open memo department: Ben Folds

Bennie,

What's with the swears?  I enjoy your music.  I enjoy the occasional f-bomb as well.  But, I got this kid in the car.  He is listening.  He's still young enough that he thinks everything daddy likes is cool.  Now, I'm sure by the time he's 4 he will know that's not the case, but for now, totally tricked. 

We want to rock out to Ben Folds, but we can't - not really.  Every other track I have to skip because it has too many swears.  The ones I don't skip I have to turn the sound down at specific moments.  I almost always catch things in time.  I would prefer not to do this.  I would prefer my son not drop f-bombs on his mother.

I only ask this because you are talented.  You can write swear-free.  I know it!  So here's to good times, to my kids' favorite song "Uh-Oh" (Hiroshima) and to a swear-free next album.

Loves,
Roger

Open Memo Department

To: Shock Doctor
From: me
RE: exploding pants

Dear Shock Doctor,

I recently purchased a pair of your compression pants sized XL (if you know what I mean) with built-in cup holder.

Initially, I found the product to be more comfortable than other similar products and seemingly better constructed. I opted not to use the cup holder pouch as it was too small to comfortably hold the accompanying cup. I was also curious as to why the cup pouch was placed on the inside of the pant. Since the pouch is too small, it's difficult to fasten the entire strip of velcro. When it's not fastened completely, the exposed velcro is quite irritating on the skin. Consequently, I was forced to wear a regular cup over the pants. As to the cup itself, I was perplexed that it was constructed using metal rivets. While it might provide a stronger constitution, the rivets rusted almost immediately.

All was well for the first half-dozen times I wore the pants. But upon a subsequent use, I looked down and to witness the scene I've attached for your viewing. Imagine my shock (ZING!). I had only owned your pants for a matter of weeks and already there was a significant tear in them. Now I admit the ladies probably appreciate the fact that I'd fallen victim to your questionable workmanship, but I was not pleased. My dollars per # of uses ratio was WAY too high. And unfortunately I will be unable to purchase any more of your products.

Sincerely,
Roger

attached:

Dear downstairs neighbor lady (sans festering sores - AFAIK),

I'm sure leaving open cans of tuna on our porch for "under-porch" kitty will reserve for you a special place in cat-lover heaven. However, while UPK is a very nice kitty indeed, it is unlikely that mangy-angry kitty or smelly-worm-infested kitty or rabid-mouth-foaming-bitey kitty will respect UPK's exclusive rights to said tuna. In fact, it is quite likely that a psychopathic transient is, right now, feasting on your hard-earned foodstuffs (or the remains of UPK).

With all this in mind and with a desire to avoid 80 to 100 cats panhandling in front of our home, please desist leaving food out on the porch. If you want to take UPK into your home, so be it. You can even name him Uppky. But please - for the love of Sheba - don't leave your eats on the porch.

Sincerely,
Me

Open Memo Department

TO: Avis
RE: New commercial

Clever, really clever. I especially liked it the first time I saw it -- when it was a Pixies' video.

At least you could have used one of their songs . . . for shame.

Open Memo Department

TO: The Ladies
RE: World Fish Stocks

Well ladies, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this fish has exited the sea. Let me take time out of flopping about dry land, gasping for oxygen, to tell you that I am now betrothed to theMonica.

I've always considered myself a more nimble version of a manatee. That being the case, I'm glad I escaped from the wild of the seas without being chewed up by a boat propeller - at least not entirely.

I love my little mermaid and I look forward to our life together.

Now, uhh, anybody know sea cow CPR?