Thursday, July 30, 2009

Art of Office: Creeping out your co-workers

This is the story of how you creep out a random, hapless co-worker.

I was getting some water or a double salami (that's what she said) snack pack or some such, when I saw this guy. I was sure I'd never seen him before because he looked a lot like Gene Wilder. And if there's one thing I remember it's seeing dudes that look like Gene Wilder1. Anyway, I naturally began to think of all the hilarity Gene Wilder has provided over the years. I thought, "Remember in Stir Crazy when the warden ties him up drawn-and-quarter style for hours and Wilder gets down and says, 'What? My 12-year old back problem? It's gone!'? Are you honestly asking me that, of course I remember, you're thinking this, dumbass. Right."

I started to chuckle, nay, giggle to myself, just as some OTHER dude came around the corner (if it were the Gene Wilder dude, I'm sure he gets that all the time). He gave me a quizzical look. And I continued on my way, acting as if it was perfectly normal to go around reliving Gene Wilder scenes in one's head.

1Is there a guy that's not thought of as funny who's funnier? I mean, no one would list Gene Wilder in there top 100 funniest dudes (I'm sure I'm up there on all your lists, please email them to me). But, he is hilarious and I love him. RIP. Also, who is the evil genius who thought of Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor together? He should be beatified. How did that pitch go? "Ok, we've got a buddy movie." "Stop right there. Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder. I won't greenlight it with anyone else." God bless you sir.


Wednesday, July 29, 2009


So, I was at this bar on Friday after the Irish Fest. (Think cheapish beer and trying to avoid absorbing any Irish music.) And they had this funny little contraption that had two spigots coming out on either side and one of our friends (the alcoholic one) goes, "Hey, they have absinthe!"

Now, I've never had absinthe, but it's a completely convoluted process. First you have to buy some sugar cubes. Don't try to press together a packet or anything, get a box that has them pre-assembled. This is key. Then you take the sugar and put it on a spoon/spatula dealie. Pour the absinthe over all that and into the glass and then light it on fire! Then you put the sugar cube in the glass and mix vigorously. Finally, use your fancy two-spigoted contraption to pour water in the absinthe/sugar cocktail. (Apparently, the water process is supposed to take days, but here it was seconds.)

After like half an hour, we got our drinks and the bartender says, "Whatever you do, don't shoot it." Now, I have a rule. I shoot mystery drinks. If I don't know what something tastes like (but I know it's not going to be pretty), I shoot it. Bang! Bang! That's my motto. No smelling, no contemplating. You're only making it worse. Just down the hatch. "We can't shoot it?" "Unless you don't want to remember anything that happens."

My understanding was that I was going to be have some wicked hallucinations, so, maybe they'd be scary and I wouldn't want to remember what was about to happen. Besides, I'd been using beer to drown out the brutal pennywhistle ear rape I was subjected to for the past 4 hours; I was already playing dice with the night's memories. To top it off, I have my "Shooter" McGavin rule. But, I decided to be cautious and took a sip. Holy worse than Jager. Yes, some sort of liquefied licorice, but worse. No way I was pinky sipping that swill. So I shot the rest.


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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Netflix: Atonement (2007)

Stop. Spoiler time.

Oh, I'm a whiny little British girl that has an active imagination/makes shit up. Wouldn't it be cheeky of me to tell a lie about my sister's lover and send him to Turkish prison? Would it? I'm a cheeky monkey. Then one day I will take it all back and tell the authorities that my sister's lover is actually a stand-up guy and once saved my dumb, drowning @ss when I jumped in to see if he'd come after me. His hair looked ever so nice and I didn't think he'd do it. But he did! That was cheeky too. Keep in mind I was like 13-years old and the time, not 4. Aren't I cheeky? I am cheeky and lucky, because, in hindsight, he should have let me drown.

I can't emphasize my cheekiness enough. Do you know how cheeky I am? Do you? Well, I didn't actually do the part about exonerating my sister's lover. Instead, I wrote a book about how happy they would have been had I maybe said something and had they not died in the war. Best part, I even interrupted the one chance they had to do it. I'm a cheeky monkey.

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Monday, July 27, 2009

general nonsense

What it is my friends?

What is new in my world? Hmm, not much. I am sitting around waiting to leave work. Why? Well, I have roller hockey tonight and it is at Point B. I am at Point C. Point A is my house. Point D is some other point of interest at which I could go to kill some time. Well, the problem is that the distance between Point A and Point C is prohibitive to then travelling to Point C. I mean, A is just as far from C and it is from B, but in varying and disparate directions. I was supposed to bring a book with me today, which would have allowed me to traipse about Points A-AZ without much concern for locales or displacements or whatnot. BUT, alas, I forgot said book (I'm ready a Clancy for some reason. It's been years, but they're usually entertaining AND I can beat to death any would-be attackers). Sans book, I'm kind of thinking I don't want to go sit around the roller hockey rink watching a bunch of games. I mean, I know I should be scouting the league, learning players' tendencies and the like, but I'm thinking I won't go pro until next year and why put all the big time constraints on before they're necessary. (Point D was a red herring.)

A guy at work wants to learn how to golf because he's "bored." One does not slam car doors on their fingers out of boredom, I should hope, but he would do likewise. I offered that he'd be best served by taking some lessons and then decide if he was still really so bored. Maybe I should have disuaded him further, but maybe he'll love it. I kind of hate golf but find myself playing nonetheless. It is sometimes rewarding.

And there you go. You had to endure this so that I could burn 5 minutes. My apologies.


Tuesday, July 21, 2009


I think I saw an albino today . . . in the wild. You know, like not on TV. I didn't stare or anything - jeez. BUT, since I was SO concerned about being polite I couldn't really tell if it was a real albino or not. The hair was definitely spot on, but the pink eyes . . . ? Do you have to have pink eyes to be albino?

Whatever, I am like 80% albino and just as likely as that dude to get burned to death by the hot, hot sun so I feel a strong kinship with him. We're like (lack of) melanin brothers.

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She has hypermobility syndrome. You know, double-jointedness.

I have a slight case of this in my fingers which allowed me to be a champion "mercy" combatant. It's my greatest achievement to date.


Sunday, July 12, 2009

a laundry basket is not a seat


Fortunately, no one was injured by the shrapnel.

Enjoying our pink carpet? There are plenty of interesting decorating choices around here, my friends.

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Wednesday, July 08, 2009

turning 33 I think I'm turning 33, I really think so!

Well, ok, I am already 33, but that fits in with the song better, no?

I'm sure you all have missed me and my concise/witty opinions on all matters cultural and politcal. So, I'll fill you in:

Seemed like a good idea at the time.
F-ing weirdos.
Someone's scoring like 200 free teddy bears.
Dogs that shoot bees out of their mouths.
The movie Barcelona.

I hope that fills you in properly.

Yah, so that's what I've been up to: birthday cookouts; 4th of July cookouts; cookout cookouts; eating leftovers from cookouts; drinking beer leftover from cookouts; climbing up on my sun porch to powerwash it; getting in a fight with a squirrel; changing locks; forgetting to pay my credit card bill and getting that asinine $500 late fee - or whatever is is (like 90% of my statement balance); wondering why asinine doesn't have 2 s's. But I'm back and as mediocre as ever! So you've got that going for you, which is nice.

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