In person, Roger is an even bigger idiot. Out.
DO IT TREE!
I think if you post a lot in one day (which *ahem* I have today - at least for me), it should be called an orgy of posts or something similarly cool. I mean, I don't want to go to a party tonight and be like, "I had a lot of posts today." That's sounds totally lame and is not the least bit clever. They will wonder how many is "a lot" and what a blog is and what smells like vinegar. Whereas "orgy of posts" implies a whole lot of posts and maybe some of them are about sex. What better way to get people to read your blog?
It is with great sadness that I write this post today from my lonely cubicle. Why great sadness? Well, because I’m HERE for one, this the prime week for missing work. In addition, did you hear that Nick and Jessica split up? For serious . . . and it doesn’t sound like they're trying to make it work out. WTF NJ? I thought your love was true.
To LeBron James (21) and Tiger Woods (30). I'm like 5000 points and four Masters behind these guys. Time to get cracking. Hey, free cookie!
A buddy of mine, Brian, has agreed to spruce up the site a little bit. While I like the spartan layout, it does look like it was created by an eight year-old. I guess I could be some super-smart eight year-old and I sneeringly read your comments thinking, "I wrote this when I was four, simpleton." But unfortunately, I am not, eight years-old or super-smart. I'm just a guy with a dream of a better looking blog. I mean, doesn't it look like white threw up all over here? I know I don't have the skills to fix it though. The blog used to be all goth and when I changed it to white, theMonica and Alan (2/3rds of the blog's readership - yah 2/3rds, you can't spell proof-read without READ) both commented, revealing their approval. Or at least that's what I figured. But after that, lazy settled in and I haven't touched it since.
Not since Joseph Mengele have such hideous experiments in science been conducted as those which routinely occur in the office refrigerator. Mold infestations are common, even encouraged by the vast amounts of perishable food left lying about, untouched for months at a time. Today I had a troubling encounter with carrot water. This is not to be confused with carrot juice, which is a real-life beverage. Rather, carrot water is the accumulation of condensation that tapes place during your regular refrigerating cycle. Normally, said process is short-circuited when the food is eaten or thrown out. Carrots are a highly-perishable food. They will not keep long. So, when I picked-up the bag containing carrots and saw the water-based mold which was infesting the carrot water, I had to wonder. "How could one so quickly forget about their bag of carrots?"
Since I've been on SNL's case lately, here's something they did that I find funny! I can't remember where I saw it, but it's been all over and you've probably seen it already.
It’s all fun and games until the giant ape wants some alone time.
So, maybe it's a little late, but I gave you Santa Roger like a month ago and that should have been enough to let you know how much I care. Ok, I know I don't say it enough, but you KNOW how I feel. Can't you tell by the way I treat you? By the fact that I try to post as much as humanly possible (well, this human). By the fact that some of my posts are timed at 1 AM on school nights and I have a job to go to in the morning. Point taken. You're right. I'll try to be more considerate.
To your little sister when she's complaining about you embarrassing her in a not-very crowded theater. "We're blood. And there's nothing you can ever do about that." Use a southern accent for added effect.
White socks and dress shoes are a recipe for the boss needing to discuss an important project with me. Some of you may talk to your boss all the time - me, not so much. But on the day I'm wearing white socks with dress shoes, she, of course, had "pressing business matters" to discuss with me. She had probably heard the snickering about my wearing white socks with dress shoes and wanted to get a closer look. Surely she has noticed my penchant for crossing my legs, ankle to knee, while discussing "pressing business matters" in her office. She is also likely to know that I lose focus occassionally and try as I might to try and remember NOT to reveal my white socks, I would slip up and publicly display my shame. And she could laugh heartily on the inside.
Under no circumstances should you ask me for directions, seriously.
It's time for my annual Holiday buying guide! Wherein, I suggest a number of great gifts that you can get your loved ones, because really, we all know you haven’t been paying attention to anything they’ve said they liked over the past year. You vaguely remember a trip to a store somewhere when they were like, "This is really cool, but kind of expensive." Uh-huh. Where and what, who knows? But they did have a sweet plasma tv on sale – you remember that, you selfish jerk.
Sometimes the great thing about old movies is not the well-developed storylines or the superior acting or the attention to detail. All these things are true, but often the best part about watching an old movie is the wicked-sweet special effects. I know what you're thinking, "But Roger, special effects are nowhere near as good in olden times as they are now." Well, you're right. For the most part, special effects now, used properly and in moderation, can be stunning. We are rapidly approaching the day when CGI will be indistinguishable from live-action footage.
Why haven't I blogged in a day? Well, did you think that maybe after hand-crafting three quality (of varying degrees) posts on Monday that I could just sustain that kind of prolificacy ad infinitum (or nauseum depending on your perspective)? Well, I can't. After that third, painfully inciteful "thought," which apparently the genius of which eveyone read in a stunned silence, unable to comment, I collapsed to the floor, sweating, in a lifeless heap, so strained were my dozens of remaining crainial neurons. It was blogging OD.
I get this call from "Private Number," which is usually one of my buddies, so I answer.
I guess this was an alien investigation:
Now that my blog has been around the block a time or two (you know who you are), I find myself thinking of blog posts that I have already written or wondering if I've already written something while I'm writing it. I'm reasonable certain this is the first time I've written this. If I get really confused, there's always the google to tell me if I've already explored the eccentricities of Michael Jackson in a certain, newly subtle way.
Everybody pick up their copy of The Essential Daryl Hall & John Oates yet? Well, when you do, you'll notice something that I have yet to see on a cd . . . an FBI Anti-Piracy Warning.
Falling and hurting myself is very near and dear to my heart. You see, one of the first emails I sent to theMonica detailed how, whilst making the long trek from parking lot to office, I slipped in an icy alley and went crashing to my knees . . . really hard. However, hearing there was someone approaching me from behind, I didn't want to look hurt (ok, I did want this lady to see me crying) so I quickly jumped up and hobbled off as if no worse for the wear. theMonica's reply was, essentially, "ROTFLMAO!" Apparently this combination of clumsy hilarity was just the right mix to win her over. And the rest, as they say, is history.
TO: Dominion East Ohio Gas
I use the iTunes.
So, what if my subject sucks? All right, new profile pic! These are exciting events, to be sure. Pilgrim Roger is being retired for the year. He and that turkey leg are the best of friends. I now give to you, Santa Roger:
The blank page - exciting, full of possibility, literally limitless in its capacity for containing creativity. Its only bounds are margins which conveniently wrap the manifold ideas spilling out onto the next line.
Blog post "spoiler" alert! If you're going to read this, make sure you've read this first along with the comments.