Holiday Buying Guide

It's time for my annual Holiday buying guide! Wherein, I suggest a number of great gifts that you can get your loved ones, because really, we all know you haven’t been paying attention to anything they’ve said they liked over the past year. You vaguely remember a trip to a store somewhere when they were like, "This is really cool, but kind of expensive." Uh-huh. Where and what, who knows? But they did have a sweet plasma tv on sale – you remember that, you selfish jerk.

With no more intro, here we go:

• Netflix. I have convinced about four people to take the plunge and join Netflix and NONE of them have attempted to murder me. If this isn’t the strongest endorsement possible, I don’t know what is. Seriously, you have doubted me for too long. Sign up . . . now . . . I’ll wait. Netflix is the gift that keeps on giving. Herpes is a gift that keeps on giving too, but it usually doesn’t make for a well-received Christmas gift.


• Trimspa, because really, we all know someone who could stand to lose a few pounds. And anytime you can tell someone that you think of them in the same light as Anna Nicole Smith, you're winning friends.


• Arch card – have you seen it? It’s like a freakin’ McDonalds' credit card. Put five bucks on one and give it to the same person you gave the Trimspa - just to ease the hurt a little.


• germ-X antibacterial hand sanitizer. Because the germs are everywhere and they can not be stopped. The germ-X stuff you can get at Wal-Mart in 55 gallon drums for 87 cents.


• DVR. Digital Video Recorder. Ok, this is like the sweetest thing ever. It’s all the convenience of a VCR with none of the inconvenience or clunky, self-contained reels of film. Despite how cool it is, the commercials for it are terrible. Like the one with the kid and he goes to ask his dad to read him a book and says, "Football again?" And then he starts playing with the pause button. They made that poor little kid look so effeminate. He wants to READ instead of watch football? "Daddy, turn it on Inside the Actors Studio! Nathan Lane is on today!" Yes, you can pause live tv and it is glorious. Generally, for sporting events, I don’t start watching until an hour in, thereby allowing me to fast forward through all commercials. Anyway, it’s amazing how spoiled you get by these features. When you’re away from your home tv and watching tv in the cave-like technological surroundings of a room without a DVR, you frequently catch yourself thinking, "What was that? Hey rewind it." Oh, right, no DVR . . . we might as well bash this table with rocks and grunt and spit at each other.


• Socks. You know how something sucks for a real long time and then makes a comeback and is really cool again, all the sudden (like 80’s clothes with the kids right now)? Well, I think that’s what’s about to happen with socks.


• Furbies. I recommend Furbies every year. You can not go wrong with Furbies.

Go forth and purchase. Only eight shopping days left.