Monday, June 29, 2009

Netflix: The Jane Austen Book Club (2007)

top 5 things I wanted to happen during this movie:
  1. Terrorist attack at current location of book club meeting.
  2. Jane Austen's rotting corspe to reanimate and beat them to death.
  3. Each member to be stricken by previously unknown illness rendering them unable to read (but only Jane Austen's works).
  4. Super-swine flu.
  5. The end.

I don't even really hate Jane Austen. But this movie went from 0 to irritating in the first 8 seconds of the title sequence. It's true.

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

thought . . .

So, did Katy Perry and Jill Sobule kiss EACH OTHER? That's hot.

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

a.c. newman has a lisp

And so theMonica said to me at some point and now, that's all I can hear. No longer can I unconditionally enjoy his solo work or that of the New Pornographers. Instead all I can hear are all the extra s'esessesseses.

Some things are better left unsaid.


Monday, June 22, 2009

as seen on tv!

So, theMonica and I were on TV last week. We were accosted by some TV reporter from ACTION 19 NEWS! I'm not big into the local news, but this station is particularly funny because they editorialize all their stories with ad hominem attacks. They're always railing against "punk" criminals and "scumbag" politicians. It sounds silly but the false vitriol is actually pretty amusing.

At any rate, we were (somewhat) unfortunately on our way to watch the Indians piss away yet another game when theMonica spotted the reporter from across the street. She said, "Oh no. I don't want to talk to him." But then, we crossed the street and he asked something and theMonica started talking. The microphone is a giant societal Pavlovian instrument, you see.

What was he asking about? Donte Stallworth and Michael Vick. Why did one guy get 30 days for killing an old dude, while the other got a year for fighting and killing dogs? theMonica made valid and interesting points about the value of all life especially that of humans. I said, "In these tough economic times, one man's life is but 30 days worth of time." No. He was going on about whether or not it was ok for Stallworth to have scored 100 points in his personal game of Death Race 2000 because he didn't necessarily "intend" to kill someone (failing to mention that he was about twice the legal limit boozed up). All I got on TV was my zinger, "He INTENDED to get drunk." ZING! ZINGGGG!

That was about it. 10 seconds of face time for the hot chick and like 2 seconds for me, everyman. I'm not bitter, but maybe that should be his next investigation. Ugly dudes vs. hot chicks - who should get more TV face time? I'm smart. I got good ideas!

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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

the debtor Ryan D

So, somebody that used to live here has been a baaaaaad boy. Apparently he doesn't pay his bills or change his address and/or used our phone number as his own (though that's probably a creative debt-collector guy shroom-induced fantasy).

We've gotten a number of calls concerning some debt he owes. I've talked to this dude and he knows who I am, i.e. know whose name the house is in now. Despite this (and the fact that I told him Ryan doesn't live here anymore) he is un-dissuaded from calling and leaving hilarious messages where he goes, "This call is for Ryan. If you are not Ryan, by law you must stop listening to the message now." He then continues to say how he's calling about some money and to rectify the situation to please call some such number. Of course, I'm guessing here because it is illegal for me to listen to my answering machine. In debt-collector guy world, it is impossible for me to hear the number to call in order to get him to leave me the f*k alone.

Ok, so I'm sure he gets it all the time. The guy owing money says he's not the guy that owes money, but instead a handsome, successful, hilarious guy named Roger. But that makes it no less annoying. Besides, it's public record that we bought this house like 6 months ago and that the number he HAD been calling probably was disconnected and then they found a new number for the last-known address -- WAIT! Let me check the attic! Ok, Ryan is not there either -- So, he doesn't live here, debt-collecting guy. I'm sorry you aren't going to get your money, I really amn't. I wish you many riches and that many people who newly owe you money aren't so elusive and so smart so as to move out of a place and not inform you. Seriously, only Matlock could solve such a mystery!

At any rate, I changed our outgoing message. It goes (and I'm paraphrasing myself paraphrasing a long script I wrote): You have reached the [redacted] and not the debtor Ryan D. If you would like to speak with Ryan, I suggest you find out where he really lives and call him there.

I'm helpful like that.

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Friday, June 12, 2009

Wal-Mart: The only store you can get a Kenny Rogers t-shirt

for 3 dollars!

Oh yah, I bought it. But I'm wearing it ironically. And I can't get the Gambler out of my head.

Note: T-shirt depicts Kenny pre-facial FUBAR.


In which I may write my last post . . .

So, I am headed back to my alma mater for my 10-year college reunion. Wrap your mind around that one folks. Amazing thing 1 is that I graduated, given how mind-numbingly lazy I was. It took me a couple of years to figure out how if I just did a little bit of work I could do pretty well at school. As I got into more advanced courses, some of them required me to actually think. I had not prepared myself for this and my grades suffered. I was a stupid kid and really were I to go back I would have done much better. The funny thing is, looking back on it, was I didn't drink that much initially. As my drinking increased, my grades improved. Don't get me wrong, I never really applied myself, but I did put forth a reasonable effort. The funnier thing is that I taught myself to program when I was a kid and when I got into MIS (Management Information Systems), it was largely "review." I hadn't used the specific languages and whatnot, but I understood how to code. The funniest thing is that neither of those previous points were really funny, maybe curious.

It's funny, again, not ha-ha funny, but I can still remember the first day I was on the internet. A buddy of ours came back from the lab talking about the "world wide web." WTFs a WWW? We went and fired up the browsers that went to We eventually figured out that this wasn't the only site on the internet, but back then you did have the feeling that if there was anything worth knowing about on the web, you knew about it. Now there are probably hundreds of sites (in English) that I'd love which I'll never find out about.

They've pretty much rebuilt the entire campus since I was there. Maybe they named one of those computer labs after me or something. Then again they don't consider tution paid as a proper donation, despite my protests to the contrary.

At any rate, should you never hear from me again, I either re-enrolled, died or theMonica left me there sans internet access.

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Thursday, June 11, 2009

best man speech testimonials!

"If I ever get married, I want you to give the best man's speech!"
--Some lady that worked there

"Thanks! I got my ab workout for the weekend."
--Some lady with rock-hard abs.

"Great speech."
--Some guy.

"So AWESOME!! Do you have a blog?"


Sunday, June 07, 2009

new post goes here

So I had this tab open to a new post window for this blog. Hmmm, that means that I had a sweet idea that was soon to be a post. Well, here you go a shiny new post.

Anyway, I had my best man speech. I was pleased - I guess. I don't really know. I know some people laughed, but it was a huge room so it sounded like one guy getting the clap. Or something. The key players liked it, so that's what matters. Actually, the key players TOLD me they liked it, so that's REALLY what matters here, at my blog. Am I write or am I right or am I Wright? I just totally did that half-accidentally.

In the final analysis, getting married was probably 1.8 trillion times less stressful than being the best man. Especially since I am not the take charge, let's plan some outings - kind of guy. Once the speech was over -- and I should say, I enjoyed giving it way more than anticipating it -- I had a TON of fun. So, let's do it again! But two different people (that's the idea) and I'm not best man. Ok. Go.

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Monday, June 01, 2009

I have a new blog.

In case you hadn't noticed, this blog, like, sucks. So I made a new one! It's called, A Different Sucky Blog. Enjoy!

You actually probably won't as it's going to be exclusively about programming/computer stuff as opposed to this blog which is about my inability to cope with growing older. (What? You didn't know that? That's a motif, yo.) So if that kind of thing interests you (Larry), then go on over and be bored with me on a whole new array of topics (see, already a computer joke - BING!).

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