Monday, March 31, 2008


The zombie fever has broken and the floodgates have opened. Now the massive cranial snot-product build-up must be purged. (If this isn't sufficiently graphic/disgusting, please let me know.)
I'm blowing through kleenex like Michael J. Fox through mall parking lots.

Ok, that was from a couple of days ago. I'm feeling mucho bettero, yo. Thanks for asking. I'd say I'm at 10% sinal leakage. Much better than the 80 to 90% I was running at over the weekend. However, I fear my poor, chafed nose may never forgive me.

Today is the Indians home opener. And guess what? It's not going to snow (please Lord, don't inundate us with snow due to my insolence)! It's fun and exciting and I'll be there after I bust out a half day of work. SNOOOZE. And it must be a tough ticket as the scalpers were out bright and early today. I even saw a whole transaction take place in the middle of the street. Car door to car door scalper sales! The following drivers were very patient. I heard nary a honk.

Happy (for real) opening day everyone! Go Tribe!

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Wednesday, March 26, 2008


From the land of coughing all day and staying up all night with feverish sweats! The feverish sweats are pretty annoying because, obviously, the body is over-warmed and there's sweating, so the blankets are kicked off the bed. But, the body cools and the sweat remains and well, it's still winter here and icicles quickly form all over. You wake up freezing, reapply the blankets and the cycle continues. Good times.

Because of this, I've missed 2 days of work this week. That's fine, I suppose, no need to go in and infect everyone with ebola or whatever I've got, but missing work when you're really sick is really sick, you know? I'd much rather miss it because I have a golf outing or something. But, don't worry too much, I feel like I'll be back to almost normal tomorrow. Until then, coughing fits for you all.


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

brown-eyed, frost-bitten girl

Today as I passed by Progressive Field, I heard Van Morrison's ubiquitous song playing over the loudspeaker. Presumably, since it's 12 days before the opener, they are testing everything out to make sure they're good to go come March 31st.

"All right boys. Make note: speakers work when being battered with freezing rain/snow. Oh wait, I guess we figured that out last year when a whole series was snowed out. Hey, can't wait to freeze my face off in a few days!"


Friday, March 14, 2008

fat guy in skinny pants

So I'm fitting into my "skinny" pants. You know the drill with skinny pants. As soon as you lose 5 pounds, you go out and buy some new pants because the old ones are practically falling off! (Hip-hop pants-wearing style notwithstanding.) And then the weight loss turns out to have been temporary and lo-and-behold you've got 3 pairs of pants you've only worn once. I generally keep my skinny pants because I'm lazy and they kind of sit in pants limbo indefinitely.

Recently, I tried them on and viola! they fit. Not only that, but my skinny JEANS fit as well. The "skinny" jeans were of consequence because they didn't even fit when I was skin-like the last time. I bought them at Marshall's for 8 dollars, in my size at the time, but we know how "actual fabric used" can vary wildly between brands. Really, I want to wear them so I can brag that I was able to get them so cheaply. They are Express jeans after all. For men.

Now the question becomes . . . whither fat pants? It seems kind of sissy-ish to hold on to fat pants, giving up on keeping the weight off. On the other hand, rebuying fat pants is probably the most depressing activity on earth. What say you fuzzy britches? What do you do with your fat pants, fancy pants?

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Monday, March 10, 2008

man seeking snowshoes

The weatherpersons were approximately correct. We did in fact receive a (in meteorological terms) "crapload" of snow.

This morning, my usual parking lot was inundated with the white stuff, having not been plowed at all. "Do you have any idea what the street value of my parking space is?" So I had to park like 8 feet closer for way-more money. Then I had to trudge into the office through knee-high snow drifts. Whoah but for the tiny feet which preceded me, I might have gotten stuck out there and eaten by hoboes (or fermented into a tasty wine).

All in all, not a bad Monday. Any day you can avoid becoming hobo hooch is a good day indeed.

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Friday, March 07, 2008

you know what dr johnson says, "winter, like fish, begins to stink on the third day."

They forecasted our second huge snowstorm of March for tonight/tomorrow. 8 to 50 feet of snow will be coming our way! That's what you'd think from the easily excited weatherpersons. I think it's actually 6 to 10 inches. (That's what she said!) But seriously folks, take my wife - please. I'm in a goofy mood today. Anywho, my friends and I have decided that this winter has been 2 thumbs down. We were lulled into a false sense of early spring by an early winter lacking in precipitation and bitter, bitter cold temperatures. Then we get to mid-to-late February and PA-POW! - cold-cocked!

Anyway, I know "in like a lion" and all that, but I thought it was supposed to be like Simba from Lion King kind of lion . . . a compassionate, wise, only-ferocious-when-necessary kind of lion. And James Earl Jones is the lion’s dad who speaks to him from beyond. “Simba. Do not snow on the weekend! No chance for emergency work closure!” Oh well.

Hey, they're closing this mo-fo down at 3:30. All hail Simba!


Thursday, March 06, 2008

roger's car doesn't go here anymore

So, my car got stuck in the snow yesterday. I was trying to get out of my lot and had nice, slushy, snowy, icey mix of precipitation under my wheels. Fortunately for me I had walked to the lot with a buddy of mine. I let him drive while I tried to push. But, I'm a sissy and that didn't work. Within a minute, a guy stopped his jeep and asked if he could help - SURE! And then another guy (i.e. hobo) stopped and was like, "Wait. I need to get you some traction." I have no idea what he had in mind (the bones of other defeated hoboes), but the 3 of us were able to get my car moving again. (Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I nickname him, "Salty Dogg Hobo").

Soon after, I got going, but was quickly in another could-potentially-get-stuck situation, so I yelled, "THANKS!" really loud out the window and drove off. What exactly is protocol in that situation? Do I stop the car and give everyone high five? A dignified fist-pump out the window? I was kind of funny because the "push out" was a multi-cultural affair. I kept thinking we were one lady in a wheelchair away from making it an after school special. She didn't show though. Besides, what kind of towing power does a motorized wheelchair have anyway.

The whole thing reminded me of another time during the worst-snowstorm-in-the-history-of-me-getting-my-car-stuck when I was on a road - and it was really bad, people were literally abandoning their cars in mid-street - just spinning my wheels, completely unable to get my car going. It was a relatively low-grade hill, but, man was I stuck. I was there for a good 15-20 minutes when two teenage guys passed by. They signalled if I wanted help. Hells yes. They pushed and I was able to get the car going. I had a mind to stop and give them both like 50 bucks, but there was no way I was going to slow down and risk getting stuck again. So I had to honk the horn in appreciation/jubilation and hope the gods repaid their kind deed in time. I still kind of feel bad I didn't pre-pay for that one.

I guess Cleveland is a great place to get your car stuck in the snow.

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Sunday, March 02, 2008

i have an idea . . .

A movie about . . . VAMPIRES! They're sun-sensitive, hate garlic and wooden-stakes, feast at night . . . Hollywood - get on that.

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