Monday, September 28, 2009

hello winter

First of all, to all my facebook friends, I do not care about your farm. I don't believe you even have free-range chickens. How can I respect that? You probably grow tomatoes as well. I HATE tomatoes. I really have no interest in your farm unless you grow beer. I don't even know if that's possible, but if it is, I want 100 bushels sent via facebook instead of all these odd pictures that I never look at/can't understand.

Also, if theMonica comments on something on facebook and it's especially foul-mouthed (or hilarious?), it's probably me. She does not log out of the system! I am left to wonder, who is this person and when did I become their friend? I mean, we have a lot of friend overlap, BUT she is a lot more popular than I am. *sigh*. Speaking of theMonica, I have made her a smartass. She has always been funny and whatnot, but now she like burns me. It's weird. I can't really say anything because I'm forever teasing her, but like, whoah! I've fallen into the sarchasm!

Also, it is our anniversary tomorrow (well, in 10 minutes). Should I wake her with breakfast in bed? Since it's midnight, she's probably not hungry. At any rate, she's like the best wife ever. I mean, who can put up with my shenanigans and still want to remain married? Not that I am tying her shoes together or anything, but I know I can be annoying. Well, or so I've been told.

Also, the title - yes, it was like 50 degrees out today with HIGH WINDS. OK, the wind was blowing pretty gustily, but I don't need to here 20 different co-workers talking about it. I didn't see any cows flying around or anything. Get over it people.

Also, this is like the tenth paragraph I've started with also.

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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

jack palance just got hispanic on your ass

I was watching The Professionals which I remembered seeing had Jack Palance in it. Why hadn't I seen him? Oh, right, he is playing the Jesus Raza character -- my bad.

These movies always interest me where they will have, you know, real, actual Mexicans in most of the parts, but then they'll put Jack Palance out in the sun for 3 days straight so he can play a Mexican. Was Hollywood really so bereft of Mexican acting talent in 1966? Surely there was already a huge immigrant population. Couldn't they tapped into that market?

Strange choices, but it's the kind of thing you'll see all the time in "old" movies. Old movies, who am I kidding? It wasn't so long ago Fisher Stevens was rockin' the "brown face" for Short Circuit. I mean, you couldn't find another HUMAN that's as funny as Fisher Stevens, let alone an actual Indian guy.

At any rate, Jack gets the girl. She probably wasn't really Mexican herself and wasn't married to the old white dude at all! It's all lies with these Hollywood types!

Burt Lancaster was awesome - per usual.

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Monday, September 21, 2009

sleep deeply my bee friends, sleep . . . DEAD!

I just unloaded 3/4trs of a can of bee killer on a nest of bees I believe lives in a bush out in front of our house. I don't know what they did, but they constructed some sort of super-city well within our midst. But now, they are dead (if I am to believe the can from which the kill spray spewed).

This is not really blog-worthy, but that picture of the lady had to be freaking everyone out - especially all my potential new readers. I mean, I'm not sure that I'm ready for new readers. I already bear an awesome responsibility which I can hardly manage. But I don't want to alienate people outright. Ha - get it? Alienate, with an alien picture. Damn! You can't write that stuff.


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

something wicked this way comes

Some co-workers and I were at the mall food court today and saw a sight of which has never been seen - at least by any of us. Worse still, once seen, you can't "unsee" something. It's there forever, haunting you.

I should say, before going on, that this isn't my usual kind of thing to write about. No, normally, I would let something like this go without a word. But I figured since you might be seeing this on NatGeo after the girl who cries blood, that you might want a heads up.

Please take a moment to consider . . .
Neverminding the alien-type head (which LOL'ed me when I drew it), the ziggy hand and my the police sketch artist's general lack of ability to convey things via picture, that bitmap pretty much accurately represents what we saw. A lady with a ginormous chest and a greater inability to find supportive undergarments. I think. I mean, it was just the oddest thing. Maybe she blew her bra out? I am at a loss.

Her shirt was low cut as well, because, you know, let it all hang out. And we are OMGing all over the place. Then we see that she has sat down with 2 business men (?) looking dudes in suits. And on the way out, we notice that they are very intensely discussing something. Man, I would have given 5 dollars to listen in on that conversation.

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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

dissuade is a word

I remember in college I was doing a stupid business-course-based group project (EVERY business course had a group project. It was annoying to no end. Invariably you wanted to get hooked-up with the "older" student. This chick was annoying, no doubt, but she was sure to overwork/co-ordinate and, if you were lucky, bake cookies.) For this particular project we had to write something up, specifically I had to write something up. In this something, I used the word "dissuade." (I shouldn't even quote it because it's a real f##king word!) This one kid is reading it and goes, "What's a dissuade? Is that when you make fun of someone's jacket?" "No. It's dissuade, you know, like reverse persuade."

Now I am not a man of hubris. If you question something that I believe to be true and you're REALLY convinced, you can sow a lot of doubt in my mind (we're talking movie quotes/trivia stuff, not grand philosophies of life). I couldn't help but pause. "Did I just invent a super-cool new word using a commonly used prefix and root? I should think someone had invented this word already, seeing as how it's so convenient." I also began to question my very enrollment in a business major in the first place - it being the most technical business major notwithstanding.

He thought we should remove this esoteric and abstruse word. I declined, though promised to review. Needless to say I remained un-dissuaded.

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Thursday, September 10, 2009

you give me beaver!

Beaver when you kiss me - Beaver in the afternoon ... BEAVER!

Ok, so maybe it's not a beaver, but there is definitely a critter living at/below our house. I believe it is technically a groundhog. And let me tell you, that f#cker has burrowed right up against our house, all snug like, and he is eating insulation and shit.

At first, it was all fun and games. I was running around our porch/sun room with our camera, trying to get a picture of the little guy. Then, all the sudden, "Hey, what's he doing over by the foundation?" I mean, for serious, why is he over there? HEY, HE JUST BURROWED INTO THE GROUND! SON OF A - ! Honestly, who does he think he is? Could he not see his shadow? This was all very disconcerting. I do not want varmints living at/in my home and he's a big SOB. He could do some damage, you know? I thought he was all living under the shed, which I was cool with - no doubt. That's fair game. Only my mowers live in there, not human peoples. But no. He had to go and break the sanctity of a human abode and thereby insult me.

Fine. Now I will be upset and listen to Husker Du. You win beaver . . . or do you?

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Wednesday, September 09, 2009


Summer is starting to leave us. It's still warm - very lovely today - but I know what the morrow brings. The morrow brings tons and tons of leaves dumped on my beautiful, grassless yard. And the morrow after morrow brings tons and tons of pure, white snow unto my cracked, crumbling driveway. Do you know what the street value of my property will be?

At any given time I have 8 to 10 tabs on my firefox open to articles I am "going to read" or "am reading". But, it's tough. I'm at work staring at a computer for 8 hours a day at a minimum, so when I come home, I'd rather watch some tv or something. Wait, that's the same thing without a keyboard. I'd rather watch a movie . . . no. I'd rather go backpacking through the Alps. Ok, that should be a big enough divergent. But truthfully, I usually come home and cut up some sticks and then read a little or watch the Indians lose or pop in a netflix (sorry to you that found me via a "sex in netflix" search; I have no insight on the matter).

What's now for me? Well, I'm back in training. I've decided that I eat entirely too much junk. I don't want to get rid of all the junk from my diet, that's no fun. But I figure if I can cut it by about 50% I'll be better off for the effort. I have also been drinking less. This is entirely a function of getting older/friends having babies/fewer social engagements. I always figured this would happen and it's all well and good. I'm getting too old for slugging 'em back 3 days a week. That said, I think I'm taking Friday off because my Steelers are opening the season Thursday night. How's that for avoiding temptation?

So, blog vote. Do these meandering pointless-ish posts do anything for you? Are you waiting for the punchline? Sometimes the writing of the thing is the thing. Especially when the resulting thing kind of sucks. I'll get 'em next time.

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Tuesday, September 08, 2009


I was in bed this morning have dreams about that movie, but unable to think of its name. I kept wanting to call it Manhattan. Hmmm, I don't think Woody Allen could handle all the violence inherent in a strike-busting scenario. I mean, he's creepy and all, but the hardened coal-miner type would probably just kick his ass - and rightfully so.

At any rate, did I tell you another tree fell down? It was split in half when the first tree fell. Did I tell you about that? I believe I did not . . . here you go:
Now, trees falling NOT on your house are 24k gold - do not get me wrong. But it kind of sucks when you have to cut it into four foot sections and bundle those sections and then put them on your treelawn. I suppose I could have rented a wood-chipper, but after the unfortunate incident I'm afraid of them (seeing Fargo).

At any rate, when that bad boy went down a tree further in the back of the yard went in half. It gamely held on for a few weeks and then crashed on the fence - denting it nicely. And then I had to cut and bundle that bastard. Ah yes people, buy a home, a home with a lot of trees - immediately!

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