Tuesday, July 29, 2008

when yes and no are the same thing

So, if I say, "The English language is strange, yes?" it means the same thing as if I say, "The English language is strange, no?"

Both being a placeholder for something like, "don't you agree?". (I hate punctuating with quotes and questions IN quotes and all that. Those rules are tough to remember.)

In other news, if ABC wants to build theMonica and I a home, we promise we won't do this. But we don't have a sobby enough story to get a home built, no? One time she said we were never going to find a house. Is that gut-wrenching enough?


Friday, July 25, 2008

my finger hurts . . .

The first rule of goalie is OUCH. My freaking pinky! That smarts! Yah, the first rule of goalie is that eventually, you're going to get hit with the puck in every, un/not-as-well-protected spot on your body. The logistics of my pinky strike are probably too convoluted to explain, but I will try nonetheless.

I was reaching with my blocker hand (right) to make a high-ish save. Said blocker hand made the save, but not with the front, rectangular part, but with the leather glove which the blocker is attached too. Even this would have been ok if I hadn't hit the puck on the first knuckle of the pinkie. Further up the finger, there is additional protection, but why would I take advantage of that? Poppycock! Oh well, I can only assume the gods intended for my finger to turn into a sausage. And so it was written and so it shall be.

Now rinky is 40% purple and I have changed his name to Grimace. Fries for everyone.

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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

i like belle and sebastian

But I don't like Dear Catastrophe Waitress. It sounds like they were writing a musical and this is the fruit of their failed labor. Fruit of their failed labor - good name for an underwear company.


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

the squeeky wheel gets new compression pants

Per my last post:

From: Shock Doctor Customer Service
To: Roger
Sent: Monday, July 14, 2008 2:15:27 PM
Subject: RE: compression pants

We are sorry to hear that your compression shorts are not holding up for you. When did you purchase them?

If it has been less than 6 months, we would be happy to replace them for you as they should not tear.

The cup pocket should accommodate the cup that came with it. We put the cup pocket on the inside of the shorts so the protective cup can be held as snuggly against the body as possible to provide the maximum amount of protection.

When you wash your shorts, do you wash the cup with it?

Please let us know if you would like to proceed with replacement compression shorts.

If so, I'll need some more information from you.

Thank you for contacting us Roger.

Shock Doctor, Inc.

From: Roger
Sent: Monday, July 14, 2008 2:48 PM
To: Shock Doctor Customer Service
Subject: Re: compression pants
I do appreciate your willingness to make things right, but I must admit to being an un-meticulous record-keeper and full-time procrastinator. While I probably did purchase them within the past 6 months, I almost assuredly discarded the receipt immediately, wore the pants 6 or 7 times, stopped wearing them after the ripping, wrote the letter and then waited a good 5 months before taking the picture/actually sending you the message.

In this case, the snugness caused pinching (for lack of a better word). My suggestion would be a looser mesh pouch with a slightly wider cup. This would allow for some play between the mesh and cup and maintain enclosure for the appropriate parts as it were. As I am a goalie and can't easily adjust these things during game play, I have (as I'm sure you can tell) spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about these things. (I was wearing the pants/cup in addition to a goalie cup.)

I removed the cup when washing the pants.

From: Shock Doctor Customer Service
To: Roger
Sent: Tuesday, July 15, 2008 5:28:45 PM
Subject: RE: compression pants

I definitely am going to pass along your feedback about the mesh pocket to our product developer.

We would be happy to send you a new pair if you would like.

Please let us know how you would like us to proceed.


Oh, I took them up on their offer. That's a score right there. And further proof that it pays to be a jackass. You might get a pair of spandexy hockey pants out of it.


Monday, July 14, 2008

Open Memo Department

To: Shock Doctor
From: me
RE: exploding pants

Dear Shock Doctor,

I recently purchased a pair of your compression pants sized XL (if you know what I mean) with built-in cup holder.

Initially, I found the product to be more comfortable than other similar products and seemingly better constructed. I opted not to use the cup holder pouch as it was too small to comfortably hold the accompanying cup. I was also curious as to why the cup pouch was placed on the inside of the pant. Since the pouch is too small, it's difficult to fasten the entire strip of velcro. When it's not fastened completely, the exposed velcro is quite irritating on the skin. Consequently, I was forced to wear a regular cup over the pants. As to the cup itself, I was perplexed that it was constructed using metal rivets. While it might provide a stronger constitution, the rivets rusted almost immediately.

All was well for the first half-dozen times I wore the pants. But upon a subsequent use, I looked down and to witness the scene I've attached for your viewing. Imagine my shock (ZING!). I had only owned your pants for a matter of weeks and already there was a significant tear in them. Now I admit the ladies probably appreciate the fact that I'd fallen victim to your questionable workmanship, but I was not pleased. My dollars per # of uses ratio was WAY too high. And unfortunately I will be unable to purchase any more of your products.



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Thursday, July 10, 2008

the more you know . . . (as brought to you by Joe Garagiola)

My buddies and I went through a long "seeds" phase. We would often get together and sit around hanging out and there is no food more conducive to getting together and sitting around than sunflower seeds (and no better beverage than Dairyman's Iced Tea in the gallon jug). Anyway, we were always David sunflower seed kind of guys. It wasn't so much a conscious choice as David was usually the only kind of seeds the convenient stores stocked. And whoah, the mouth rot was mighty, but I was usually able to hike up the skirt and suck down pounds and pounds of the bad boys. All that salt could kind of funk up your inner cheek something fierce, but you'd wash it out with some of that tasty iced tea and you'd be good to go (to Perkins).

Many years passed until lately when I started getting back into sunflower seeds. But here at work, they don't sell David, they sell Frito-Lay. I'd been enjoying those and found myself thinking, "Wow. These seeds are much gentler on my seed hole. It takes much longer for mouth rot to set in." Then I started to think that didn't make much sense. Maybe my toughened mouth skin (?) was saving me from my previous ailment - probably the seeds were exactly the same, grown and packed by one giant seed conglomerate.

Or so I thought. Then I bought a big bucket of David seeds because they were on sale at the CVS. I ate a bunch and not only did the mouth rot return with a vengeance, but, much to the amusement of theMonica, the right side of my face swelled up - even when I didn't have seeds in there. I looked to be in a state of perpetual seed storage. I have learned that lesson: When Sunflower Seeds ==> Frito-Lay > David.

Next lesson - do I even need the seeds to be salted? Good question. So I did some research and bought some unsalted seeds at NutsOnline. Maybe you should too because, you know, somebody's nuts are on the line.


Monday, July 07, 2008

Netflix: Into the Wild (2007)

Or . . . Grizzly Man II: Eulogy for the Needlessly Dead

Contra Grizzly Man, I do not think Chris McCandless had a death (by bear) wish. I think he thought he was on some crazy adventure that would turn up roses and leave him with countless tales of adventure to tell.

He was not completely reckless, in that he prepared somewhat for his adventure. I say somewhat because, wanting to learn about smoking meat, he asked someone. And then wrote what the guy said to do in a notebook. And then when he later shot a moose, he ran back to his base camp and grabbed his notebook. Ok, ready to smoke some meat! Now, granted he had prepared himself for the need to be able to smoke meat, but having an list of instructions probably isn't enough preparation. In fact, any instruction set that begins with "cut out heart" probably needs to be experienced/practiced a time or two before you're ready to "go live" (as it were).

Eventually, after a hundred-some days in the Alaskan wild, the guy (most likely) starves to death. Inspiring, no? Yah, I don't really get the fascination. Alaska is riddled with bodies of guys like him. The wild is not a kind place. That's why we invented civilization. Guy was also kind of a dick. He left without saying anything to anyone and he didn't communicate with his family in any way over an entire 2-year period. He didn't even have the courtesy to make a late-night phone call from some phone booth to say, "Hey, I'm not dead (yet)." Admittedly his relationship with his parents was strained, but he didn't even notify his sister (whom he was supposedly very close to) of his plans. That, much like Alaska, is harsh.

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Wednesday, July 02, 2008

sweet, glorious capitulation


Netflix will now, and forever, be rockin' profiles. I like to think it's because of the fear I generated in them, knowing my scathing review of their decision would be read by in excess of 7 people. Kudos to Netflix for doing the right thing. And by the right thing, I mean, not alienating customers and encouraging them to keep handing over their money by doing what they prefer.

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