Thursday, February 28, 2008

if i see any rubber nipples, i'm out

Ok, so a guy here is eating Cheerios. Out of a plastic bag. I love me some snacky time, but, man, he should be about 40 years removed from baggies of Cheerios. Although if they're Honey Nut, I might have to bust in on that.

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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

i can tell by the look on your face that you've got ringworm

Anyway, there's all this new "research" saying that diet pop basically jacks up your metablolism. You see, while it has not any calories it is sweet and the body, being sophisticated (yet completely STUPID) expects that when it takes in something sweet, that a bunch of calories should follow. So it releases insulin or whatever it is that my body does when I'm shoving Skor bars down my gullet.

Anecdotally, when I switched from drinking way-too-much Dr. Pepper/Thunder to drinking way-too-much Diet Dr. Pepper, I didn't notice any change in my weight/anything else (other than a decrease in overall deliciousness intake). Presumably I was taking in far fewer calories, right? At any rate, I knew it was too good to be true and now I'm trying to quit. So far - FAIL. Oh well. Where are my Skor bars?

We lost our hockey game last night. Sure you didn't ask, but just fyi, in case a loved one wants to know or some such. It was 5-1. Although, we held them scoreless in the 3rd period. Skor wait - NoScore. You know what I mean. So that was a moral victory there. A moral victory wrapped inside a larger, huge embarrassing failure . . . and then deep-fried. But we're not done yet. Anyway, that's how I prefer my moral victories - in a crispy shell.

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Monday, February 25, 2008

CVS - for all your eye patch needs

I absolutely hate having to pay ATM fees. I am old enough to remember when no ATM anywhere had a fee associated with it, let alone your bank charging you an additional fee for using an "out-of-network" ATM. It is not my fault that the stupid bank doesn't have enough convenient ATM locations. But today, I was kind of stuck. I had concocted a yogurt parfait (fresh fruit + yogurt - is that all that's required of a parfait?) and was going to pay when I realized I might not have enough money to purchase my parfait. I had 4 bucks. The problem with the self-constructed parfait is that the fresh fruit is weigh-paid. I wasn't really sure how much it would cost especially since I had used the larger container (having previously used only the smaller one). There is an office ATM, but it's not part of my inherent banking world (naturally). I could have hid the parfait somewhere in the cafeteria, left, went out into the cold, cold air and walked to a fee-free ATM. I calculated this would take me about 15 minutes. I also knew I would feel guilty if someone discovered my parfait and tossed it - wasteful! I'm also lazy. But man, do I hate ATM fees. Ok, so I'm more lazy/guilty-feeling than a hater of ATM fees. Laziness - the most powerful force in humanity.

Later I had to make a trip to CVS . . . my hands are sand-paper dry. Combine that with winter and my hands are . . . steel-wool dry (?). So I was out of lotion and I need some - and how! Off to the CVS. I also picked-up some Visine for contacts (my contacts have been bugging the crap out of me lately . . . laser eyes, here I come!) where eye spied an eye patch. For serious? People go to CVS for eye patches? "Let's see. Let me fill out my list for CVS: lotion, visine for contacts, eye patch, super glue, rubber chicken, prosthetic leg, cool ranch doritos, zagnuts - 1 bushel, hook." I'm sorry, that was my stock pirate shopping list.

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

go red or go dead

  • Mornings like today's make me pine for the fiery, scortched earth that DiCaprio is promising us. At least for a day so my face doesn't freeze off.
  • the more you know . . . While we're all busy going red for women - let's remember that men die from heart explosions too. Go red for peoples, peoples.
  • So, this lady went down - hard - when I was headed to the caf for eats. It was total, rodeo-style take down. She landed on her elbows and knees. Ouch. I provided emergency medical care by getting her a clean fork and some napkins for her bloody elbows. Women are way better at succoring in this situation. All I could do was shout-ask her if she was all right. "ARE YOU OK?! I SUFFER FROM VOICE IMMODULATION DISORDER." Fortunately, some ladies came by to provide shoulder rubbings and verbal mollification.
  • So how was your President's Day off? Oh, you didn't have it off, sorry. It wasn't that great unless you went to see Rambo which was an odd mixture of hilarious/horrifying/poignant. Well, not poignant, but I needed a third thing.


Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Netflix: Akeelah and the Bee (2006)

d--u--m--b, dumb.

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Friday, February 08, 2008

rihanna must be pleased

So, here in sunny Cleveland it's rained or snowed pretty much every day this week. It's kind of weird when you don't see the sun for long periods of time. I was out at lunch today when the sun had the audacity to appear. We all reacted like vampires - well, just as shocked, but not nearly so melodramatic or hissy.

In other news, aren't people who talk to themselves, per se weird? I mean, if we can't agree that a behavior NOT exhibited by like 99.9% of the population is weird, then is there such a thing? I only mention because this woman at work has a continuous, audible stream-of-consciousness thing going on - at least every time I'm walking by. For instance, the other day there were boxes stacked on top of a garbage can. I turned the corner and heard her say, "Whoah. Look at all these boxes." Later on I was talking to theMonica about the insane lady that works here and she was all disagreeing with me, like it wasn't kind of fucked-up. People aren't supposed to have OUTER dialogues . . . right? Sure we all mutter something to ourselves on occasion, but this lady takes it to the extreme.

Anyway, I'm off from work. Stay strong. Cuz if you get in a fight you want to be able to kick some ass and whatnot.

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Monday, February 04, 2008

outside responses to overheard conversations

(or Who's who in politics?)

First, allow me to preface. As I learned from Barcelona it's best to avoid matters of controversy such as religion and politics. And generally, that's what I do because I find such topics tedious. People believe what they believe and I'm not smart enough to convince anyone otherwise. Anyway . . .

"What are our options? An old man, a stone-cold woman and a black guy that doesn't know he's black."


Apparently she doesn't hold our presidential candidates in high esteem.

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inside responses to overheard conversations

"When you're as top heavy as this, you don't get up on ladders."

Dude, your kind of heavy goes all the way down.

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my childrens - don't panic

theMonica emailed me this morning in a frenzy. "Your avatar is down!! Dear God. Oh the humanity!" Actually, she exercised a very measured tone.

At any rate, the photo sharing site I use, zooomr, is moving their servers and my photos are unavailable. Judging by the number of comment I've been getting lately - Alan, don't be concerned. (By the way, how about a post this (rolling) year?)


Friday, February 01, 2008

the tell-tale foot

Someone in my cube area taps their foot - really hard. It's incredibly irritating. Just thought I'd share that.

I'm working on re-writing a program. As I said to someone else, it was originally written by a "team of insane, typing monkeys." How do you conjecture the intentions of insane, typing monkeys? Insane-typing monkeys, ok, you can figure most of it is just spazzing on the keyboard. But if they are mentally ill and they have a motive - how do you extract the algorithm? ITM do not leave behind documentation. Instead of documenting they lay on the branch of a tree on their back masturbating (with their feet) and upside down spitting/sucking their spit back into their mouths. This might seem like a particularly harsh view of monkeys, but I witnessed a chimp doing exactly that at the zoo. It was a day after prom event that my friends and our dates were enjoying.

Dang. That monkey got way more action than I did that weekend at like none of the cost.

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