Tuesday, February 23, 2010

flipping us off

So . . . the baby is now "head down." Head down, hard at work, probably working on hirs first hit play. s/he will succeed where the father has failed. It's the circle of life, yo.

As of Sunday night, we would be in the hospital right now, freaking out about being responsible for another human being. But theMonica's doctor got all up-in there and felt what might have been cuddlebunny's skull. That being the case she ordered another ultra-sound for yesterday morning where we were immediately informed that the baby was where it was supposed to be after taking its good ol' time to get where it was going. (I do not mean to call our baby "it," but there needs to be a gender-ambiguous pronoun in English other than it. Canadians, get on that.) Baby did this on the sly. It is ninja baby. So instead of freaking out about our new bundle of responsibility, baby is still safely ensconced in theMonica's womb. Pheww. Bullet dodged.

For now. The original due date was 2/26, so that only buys me 3 more days. It looks like the perfect time for a 3-day bender.

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Thursday, February 18, 2010

why all the hate?

List time!
  • Why is my blogger typin'-it-in-font NOW GIANTSIZED?!
  • I went to church tonight. It was lame. They didn't play any of their hits.
  • I got yelled at for trying to go downstairs at a bar (where I thought the bathroom was). "EXCUSE ME SIR! EXCUSE ME!!!! RAAAWWWWRRRRR!!!
  • flu = hangover - fun
  • My flu equation is close, but, the missing element is I still had the, "I am too old to do this to myself." This was right when I was puking. But it wasn't my fault! I felt like a kid in a divorce.
  • Speaking of divorce, I made theMonica laugh so hard today that she couldn't breathe, started crying, couldn't stop crying and then started crying regular, mystery tears. I blame the baby.
  • Speaking of, that baby is like 6 days away, yo. So the question becomes, will this blog become one of those daddy blogs. Why the fuck not? Wait, that's bad, isn't it? Kids have to learn that swearing is awesome on their own. Don't ruin the secret for them. It's like santa.
  • Someone put a post-it on a vending machine concerning stocking the machine with "real" pretzels. Apparently, the "sourdough nibblers" are just a figment of my overactive, pretzel-based imagination. And really, in a blind/shape neutral taste test, he's going to be able to tell the difference? Anyway, this is the kind of stuff I love. I secretly photo-copied that post-it.
  • After the bartender yelled at me (bitch!), I got paged from work. I went outside (sans coat - bad idea) to call the guy that paged me. I was out in front of the bar talking to the guy. After a few minutes, some lady opens her window and yells something about trying to sleep (as if it's my fault that she lives next to a bar that people get paged in). I was a little buzzed, so I giggled a little, apologized and said I'd walk down the street. "Well, I don't see you moving." ZING!
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    Tuesday, February 09, 2010

    like the red phone, but only more secure

    Soooooo, I finally got a cellphone. Kind of. As promised, I've half-armed it (too lazy to half-ass it). I did a bunch of research and determined that Verizon had the "best" deal. None of them really have the best deal due to balances expiring, phone numbers disappearing, etc. But if you put 1 honey in your Verizon account, the phone is good for a year.

    Anyway, I hate the thing already as it was surreptitiously trying to take photos inside my pants. I kid you not. I sat down in my chair and I hear the synthetic picture noise. I had had the thing for about 12 hours and it was already trying to exploit/blackmail me. Scandalous!

    Besides that, the whole thing is a racket. You have to choose a "plan." I think these plans are designed for those who might have trouble getting a phone otherwise. They're structured to chew through your balance, rather than provide a service to someone whose wife is pregnant and doesn't really plan on using it too much. (What about me??!) Eventually, I picked a plan which costs a dollar per day (when the phone is used). After that buck it's like 10 cents a minute and 20 cents a text. Pictures from inside my pockets . . . priceless. BUT it has unlimited mobile-to-mobile with other Verizon phones. If you have a verizon phone, call me and we can chat!

    But, there's a hitch. I activated the phone last night and guess what happened? 3 telemarketer calls in the first 24 hours. Only theMonica has the number - literally. I was amazed. Verizon has to be revealing this info, yes? I called Verizon to complain and they claimed to have no idea how it could happen. The rep suggested I only allow incoming calls from my "contacts." My contacts? Is she talking about my wallet phone list*?? How do I interface that with a cellular phone? No, the contacts are IN the phone. And if someone calls that isn't in the phone, I will not receive the call. (I wouldn't even be able to receive calls from Verizon! GASP!)

    Eventually, I added theMonica as my only contact and restricted incoming calls to her. Should there be an international incident, I hope the Russians are able to reach me.

    * The wallet phone list is exactly what it sounds like: a piece of paper expertly crafted on Microsoft Word to contain names and numbers of friends and loved ones. My joke has always been that it was my cellphone. See, now I don't have that joke anymore. There's 4 years of writing down the drain.

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    Monday, February 08, 2010

    my protruding brow gets in the way of doing my makeup

    It’s true, but it does keep the sun out of my eyes occasionally.


    Monday, February 01, 2010

    big sale at amazon