DO IT TREE!

Friday, April 27, 2007

i will not show weakness by donning my performance fleece

Here in the office the air conditioner has 2 settings - off and arctic circle. In spite of the pleasant (yet by no means balmy) conditions outside, were are on arctic. I am at a bad spot, betwixt two vents of icy air.

Maybe I can warm myself by eating some honey wheat pretzel sticks. No, I cannot. Oh no. I left my performance fleece in the car . . . garbage can fire it is.

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notes from the wayback machine

I've been writing stuff since before blogs were invented. That is a long time in computer years.

Why? I'm not exactly sure to be honest. It's just something I've always been compelled to do. A lot of these things were written on computers and I still have the files. What does that give you? Notes from the wayback machine! Because what's the internet if not a repository for all the crap you don't want anymore?

Here is an exercise from a book I read. It's was supposed to be an argument. Enjoy.

Two teenage boys sit on a house’s deck. There are slotted wood supports on both sides of the stage and upstage. They are sitting in lawn furniture, the waterproof kind with floral padding. In front of them sits a gallon jug of iced tea. They are smoking cigars, cheap ones.

JOE
There’s no way.

SAM
I’m telling you man. They would have to bill it as a big civic undertaking - make it a national goal. The president would need to give a speech about it to get everyone all worked up and excited. Like Kennedy did for the landing.

JOE
It wouldn’t matter. It’s impossible.

SAM
Even if we devoted all our resources to it, even if we put our top minds on it, scrapped all our other spending – military, social programs, infrastructure, even if we made this our solitary goal as the most powerful nation in the world, you’d still think it was impossible?

JOE
Completely obliterated?

SAM
Like it was never there. I’m talking GONE.

JOE
I just don’t think we could do it.

SAM
You’re crazy dude.

JOE
Because I don’t think we could blow up the moon?

SAM
Yes. Where’s your imagination? It’s hard on visionaries like me to deal with the shortsighted masses.

JOE
Oh yah. Blowing up the moon is such a mind- numbingly brilliant vision. You’re right up there with the visionaries of our time, dreaming up cures for cancer and artificial hearts.

SAM
Not everyone can cure cancer.

JOE
Besides, there’s nothing visionary about pipe dreams. I’ve envisioned myself sleeping with hundreds of women – at once – but we both know it’s never going to happen.

SAM
Spare me your doubt. Our only obstacles are a willing legislature and pessimists like you. After that, it’s only a matter of time.

JOE
Only a matter of time?

SAM
It’s just like the Grand Canyon. It was created by a stream of water, over millions of years, etching away at a giant rock. All that subtle energy over all those years and look what it gave us?

JOE
A giant hole in the ground?

SAM
Exactly. It’s all about persistence. Giant hole in the ground – giant hole in the air – same thing. I’m not saying it would be easy, but we’d definitely succeed. It’s like that flowerpot over there. If I had an infinite number of these cigars and an infinite amount of time, I could throw cigars at that flowerpot and eventually, it would be whittled away to dust.

JOE
You could never turn that flowerpot to dust.

SAM
Really?

JOE
Yes really. For one, you’re too lazy. Besides, your aim is really bad.

SAM
Is that so?

Sam reaches over and rips Joe’s cigar from his mouth. He throws the cigar off stage.

JOE
You missed by 6 feet.

The two are silent for a moment.

SAM
Maybe it’s for the best ... probably just knock the earth off its orbit.

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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Dear Festering Sore Hobo . . .

When panhandling with a pussy, open wound, use it to your advantage . . .

"Hello sir. As you can see, maggots may attempt to feast on my face due to lack of proper nutrition."

Or, the threatening, "Sir. I have the ebola virus. I will rub my festering sore on an open wound of my making on your person."

Or, "Sir, I need a bottle of strawberry mad dog to sterilize this wound. You don't want it to become infected do you?"

You're really selling yourself short by shakin' the cup and saying, "Sir. Little help sir!"

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Tuesday, April 24, 2007

note to self - note the punchline

My last post I wrote a long time ago. I'm not sure when, but the idea was to save it for a rainy day (blogging-wise) and post it here to make it seem like the font of my blogging is an overflowing river of ha-has and guffaws. So I open up the saved post and I think, "So far, so good."

The problem was, the post consisted of this:
Is it appropriate to send an email with the subject "friendly reminder"? Isn't it left to the reader/a majority of the readership to determine whether or not an email reminder was in fact, "friendly"? I think it's bad form. And that's how I responded in the subject of the reply.
There is one slight problem with this - I didn't write the punchline. That's why you were left with "dissenting rejoinder," which, come to think of it, should at least be "smartass rejoinder."

Let this serve as warning to all you other bloggers out there - remember the good parts. You can write the garbage filler any time.

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informative blogpost

Is it appropriate to send an email with the subject "friendly reminder"? Isn't it left to the reader/a majority of the readership to determine whether or not an email reminder was in fact, "friendly"? I think it's bad form. And that's how I responded in the subject of the reply - "RE: dissenting rejoinder smartass rejoinder."

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Friday, April 20, 2007

life imitates art imitates Alec Baldwin going completely apeshit on his daughter

Wow.

I thought he was sweet in Glengarry Glen Ross, but apparently that was him in "kind and caring" mode. (Incidentally, I made 75% of the comments on that post. I am this blog's biggest fan.)

I like the guy as an actor, but sheesh, count to ten . . . or a million or something.

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it is very important that we do not lose the list

Instead of having an "A" list for invitees ("B" list, etc.) I've decided to structure it like Major League Baseball. People who have to be invited are on the "Majors" list. People who I'd like to invite, but can be cut if completely necessary are "Triple-A." People I don't want to invite but might have to are "Double-A." And people who are really bad at baseball (and won't be coming to my wedding) are Casey Blake.

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

save the date

The date is September 29th . . . of this year (fyi, 2007).

I just simultaneously read your 20 minds and no, there is no babyCa on the way. theMonica wants to get married to me as quickly as possible. For that, I must fault my superior charm and musky scent. And really, can you blame her? Once you get your meathooks into a catch like me, real it in fast and don't ever let go.

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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Open Memo Department

TO: Avis
RE: New commercial


Clever, really clever. I especially liked it the first time I saw it -- when it was a Pixies' video.

At least you could have used one of their songs . . . for shame.

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Friday, April 13, 2007

how you doin'?

Is it illegal to sexually assault a baked good? Because the way my co-worker just eyed up a plate of community muffins, I think a gross defilement is about to take place. The look in his eye . . . like a skeezy drifter eying up a 16-year-old girl. It shook me to the core.

Is there a muffin defense fund I can notify?

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the gruesome details

The blog has been neglected with the distractions of giving my soul to another person. That is time-consuming work. The extraction itself takes days. At any rate, here is how it went down:

I wanted to propose ninja-style – you know, so she wouldn’t see it coming. So I (with the help of couple of co-workers and RS2) concocted a scheme in which I would place the bling, I mean, ring, in a plastic easter egg claiming that my boss had given it to me to give to her. The "egg-from-someone-else" solution was key because it prevented me from having to explain why I was giving Monica an easter egg. Not that I don't give her things, but easter eggs. That's not how I do.

I wasn't nervous about asking. I was anxious. Once you get that ring, you kind of want to - for lack of a better phrase - get it over with. It's difficult to explain but buddies of mine (married ones) experienced the same thing. I wasn't nervous in terms of asking theMonica. I was pretty sure she would say yes, but asking theDad-ica . . . well, that was a little nerve-wracking. I thought he'd be cool with it, but it's still pretty intimidating. To make matters worse, when I went to do it he wasn't where he was "supposed" to be, so I had to sit around and wait for him. It made me nervous and, strangely enough, sleepy. Not sure why, but I couldn't take a nap because I had to get my game face on. In the end, he was cool with it and we brought it in for hugs.

Afterwards, I put some candy in the egg and then the ring wrapped in tissue paper and placed the egg in a Easter-looking Chinese takeout box (I don't know what those boxes are called, but that's what it looked like). I had told theMonica she had to stop at her apartment to sign some tax forms (total lie!). We both got there at the same time. And she’s all, “Where are the forms?” as she was on her way to her aunt’s house and kind of in a hurry. I said, "Uhhhh, there in this European carryall somewheres." Then she went off to use the little girls’ room. Carpe Boxem! I placed the box on the kitchen table. I took care to make sure it looked somewhat in disarray, so as not to arouse suspicion. She came into the kitchen and said, "What’s this?" "Oh, my boss gave us those as Easter gifts. She put an egg in my basket for you. It's got candy and little easter bunny trinkets." "I always knew I liked her." The part about trinkets was supposed to throw her off when she saw something wrapped in tissue paper. But by then candylust had taken over and theMonica was already opening the egg, ignoring all my subtle subterfuge.

The candy was two pieces of this dumb crème saver stuff. Monica was not impressed. Then she started unwrapping the ring. I had to use a lot of tissue paper to hide what it was and about halfway through she looked at me like she thought she might know what was up. As she finished the seemingly interminable unwrapping of the ring, I got down on one knee and asked her to do my laundry for the rest of my life. No! I asked her to marry me. She hesitated . . . waiting, waiting, waiting – head nod! That counts as yes in most countries! And is legally binding in illiterate cultures! Ok, she really didn’t hesitate. But, she was already crying at this point. Kind of a lot. I thought they were happy tears, but I had to ask after a while, just to make sure she wasn't sad or had been pepper-sprayed.


The rest of the night was spent telling the above story 1.5 million times. Then on Friday we went to North Carolina to spend easter with RS4 and the rest of the fam.

So, there it is. No date has yet been set. (People are really weird about this, thinking there should be a date already. Jeez, give us 5 minutes to think about it). Maybe I'll raffle off an invitation or something. Don't everybody clamor for it all at once.

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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Open Memo Department

TO: The Ladies
RE: World Fish Stocks

Well ladies, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this fish has exited the sea. Let me take time out of flopping about dry land, gasping for oxygen, to tell you that I am now betrothed to theMonica.

I've always considered myself a more nimble version of a manatee. That being the case, I'm glad I escaped from the wild of the seas without being chewed up by a boat propeller - at least not entirely.

I love my little mermaid and I look forward to our life together.

Now, uhh, anybody know sea cow CPR?

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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

lie of the day

This blogging thing . . . I am on a roll.

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Sunday, April 01, 2007

Netflix: Pride and Prejudice (2005)

It's Jane Austen. You know (or you should know) what you're getting from the get-go. And I liked it with one reservation. Keira Knightley decides to challenge herself by eating a handful of Gobstoppers during every scene.

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