the baby some more and his lungs cleared I heard the most soothing sound ever in my life - our baby wailing. Then the doctor informed us that *he* has testicles. It’s a boy!

3/2/10, 9:53 a.m.
8lbs. 14oz, 20 inches

Baby and theMommy are doing well. Dad is freaking out. No, I’m all right. But, I did outcry the baby and theMonica combined through the first 24 hours. Take that rest of family!


Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Bonus points are awarded as such:

Ky89,995Totally, like mostly figured it out. -5 for pedantry. And my Canadians are the smartest so I totally knew you'd get this. And it's the L name!
Janny10,000For saying the real name, but also for Lamp.
Bronwyn5Because May-B deserves points, after all. When can we expect a little John Macdonald?
Sarah-5Patrick? Oh hell no! I am totally not Irish, even though I totally look it.

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Monday, March 08, 2010


Here are some pictures. 100,000 bonus points to whomever can guess his name. There are a couple of obvious hints in the pictures, but the answer might be slightly less obvious.

Contest not open to those who already know his name.

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Wednesday, March 03, 2010

before I pass out on my laptop

This isn't the POST post, on this, but yes! we are parents! We had a baby boy. Details to follow. I am having an anonymity concern about putting the name out. Hmm, maybe I'll do it in a photo so you can't text search. Not that all of your aren't my facebook friends, but you know for the strangers that might happen here!

Anyway, cuddlebunny was born 3/2/10 @ 9:53 am, 8 lbs. 14 oz., 20". Mom and baby are doing well. Dad is freaking out! Really, I am well too, but I did outcry him in his first 24 hours. He was crankypants today though and is now winning during his lifetime.

I leave you with this. There is a diaper that has a yellow line on the outside that TURNS BLUE when the baby has peed. Diapers just went TRON on your ass! (This could be a 20-year old invention that I might have missed in my avoidance of diaper changing.)

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Monday, March 01, 2010

the induction will be televised

Well, not, but written about later.

Ok, so, tonight's the night! Well, probably tomorrow's the day, but we're checking in to the hospital tonight to be induced due to potential baby bigness. Admittedly, the whole size estimation is somewhere between witchcraft and voodoo, but the thought is to err on the side of safety/smaller baby. Hmm, that's all I really have to say about that. I'm feeling kind of calm, but sweaty. I get the chills when I'm really anxious. Look for that later!

Also, my pops is going in for surgery on Wednesday. If you have like 18 to 20 hours available today/tomorrow you can pray/meditate for/on all those things: cuddlebunny, theMonica, my pops and me. I will probably need the most help ultimately as this will all tie in with my hit alterna-rock band, Provider Anxiety. Look for my new hit single, Midnight Porkchops, on iTunes soon!

At any rate, wish me luck! And expect some silence here which would equate to the usual silence experienced after I submit a post.

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