confession

Good morning, my name is Roger and I’m a Twilight widower.

I know what you’re thinking. WTF is Twilight. Well, it’s Harry Potter for slightly older kids and apparently my wife and her friends. Twilight is a series of books that is becoming a series of movies and the 2nd of the Twilight series opened last night at midnight. That’s fine. But while I was alone, in my cold, cold bed, theMonica was at Crocker Park watching a bunch of teenage vampires traipse about fantasyland. Yes, it’s another teen vampire movie. I thought Lost Boys/Buffy pretty much shut the door on that sub-genre, but I was wrong. What’s it all about? Why so popular? I’m not sure. So far as I can tell it’s about a clown – a sad clown – a sad clown that won’t put out for his girlfriend. Maybe he’s shy, maybe he has the heiny, maybe he’s repressing something. I can’t really judge because I’ve only seen about 8 minutes of the first movie, but that doesn’t prevent me from judging. He also apparently goes out as a clown because clown make-up allows twilight vampires to withstand daylight. What?? Yah. And they put garlic on their pizza and wear crucifixes. They destroyed all the classic vampire tropes! I don’t even think they can turn into bats and fly or even count really well. Way to ignore hundreds of years of monster history twilight creator!

I’m trying to think of any movie I’ve seen on opening night and . . . . none. I think I saw Rushmore pretty early in its short, short run – me and about 8 other people. My buddy and I were the only ones laughing. But I didn’t have to stand in line to get in. And I didn’t dress like a vampire. But really, it’s not a big deal . . . at least until Teen Beat starts arriving in the mail. Then I might have to put my foot down. I only hope theMonica wore a bellyfold so our unsuspecting baby wasn’t subjected to all that chest-heaving, teenage angst-y vampiring.

intervention?

So theMonica might be having an affair with that creepy Twilight movie.

Initially, she was above the fray as her friends were all, "Lah-di dah, I'm just a pre-teen in love with a dude in a movie." (I think the dude is the one that looks like a clown? Right? White face paint and red lips?) This was the woman I married - above such nonsense.

But then, their wiccan powers overcame her resistance and the next thing I know she's attending Twilight parties . . . wtf? Ok. Disturbing, but maybe it's a girl-chat session, you know, regular stuff: talkin' about real live human boys and manicures and whatnot.

That's what I thought. Well, I usually play basketball on Tuesdays then go to the bar for some wings, but tonight I was feeling all of my 32 and 5/6th years so I came home. And what do I find? theMonica making out with a life-sized fathead of the clown vampire. No, just kidding, she was watching the Twilight commentary track. I mean, for serious? What are we going to learn from the girl with scoliosis? Not much, I say.

Off to the office I went with plans of emailing all our friends and family (except the others that are also addicted to Twilight). theMonica needs our support.