Thursday, July 29, 2010

the clientele

Are a perfect "shuffle songs" ipod band. You hear the song and enjoy. But if you decide to click through browse album and listen to the whole thing, you end up kind of wanting to kill yourself.

If you know the Clientele, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If not, have fun with your Hilary Duff albums.


Thursday, July 22, 2010

i INVENTED terrible and embarrassing internet postings

Many months ago, I took exception to Alan’s assertion that I had somehow appropriated Perez Hilton’s photoshop stylings. I’ve never read his blog, but I am aware that he crudely modifies files in MSPaint (or whatever) and posts the pictures. Now, I have no idea how long his blog has been around, but I know I’ve been doing bad photoshopping since the mid-90’s. For instance, allow me to present stikdead:

That ANIMATED gif (OMG you can animate gifs! Holy crap - let's have a dork off!) was drawn by yours truly in, I don't know, 1995/96. Yes, this was right after Al Gore INVENTED THE INTERNET. It was like, he invents it. RING-A-DINGY-DINGY.

me: Hello?
ag: Dude.
me: Yah.
ag: Fuck.
me: What? Tipper probs?
ag: No. I've invented something.
me: Global warming cash cow?
ag: No, but good idea.
me: Inward singing?
ag: No. Unpossible.
me: I don't know man. What?
ag: Double-U, Double-U, Double-U.
me: Uhhhh, losing me.
ag: The internet man. I just invented the fucking internet.
me: Sounds . . . cool. How do I interface with that exactly? Teletype? Messenger pony?
ag: Computer machines.
me: Ok. What can I do on it?
ag: Not much, at first. Go into incredibly slow chat rooms and make friends before they get WAY too creepy, read news and post your own stuff.
me: Wait. I can post my own things onto AlGoreNet?
ag: Dude, that's pretentious. I'm just calling it WWW or "internet."
me: My bad. So what could I put on there?
ag: Well, you can write stuff, you know, plaintext. Funny stories and whatnot. Scores for your intramural flag football team, and even post pictures. Pictures which in hindsight will clearly demonstrate why you never had a chance to get any squirrel in college.
me: Huh? Wait. Back up. What was that last part? Why I won't get any what in college? I'm only a sophomore Al. And there are so many ladies here.
ag: Right. I was talking about your friends.
me: Cool. So with the pictures?
ag: Yah.
me: What about one stick figure blowing off another stick figure's head - japanimation style?
ag: Let me code that [typey-type-type] Ok, you can try it now.

And then I drew stikdead. Best day of my life. True story. (At least the part about getting girls. Which I never understood. I mean, I had great features. LOOK HOW STRONG I AM!)

AND bladder control!

And tall hair!

And bad glasses!


You could have learned all this and more on the Dognutz Home Page.

Ok, first, let me explain Dognutz. Well, there’s not much to explain. A kid I caddied with took to deriding his fellow caddies with the delightfully mocking “dognutz.” Naturally, I started calling my friends the same. It was only a small leap from there to “what should we call our webpages?”. The obvious answer being NOT google, but instead Dognutz.

Having established a name, we installed a web server on Erk’s Compaq in the dorms and ran a web server off of it. Good work dognutz. Now, we need content. So, what do you put on there in 1995? Hmmm, maybe some Dognewz?

The Monotony of Monotony

Well, things with Dognutz are pretty much going according to schedule. Watch a lot of TV...and watch a lot of TV. As soon as Brian gets his booty over to the computer labs we'll get our heads rotating on the title page. It'll be cool - we swear! [Would have been cool, but never happened. -ed.] We (Brian, Jason, and I) just had this really drawn out argument about the merits of animal testing. Jason, revealing a self-esteem problem, considers himself only as important as a mouse. [Kind of an odd dude.] Anyway, I don't think that anyone (with the exception of Ryan - who went home) has been out of the apartment for more than 20 minutes this weekend, so the place is beginning to smell. [Already smelled - terrible.] Hey, it keeps all the chicks away. [Accurate.]

Update Newz...

  • In a strange twist, Lee and Stephanie are splitsville. Details are sketchy. [Sluts.]

  • Could Hooper and Christy's fairy-tale relationship be coming to an end? We'll find out. [It did and when I came home from class he was breaking up with her in our living room. AWKWARD.]

  • Roger made his debut as a stand-up comedian. For ever-important details go here. [That link doesn't work, but it was totally hilarious, I'm sure.] Also, Roger is obsessing over Salley [Hunchback.] and wondering if he will EVER go on a date with her. [No.] How 'bout it Salley? [Even though we were like 1 of 10 sites on the internet there was no worry that she'd actually read that - or this for that matter. Some things you can always rely on.]

  • Brian got turned down by a really hot woman, but is determined to press on. [He decided the first girl he was going to talk in his life would be the hottest chick on campus. Usually goes well in bullshit teen movies and nowhere else, this not being the exception.]

Gotta go watch some TV.[Two TVs, no sound, closed captioning on and music playing.]

Don't forget this is before like Huffington Post and all that. So this was some hard-hitting shit. Now, naturally, the entire website was not devoted to my lack of skill with the ladies (though that did consume a significant portion of it.) There was also - The Tommy Boy Homepage!
Movie homepages were a big thing back then. You'd take your favorite movie and you'd post a bunch of soundbites and pictures and whatnot and run with it. I had the Tommy Boy homepage and it actually got "a lot" of visits. Of course, that's relative to this blog, so we're talking like 12 dudes a day. But hey, that's nothing to spit at.

But, all of this is kind of tangential to Alan's comment. The real star of the Dognutz Homepage was the Head Pages. The Head Pages were, quite simply, our heads "photoshopped" on top of other stuff. I have to quote photoshop because they were actually "paint shop pro'ed" on top of other stuff.

Please take a look at this:

And this:

And this:

I suspect this is self-evidently awesome:

And help me out here:

And please, please, please tell me why we didn't have ladies ALL OVER US? It's a total mystery. It must have been all the Axis and Allies my dorky friends played that scared 'em all off.

Thanks for joining me on this trip down memory lane. As you can see, I am a long-time fan and proponent of shoddy computer art. I've been working not hard at it for 15 long years.

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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

blogger can not tell time

So I spent HOURS on a post that's supposed to post automagically at 12:03 am on July 22nd. Well, that time is now, at least EST. But maybe blogger is not on the same schedule. I would assume it's timezone specific as it seems like my post times are normally correct. Hmmm.

At any rate, it's pretty hilarious and I reveal the true depths of my dorkiness. I would only do that for you. So, come back on the 3rd minute of every hour until the post shows up. Now only will you get the post, but I will also award you 5,000 bonus points.

Happy refreshing.



Girl is going over flashcards as guy approaches.

1: Are you studying?
2: No. I collect stupid questions and write them on these small white cards. Thanks for helping.


Friday, July 16, 2010

while real Maria cavorts in Austria . . .

Bizarro Maria is unable to keep LeBron in Cleveland.

Sorry Canadians, inside joke. But rest assured, the chick on the right really looks like Maria.


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

question for the group

What is it about Europe that embraces pedophilia?

I mean, is it something in the water? If a guy makes some good movies, does he then get carte blanche to terrorize 13-year old girls everywhere? He is old now, yes, because he has been running from the law for most of his life. And geez, he was only supposed to serve 48 more days. He got 90 days for a really heinous crime and wasn't willing to pay this small debt to society.

At any rate, this case continually annoys me. Apparently if you direct Chinatown you can drug up all the teen girls you want.


No one likes us; I don't know why.

A buddy of mine, over some goff, asked me what music I've been listening to lately. (Overly long parenthetical to follow.) (Overly long parenthetical commences - it's pretty strange to me that he asked me this, but I'm finding as I get older, people get "out" of music. This I find even stranger. But, then, when I think on it, I do have a job during which I can listen to music and a commute during which I do the same, so maybe I'm at an advantage in that regard. Regardless, everyone is still trying to find new music, yes? For some reason, I feel like if I didn't, it'd be like admitting I'm dead, like spiritually or something. So, basically, now I've become someone who's into music and people ask me about it. To which I reply, Amazon MP3 Downloads page.)

I like Randy Newman – a lot. I’m man enough to admit it. Actually, I don’t think it’s even a guilty pleasure or there's any shame in it because he’s really talented. Memo to My Son has become my theme song. It pretty much perfectly encapsulates what it is to be a new father. Or maybe I’m projecting, but I don’t think so. You have that part of you that feels kind of a lot inadequate because you're not mom, but you hang in there and:
I know you don't think much of me
But someday you'll understand
Wait'll you learn how to talk, baby
I'll show you how smart I am

Anyway, L doesn't like when I sing him that one. But he does like Dayton, 1903. Maybe because I went to school there? He is a baby genius, you know.

Anyway again, I know all my Canadians have been wondering about what I think of LeBron going to the Miami Heat. I don't think it was a good idea. Check if out if only to see Paul f/u me! I mean, no one on here has told me fuck you, so I can only assume there's not enough passion for my blog. That saddens me. Swearing is caring.

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Monday, July 05, 2010

last night I had a dream and you were in it and Justin Beiber was in my dream

And he was giving me advice on home improvement projects. He was saying if you're going to remodel, you should plan everything out and buy all your stuff at once. He implied that you'd save money that way, but I think you're really only saving yourself multiple, increasingly annoying, trips to Home Depot.

It's strange that he made it into my dream. I couldn't hum a bar to a single Beiber ballad and right now, I'm too lazy to look up his name to make sure he's a beiber and not a bieber (or something else for that matter). Although, I have spent a lot of time trying to guess what kind of forehead tatt he might be hiding underneath his hair. Swastika seems kind of unlikely. You know how the kids don't pay attention to the history. Mickey Mouse? Is he a Disney kid? See, I don't even know. Maybe he's really like 87-years old and he's hiding his wrinkles. Who knows? No, for serious, who knows? I want his secrets revealed on my blog!

That is all. I promise to post more and this time maybe I'm not lying. But it's likely that I am. So there. Loves!

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