Monday, March 28, 2005

thought . . .

Use this to burn your friends, but you'll have to spell out the one word for it to be really effective (or send it in an email, but if it's in response to a "real" conversation you were having that might seem weird).

Sour grapes make such sweet whine.

Get it? Snap!

Clean Up Aisle 7.

I hate you grocery store. With your bountiful produce, your itimidating range of choices, your large selection of beers, your barely functional cashier with the lack of initiative for hurriedly processing my purchases, your out-of-the-way-ness, your bright white lights and clean disinfected aisles, your delicious pastry-type treats cooked fresh in your bakery daily, your ridiculously diverse deli sections. It sounds like I love you, put I don't. It's not you; it's me. I can't stand going to see you, but I will have to visit soon or my girlfriend will be upset with me. I always say, never upset the girlfriend - any girlfriend. Besides, she has had enough Coors Light and water (not together) to last 3 lifetimes.

give him a chance!

Johnny Depp wants to play "perfectly normal" guy.
MC Wire Reports: Marseille, France

After portraying a pantheon of memorable weirdos, Johnny Depp, famous actor and notorious heartthrob, has decided he wants to test the full range of his acting chops. In a short, prepared statement read to the press at his small country villa in France, Depp expressed his concerns, "It is with deep dread that I announce the unfortunate circumstances of my having become typecast." Depp added that he felt like Hollywood producers no longer appreciated his acting range. "To think that I can't play a regular guy with a wife and a couple of children who spew molten lava from their mouths is ridiculous. Just because I'm a beautiful man, doesn't mean I should be discriminated against. I can play all kinds of parts. I can play the eccentric, doped up writer OR your average Joe case-of-Dom-Perignon."

Reporters asked what type of roles he was looking for and Depp had no trouble elaborating. "Maybe instead of playing an olden times detective with futuristic crime scene analysis tools, I could play an olden times detective who abhors science, hates his job and has telekinetic powers with which he hurls objects at criminals, including pumpkins - just more regular-type stuff. Or maybe a modern detective that solves crimes with only a magnifying glass, a pipe and a dizzying intellect. OR - instead of a teenager with scissorhands, what about a kid with rolling pins for hands? Scissorhands are exceptional, but rolling pin hands are kind of average. If I played a character with rolling pin hands, I'd be able to explore the quotidian tasks that you regular people have to endure - like how to get to work without shocking to stillness those who look upon your stunning handsomeness. Just kidding. Only I have that problem."

Thursday, March 24, 2005


This is a partial conversation I had at work. It's probably not that funny; it's really not funny if you're not a computer guy or gal.

He: Julie said since she's teaching me COBOL, I have to teach her Java.
She: That's not a fair trade. Java's much harder than COBOL. You should get 2 hours of COBOL training per 1 hour of Java training.
He: That's true.
Me: You guys just created some sort of weird, dork bartering system.

I wonder

Does it count as cleaning if you spill something all over and have to wipe it up? If so, I just cleaned my desk with Code Red Diet Mountain Dew. Why diet? Not because I'm fat, but because the aspartame has more inherent scrubbing properties than high fructose corn syrup. It's true.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Netflix: Vertigo

This is what Jimmy Stewart looks like when he's going a little nuts. Vertigo can really mess up your hair.


Great Moments In Cinema

Charlton Heston runs like hell in Planet of the Apes.

I got a laptop that has a DVD player on it (maybe I was too lazy to install a DVD player on the desktop - so what?). That can mean only one thing: screen captures. As part of my ever-expanding features (including my gut), here is another. Screen capture technology + Netflix = fun.

Saturday, March 19, 2005


Charities, much like panhandlers, are always looking for a handout. About three times a week I will receive a solicitation from a charity for money. In my case, the charity will just keep sending me solicitations until I become so annoyed, will- to-resist broken, I relent and show them the money. That seems to only encourage them. I'm sure they don't want to be unpleasant, but they are. As a public service, I am here to offer you some advice on money grubbing. Don't worry there's no cost to you – freeloaders.
  • Address Labels = Good. Regardless of how asinine your charity is, nothing warms my heart like free address labels. I would implicitly endorse pretty much any organization (the New Neo-Nazis, People Against Puppies, Babies Suck International) by affixing their logoed address label on my mail. But think about this Medecins Sans Frontieres has sent me thousands of those . . . How bout a couple of stamps? Nothing's more impressive than giving 110%.
  • 12-Month Reprieve. If I give you some money, leave me alone! The UN Association for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Stuff solicited me for some of my fine female deer. I, per usual, buckled, like a belt and donated. No more than 2 weeks later I got ANOTHER solicitation. It said something like, “Hey, thanks for the donation. But what about all the other kids who can't read good?” First, how about letting me get another paycheck before you come back asking for more? Besides, when did I become solely responsible for the world's literacy? As a resulte of their insensitivities, I refuse to give them any more money. They went to the well and came back too soon, they're dead to me now.
  • No pumkin seeds please. Because when you're tearing the solicitation in half, the seeds have a way of getting all over the floor. You're a bad charity Charlie Brown.
If you want anymore advice, it'll cost you. I'm not running a charity here.


I'm blogging from my laptop, which is like 12 feet away from my desktop, where I normally blog.

Monday, March 14, 2005

if a blog falls in the forrest . . .

In a fit of false vanity, I decided to google my blog. I wasn't fondling my blog, I was only trying to see if it would show-up on the almighty search engine. I mean, Google is a modern god and if it doesn't know about you . . . well, you might as well not exist. I discovered I'm teetering on the edge of oblivion. I found a link to the MC here. Joe once left a comment on my blog and I know him to have impeccable taste, so I suggest you click on over and check out his musings.

I did find something else interesting. Before I started this, I did the same thing I did today - I googled my blog name. I'm pretty sure I only found the occasional use of the phrase. But today I found this. All I can say is that I am deeply honored.


1: I was going to tell you something, but I've forgotten what it was.
2: Well, I can't do the thinking for both of us.

piano lessons

Thus far, piano playing has been a fruitless endeavor. (The only fruit-bearing endeavors being apple picking expeditions, orange grove farming, looming, that kind of thing). But the joy is in the journey . . . so is the frustration and the bloody fingers. No, I've actually noticed that I've gotten better at sight-reading. I hesitate to call it that because it's more like stare-reading. I stare at a note for a few seconds and then I remember which key I'm supposed to hit. Seems all well and easy. Each space and line represents a different note. When you're rollin' in c major, then hey, just hit the key. But now they've mixed in key signatures and such. Which leads me to the question, "Sure it's a b, but is it flat?" And if it b flat, it b F major.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005


Guy1: But, I don't want to go to the Ice Capades.
Girl1: Humor me.
Guy1: Fine!
...extended pause...
Girl1: Hello! I'm waiting.
Guy1: What for?
Girl1: For you to do something funny.

Gallagher would love this joke. Oh idioms! I always wondered how Gallagher got crowds to buy into the whole produce smashing thing. Like did he start it in a club in New York with like 8 people there (half of which were employees), puts the watermelon on a stool on stage . . . Attendees look at each other quizically. "What is he doing? Maybe he should get his hair cut first." And then Gallagher says, "This is going to seem really fucked up, but hang with me here, it'll be hilarious."

Yes, I'm quite sure Gallagher got his ass kicked a lot.

blog update

Blogging will be light over the next couple of weeks because . . . well, because that's how it always is. Light and whimsical and maybe a little fattening.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Essays for Modern Living

New new feature! I know, I'm throwing a lot out there (eventually something will be good), but bear with me. These are just some essays I plan to write from time-to-time. But in the olden times they used to write essays and bind them in books - crazy our predecessors. Olden times folk also used to eat their weakest young and boil people for saying the sky was blue and such. Let's be careful in the ways we chose to emulate those who came before us. Anyway, here is the first installment. Please bate breath.

On Storytelling

The most important factor in telling a “good” story is to avoid spitting on the listener. While aggressive storytelling is appreciated, exuberance of THAT kind leads only to a forgotten tale and a soggy companion.

Besides aridity, there are a number of key elements to a good story. Here’s a brief synopsis:

Brevity and Vulgarity. How many times have you sat, bored out of you mind, and listened to someone ramble on and on about some such trouble they had at work or some such other gibberish? ON and ON they talk, but not once do they spice it up with some of ye ole’ gutter mouth. Please, spare me the King’s English. Nothing can spice up a story like some well-placed swears. Take for instance a classic story, Little Red Riding Hood. Here is part of the original text:

"O, Granny!" cried the child, "what a great long nose you have."
"The better to smell with, my child."
"But, Granny, what great big ears you have got."
"The better to hear with, my child."
Red Riding Hood began to be more scared than she had ever been in her life, and her voice trembled when she said: "O, Granny, what great--big--teeth--you've--got!"
"The better to eat you with!"

Applying the first to elements of good storytelling (brevity and vulgarity), you get a much more concise and powerful story:
“Grandma . . . what the fuck happened to your face?”
“I hope you’ve got white wine in that basket, because it goes great with Red Riding Hood!”

The addition of vulgarity does nothing to take away from the moral of Little Red Riding Hood (wolves are bad) and coupled with the new, brisk pace, the listener has little time to be distracted by shiny objects.

Embellishment. Historical accuracy has no place when attempting to entertain others. Always try to use the superlative form of adjectives: fastest, dumbest, humongous-est, etc. In these modern times, it’s hard to impress others with anything less than the best or worst. Example: It was hard for me to find a hat for a boy with such a giant head, the giantest head in all the land! Remember, all of our grandfathers couldn’t have caught the biggest fish in the lake.

Visual cues. There is nothing duller than a stationary story teller. Move about your listeners, flail wildly, break out into dance – perhaps the Macarena? The whole of Broadway is built on the premise that vigorous movement makes for good story telling. Who would watch Evita, if she sat motionless in her Lazy-Boy eating Twinkies and plotting coups?

I find stories that are filled with excessive umms and uhhs to be tiresome. You’ll be kind to moan elsewhere. How about whistling or humming a popular Britney Spears song while crafting your next lie?

As I’m sure you’re aware, there are many elements to telling a good story, some of which I’ve revealed to you. This is but the beginning of your education. The rest is best learned for yourself. Now go forth and tell the tallest-est tales in all the galaxy!


New Feature!! From time to time I will think of some bit of clever dialogue, laugh heartily and write it down or forget what it was that made me laugh. I seem to be unable to synthesize these bits of dialogue into anything more substantial. Mostly my only option would be to cobble together a serious of random interactions into an incohesive whole and present is as unified project of some sort. I guess I could do that, but the fine folks of Napoleon Dynamite beat me to it. Regardless, here's the first installment!! Yay! (Note: Usually the characters are named like guy1, llama, guy2, girl, Napoleon, guy with lisp, things like that).

Guy1: It doesn't matter that she has a boyfriend. When does a woman NOT have a boyfriend? When is she not coming out of some traumatic relationship? When is a woman not involved in “dating” at least one person? C’mon. If you see an opportunity, you need to go after it.

Guy2: I would like to think I could find a nice woman that’s not involved with anyone.

Guy1: Doesn't happen. No one has that kind of resilience. Do you know how often any decent girl has losers like us after her? Gimme a break. It's this constant stream of desperate morons. Women are beating bums like us off with sticks. Even if they're not interested, they eventually breakdown and say yes to one of us. It doesn’t even matter who. It’s all timing - getting to them just as their defenses have collapsed.

Guy2: It just seems wrong to home wreck.

Guy1: Relax. If he's only her "boyfriend" it can't be that serious. You know what I always say, "Boyfriend is just a word."

Guy2: Sure, just a word - like jealousy and blind murderous rage?

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Adventures in Spam Mail Senders III

The spammers are winning. That's all I know. My daily intake of spam (email) has recently jumped from like 4 messages per day to like 10 messages per day. My daily intake of Spam (oven roasted turkey) is holding steady at 36 ounces per day. At any rate, it's tough to keep up with, even just reading the sender names for fun mad-lib fun.

Bundestag D. NonalcoholicThe Bundestag is the German national parliament and apparently they are a very abstemious and bawdy bunch.
Armory F. GlockenspielIf the glockenspiel's good enough for Buddy Holly, well, then, it's good enough for me.
Damage V. RubbingTeenage boys beware!
Heroin S. DigitizeDrug use just doesn't seem as exciting as it once did.
Whistles S. RejoinderYou won't win a debate with this guy.
Diplomat B. BulgarianIt's kind of sad that Elena Poptodorova has nothing better to do than emailing that a "Tan hottie strips".

piano lessons

I feel like piano playing has really helped my typing. I'm more fluid and confident over my computer keyboard than ever before. Isn't that great? This should make me more productive, thereby pleasing my bosses and increasing my wages. I say "should" because I'm currently utilizing my increased proficiency by typing this blog entry rather than working.

Unfortunately, the converse is not true. Typing does not help my piano playing. Although, maybe if I started programming in 6/8ths time I would see improvement in my La Raspa.