open memo department: Ben Folds

Bennie,

What's with the swears?  I enjoy your music.  I enjoy the occasional f-bomb as well.  But, I got this kid in the car.  He is listening.  He's still young enough that he thinks everything daddy likes is cool.  Now, I'm sure by the time he's 4 he will know that's not the case, but for now, totally tricked. 

We want to rock out to Ben Folds, but we can't - not really.  Every other track I have to skip because it has too many swears.  The ones I don't skip I have to turn the sound down at specific moments.  I almost always catch things in time.  I would prefer not to do this.  I would prefer my son not drop f-bombs on his mother.

I only ask this because you are talented.  You can write swear-free.  I know it!  So here's to good times, to my kids' favorite song "Uh-Oh" (Hiroshima) and to a swear-free next album.

Loves,
Roger

i'm glad noone saw me air guitar at work

You know Ole Mullholland by Frank Black? Teenager of the Year? Yes? Anyway, there's a part after Mullholland says "There it is. Take it." (and presumably before the St. Francis Dam Disaster) where there's a little guitar riff. I actually caught myself air guitaring it . . . to myself. It was strange as I don't know how to guitar, air or otherwise. Oh well.

"The concrete of the aqueduct will last as long as the pyramid of Egypt or the Parthenon of Athens; long after Job Harriman is elected major of Los Angeles!"

Frank Black not only entertains, but he also teaches.

So, get you some Ole Mullholland, St. Francis Dam Disaster and Llano Del Rio off of your amazon mp3 machine and enjoy some history whilst you rock out!

Dear Regina

One of my new faves, Andrew Bird, is coming to your town to make sweet, sweet love to you via musical entropy. I have no idea what I'm saying. At any rate, he is going to something called the Regina Folk Festival. Now, my feed reader for Andrew Bird is a constant disappointment as it never says CLEVELAND. For Lincoln's father's sake couldn't we get a band I like to come here, posthaste (ok, New Pornographers are, but somebody else). Hell - I'd even take the Happy Monster Band appearing in a drunken hallucination. So, I do not trust it and I am suspicious when it says a pass for said folk fest is 89 dollars . . . ? (. . . ? ='s this is a fact that I refuse to believe is true). Maybe with your 90 large you get a haircut from Andrew Bird. I don't know. Sorry I can't help.

I have been bad about writing. I'm not sure why. I still mentally construct posts, but then I don't write them. Oh, I have constructed a more solid back-up strategy, the finishing touches of which I have been applying. And that has required some time at the old terminal here. I am now secure-shelling into my parent's computer and storing things there. They have no idea! I swear, if any of you mad math geniuses try to hack into my parents' computer, I won't be pleased (*cough* Janny *uncough*). Anyway, I think I might add some Amazon s3 storage for most-critical data and call it a strategy. You're welcome.

the clientele

Are a perfect "shuffle songs" ipod band. You hear the song and enjoy. But if you decide to click through browse album and listen to the whole thing, you end up kind of wanting to kill yourself.

If you know the Clientele, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If not, have fun with your Hilary Duff albums.

No one likes us; I don't know why.

A buddy of mine, over some goff, asked me what music I've been listening to lately. (Overly long parenthetical to follow.) (Overly long parenthetical commences - it's pretty strange to me that he asked me this, but I'm finding as I get older, people get "out" of music. This I find even stranger. But, then, when I think on it, I do have a job during which I can listen to music and a commute during which I do the same, so maybe I'm at an advantage in that regard. Regardless, everyone is still trying to find new music, yes? For some reason, I feel like if I didn't, it'd be like admitting I'm dead, like spiritually or something. So, basically, now I've become someone who's into music and people ask me about it. To which I reply, Amazon MP3 Downloads page.)

I like Randy Newman – a lot. I’m man enough to admit it. Actually, I don’t think it’s even a guilty pleasure or there's any shame in it because he’s really talented. Memo to My Son has become my theme song. It pretty much perfectly encapsulates what it is to be a new father. Or maybe I’m projecting, but I don’t think so. You have that part of you that feels kind of a lot inadequate because you're not mom, but you hang in there and:

I know you don't think much of me
But someday you'll understand
Wait'll you learn how to talk, baby
I'll show you how smart I am

Anyway, L doesn't like when I sing him that one. But he does like Dayton, 1903. Maybe because I went to school there? He is a baby genius, you know.

Anyway again, I know all my Canadians have been wondering about what I think of LeBron going to the Miami Heat. I don't think it was a good idea. Check if out if only to see Paul f/u me! I mean, no one on here has told me fuck you, so I can only assume there's not enough passion for my blog. That saddens me. Swearing is caring.

i have 3 followers

The revolution begins tomorrow . . . you know what I'm talking about. It will be blogged, but I am going to write in generalities so as not to reveal my plans.

Well, I had a roller hockey game tonight (technically last night). We won. So there. I fell though once, unassisted, just kind of slipped. It is . . . moist on that sportcourt stuff. As the humidity builds, your wheels get kind of slick. And boom, there I go as the breakaway finishes. Yes, he scored. I only mention this because I wretched my back. And I only mention that because I want to complain about getting old and how you can fall and hurt yourself pretty much at any time. Like, I just fell out of my chair and broke my hip. Fantastic.

Anyway, I am all over Amazon's MP3 Daily Deal. I have gotten a bunch of albums I now really like for 2 to 4 dollars. I was going to make a bunch more links - you know like the WHOLE sentence was going to be a series of links, it was going to be CRAZY - but I know you don't really care. If you do, White Rabbits (uh, ok), Police - Synchronicity (comes in handy for Rock Band), Neko Case, Fleet Foxes . . . all things I wouldn't have bought had they not been inexpensive. I guess this is why everyone hearted Napster. Oh, now I get it. At any rate, go type that stuff into a search engine yourself. I need to go to beds.

NEWSFLASH!

TO: Rob Thomas
RE: Do you think you are David Bowie?

Because you are not David Bowie, unless you got a massive awesomeness injection and that shit's more expensive than botox.

thought . . .

So, did Katy Perry and Jill Sobule kiss EACH OTHER? That's hot.

a.c. newman has a lisp

And so theMonica said to me at some point and now, that's all I can hear. No longer can I unconditionally enjoy his solo work or that of the New Pornographers. Instead all I can hear are all the extra s'esessesseses.

Some things are better left unsaid.

machine go boom go boom

It saddens me to report that machine go boom is no more.

I have to say I've done my part as I've probably seen them play dozens of times. The last time they played I was going to go, but then didn't. And since the dissolution of the band was announced after their last show, I was taken by surprise. I kind of feel like when you have a big fight with somebody and then they die in a fiery car crash and then you feel like it's your fault because you said all those mean things and wished they were never born and whatnot. The remorse is thick. Maybe if I had been in the audience, my extra person would have embiggened them enough to go on. Probably not.

Alas, it wasn't to be. Godspeed machine go boom. You will be missed.

i like belle and sebastian

But I don't like Dear Catastrophe Waitress. It sounds like they were writing a musical and this is the fruit of their failed labor. Fruit of their failed labor - good name for an underwear company.

irish jesus

theMonica and I went to see The Swell Season, which if you're not wise to Academy Award-winning (I think) songwriting, is the group who wrote the songs featured in the movie Once.

A friend had recommended the movie to me. For him, it was seemingly a life-changing experience. I liked it fine enough and theMonica liked it more, but not treasurer of the fan club more. There was nothing wrong with it per se it was just one of those flicks that kind of happens and you go, "Oh, that was nice." It featured time-tested plotting, enjoyable characters, etc. Your ultimate enjoyment of the moview is directly proportional to how much you enjoyed the music. I hate Irish music as a rule, but this was more singer-songwriter lamenting-lost-loves music by an Irishman, rather than drunken tales of whiskey and whatnot, standard-issue Irish music. Out goes the pennywhistle, in comes the lone acoustic-guitar playing street musician singing for his Guinness.

Ok, so it should be your standard concert-going experience, right? Right? Wrong. I knew there was something amiss when the place was pretty much jam-packed. Fine - a little more popular than I expected. Then, the opener (whom I had never heard of before) completed every song to uproarious applause. Strange, right? Usually audiences tolerate an opener and will, at best, offer surprised applause, like, "Wow. I don't totally hate these guys." But this was genuine, WOOHOO kind of applause. I've been to my share of shows and this one was starting to get creepy . . .

Then Swell Season came out. Hallelujia He has re-risen! Never had I seen such an effusive response for a musician before. It was, quite honestly, kind of unsettling. I kid you not, the guy took a sip of tea and the crowd busted out in guffaws. Seriously. For drinking tea. And then he went on this long, rambling, largely incoherent spiel about tea and being Irish and drunk maybe or it was about corned beef - whatever, made no sense - but you would have thought it was Seinfeld. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA - everything you say is hilarious even though it makes no sense. Every other move was met with extreme approbation. The same kind of thing happened when the chick came out and started stammering about falling in love with a goat or some such. I don't know. Again - made no sense. But man was the crowd eating it up.

Needless to say, it was a sing-a-long show for everyone in attendance but theMonica and I. At one point I whispered to her, "If they start passing around kool-aid, we're out." I had to whisper because I didn't want to be exposed as a non-believer. I felt like I had mistakenly ended up at a Jimmy Swaggert service. "Wait isn't this the average-musician-wrote-ok-movie event? Oh, it's not. My bad."

SHOWTIME

I WENT TO THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERS SHOW LAST NIGHT WITH ALAN AND A2Z. IT WAS REALLY GOOD. WHAT'S THAT? Oh, sorry. I didn't realize I was shouting. It was really loud last night and my ears are still ringing. No I am not suffering from voice immodulation disorder.

Yah, so anyway, it was a good show. I didn't have anything to say about it. I just wanted to use my ALL-CAPS joke. I know. Hilariously stupid.

there's no shame in personal hygiene

theMonica, Alan, RS3 and I went to a rock show over the weekend. It was actually a pretty nifty little event where they take a bunch of local musicians and created new, random bands from the musician pool, making sure not to group friends, bandmates, dopplegangers, etc. It's safe to say we all had a good time.

I think most people did and the popularity/logistics of the event made for a crowded venue. That's fine. I'm not so claustrophobic. Odoraphopic though? Check. Apparently, new American Hipsters, with their tapered jeans and unkempt looks are actually taking it to the NEXT level. Gone are the days of just looking dirty. Now they are actually dirty. And smelly too. Is it productive to rebel against personal cleanliness? I thought not, but apparently stench is the choice of the new generation.

WROG in Cincinnati

theMonica, Alan, A2Z and I are taking a road trip to Cincinnati today. We are headed out mainly to see Spoon. Yes, I am officially a dead head, except I follow a good band . . . ZING! You might be wondering why Spoon isn't coming to Cleveland. Don't you know we're home to the Rock 'n Roll HOF???!! I'm not sure. Maybe it's solely to inconvenience me. I'm fairly convinced someone has erected a giant force field around northeast Ohio that prevents bands I like from visiting and putting on rock shows in my general vicinity - some kind of Rock Defense System . . . shady.

At any rate, I'm totally pumped to see them again. They are one of those bands I see and just keep thinking about how much I love music. And a great live show is a perfect manifestation of that love. HUGS!

We will also be attending the Reds v. Phillies game tomorrow afternoon. All my Cincy readers, make it a point to stop by. Not sure what we're going to do the rest of the time though. Check out the local sites, ridicule the city mercilessly, maybe start a race riot . . . only because it seems so easy to do there and well, I've never been - to a race riot, that is.

We are leaving this afternoon. theMonica has packed PB&J for everyone (really). And everyone make sure you go to the bathroom before we get on the road. I don't want to be stopping ever 5 minutes for the weak-bladdered.

have fun sorting through this pile of crap

• Rejection is a fact of life - all of life. I spent a lot of my formative/teenage/college years getting turned down by chicks. I always attributed it to my intimidating good looks. Either that or my club foot. Not sure which. While that's going on, maybe you'll get turned down by potential employers or maybe some loan officers or maybe bouncers at fancy night clubs - all kinds of people. Well, marriage is no safe haven either. Despite theMonica's exceeding popularity, some of my friends have had the audacity not to come to my wedding. I mean, wtf are you doing that your so busy you can't join the religious cult with me come to my wedding? Well?
  
  At any rate, I've gotten a couple of emails detailing reasons for people not showing. I've taken a perverse joy in trying to make people feel guilty/make fun of them. One person is going out-of-town to see a Columbus Crew game of all things (I play soccer too! Maybe not at the wedding, but sometimes). My reply to her was, "I will give you 24 hours to come up with a way better excuse than that." Another girl (see, always with the women rejecting me) said she was starting a new job and couldn't make it (from out of town). My single word reply was, "Bitch!" Later on I added, "I will forgive you this time, but you'd better be at the next one - oh wait."
  
  Thankfully, all these people already know I'm a jackass.


• I fully expect Bronwyn to show up at the wedding. Internet stalking is all well and good, but if you're for serious about your craft, you've got to show up in person in order to take it to the next level.


• A woman at work has taken to calling "Alzheimer's", Altheiser's or something. For example, "I can't remember that project, must be my Altheisers." I've been meaning to tell her that it'd be way cooler to call it Anheuser's and show up to work hammered every day.


• If you're a guy in the gym, I probably don't want to chat with you. If you're a naked guy in the gym, I really don't want to chat with you. If you're a priorly naked guy in the gym and then you tucked your undershirt into tighty-whiteys. I really REALLY don't want to talk to you. I mean, wtf tighty-whiteys? And triple-word-score WTF tucking your undershirt into your wtf tighty-whiteys. Strange and unnecessary.


• OH - one of my favorite bands - and Cleveland natives - machine go boom are on tour! Umm, I'm not sure if any of you are where they're going to be (Joe, they will be in NYC). Sadly, I see no Canadian dates. Anyway, if you see 'em out tell them Roger sent you. And they'll be like, "Who?" And then you'll try to explain about how I have a blog and I'm a terrible press agent because their tour is halfway over and I'm just now mentioning it.


• Hey Orbitz - I just want to play flash putt-putt. I don't want to go to your stupid website. Why not? It's fuckin' simple.


• "This is a nice place. It has food AND beer."


• "Cute cat. What's its name?" "Annoying customer." This is a guy I know. Now he is a weirdo blogger, just like me.

rebel

I am such a rebel that I am going to break the one blogging rule that appears in every list of "Writing a mega-awesome blog." That rule is, "Don't write a post about how you haven't been posting."

I say balderdash.

(Aside: James Dean is a good actor . . . ? He has that serious/focused/angered face at all times. No one is that "tortured." Leonardo DiCaprio does the same thing. I watched The Departed and all I kept thinking was, "Get that guy a Chocolax. Pronto.")

There are a number of reasons for writing such a post:

1. This blog is ALL ABOUT ME! Sometimes I have to ignore people. I feel it's better to acknowledge the ignoring rather than not saying anything and have people worried sick that I'm dead and gnashing their teeth and losing their hair and whatnot.

That's basically the only reason I could think of. That and that I'm ass-deep in this wedding business. I am generally pretty solid remembering stuff, but the sheer crushing weight of the number of appointments I have to be aware of is slumping my shoulders. I mean, there's a ceremony AND reception!

I'm also trying to generate the wedding song list. This is a difficult task as well. Here's where it stands now:

• Chicken Dance - The Moonshine Jug Trio


• Cotton Eyed Joe - Two Hillbillies, a Goat and a Pizza Place


• Old Timey Rock-and-Roll - Bob Seeger/George Thoroughgood/???


• Macarena - Two Skeezy-Looking Older Dudes Dressed Up Nice

Ok, fake list. For the real list, I tried to incorporate some of your suggestions and use the artist's real names:

• Float On - Modest Mouse


• Birdhouse in Your Soul - They Might Be Giants


• Dream Baby - Roy Orbison


• Hotel Yorba - White Stripes


• Laid - James (twice - inexplicable tradition)


• Tainted Love - Soft Cell


• Take On Me - Aha


• Come on Eileen - Dexy's Midnight Riders


• Just Can't Get Enough - Depeche Mode


• Goodie Two Shoes - Adam Ant


• Don't Stop Til You Get Enough - Michael Jackson


• Rock this Town - Stray Cats


• Tubthumper - Chumbawamba


• Here Comes Your Man - Pixies


• Sugar Sugar - Archies


• Build Me Up Buttercup - The Foundations


• Blister in the Sun - Violent Femmes


• I Melt with You - Modern English


• Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand


• Oh Boy - Buddy Holly


• Buddy Holly - Weezer


• I Wanna Hold Your Hand - Beatles


• 99 Luftballoons - Nina


• Signed, Sealed, Delivered - Stevie Wonder


• Just Like Heaven/Lovecats - The Cure


• ? - Cyndi Lauper


• ? - Madonna

It's probably a little 80's heavy, because that's basically the only music I like which can be dance to. I was also trying to get a good mix of decades - with some of de oldies songs on the AM radio. Hmmm, not sure why I posted it. Just an fyi, in case you crash the reception. This is what you'll be crashing into.

he got to get got

Work people are talking about bands they love and song lyrics: KISS, "my wife threw me out and I'm with the dog," Kenny Chesney, something about burning, but that might be a UTI discussion, the Eagles. Apparently "they" are trying to make someone the "new" Jimmy Buffett - I think a pile of vomit I spotted on the way in? One guy is really defending Jimmy Buffett . . . a little too much, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, it's way too early to be listening to this. And they're in front of the breakfast club spread. Oh the horrors I must endure.

Open Memo Department

TO: Avis
RE: New commercial

Clever, really clever. I especially liked it the first time I saw it -- when it was a Pixies' video.

At least you could have used one of their songs . . . for shame.

clear the 23rd . . .

I hope you don't have plans for next Friday because THE ASTRONAUT FARMER will be blasting off in a theater near you!!! I haven't been this excited about a movie since The Lisping Speech Therapist. TAF will have more rockets though . . . probably.

I have to believe Hinder wrote the soundtrack to this bad boy. "I sound like I'm whispering because my face is in a protective helmet-bubble." Fuck. That's gold. I can't even fake-write lyrics as bad as Hinder.