Happy Anniversary Monica!

I don't call her theMomica around the house.

It probably wasn't your wisest decision, but now you're stuck with me. No takebacks.

I love you baby.

before I pass out on my laptop

This isn't the POST post, on this, but yes! we are parents! We had a baby boy. Details to follow. I am having an anonymity concern about putting the name out. Hmm, maybe I'll do it in a photo so you can't text search. Not that all of your aren't my facebook friends, but you know for the strangers that might happen here!

Anyway, cuddlebunny was born 3/2/10 @ 9:53 am, 8 lbs. 14 oz., 20". Mom and baby are doing well. Dad is freaking out! Really, I am well too, but I did outcry him in his first 24 hours. He was crankypants today though and is now winning during his lifetime.

I leave you with this. There is a diaper that has a yellow line on the outside that TURNS BLUE when the baby has peed. Diapers just went TRON on your ass! (This could be a 20-year old invention that I might have missed in my avoidance of diaper changing.)

the induction will be televised

Well, not, but written about later.

Ok, so, tonight's the night! Well, probably tomorrow's the day, but we're checking in to the hospital tonight to be induced due to potential baby bigness. Admittedly, the whole size estimation is somewhere between witchcraft and voodoo, but the thought is to err on the side of safety/smaller baby. Hmm, that's all I really have to say about that. I'm feeling kind of calm, but sweaty. I get the chills when I'm really anxious. Look for that later!

Also, my pops is going in for surgery on Wednesday. If you have like 18 to 20 hours available today/tomorrow you can pray/meditate for/on all those things: cuddlebunny, theMonica, my pops and me. I will probably need the most help ultimately as this will all tie in with my hit alterna-rock band, Provider Anxiety. Look for my new hit single, Midnight Porkchops, on iTunes soon!

At any rate, wish me luck! And expect some silence here which would equate to the usual silence experienced after I submit a post.

flipping us off

So . . . the baby is now "head down." Head down, hard at work, probably working on hirs first hit play. s/he will succeed where the father has failed. It's the circle of life, yo.

As of Sunday night, we would be in the hospital right now, freaking out about being responsible for another human being. But theMonica's doctor got all up-in there and felt what might have been cuddlebunny's skull. That being the case she ordered another ultra-sound for yesterday morning where we were immediately informed that the baby was where it was supposed to be after taking its good ol' time to get where it was going. (I do not mean to call our baby "it," but there needs to be a gender-ambiguous pronoun in English other than it. Canadians, get on that.) Baby did this on the sly. It is ninja baby. So instead of freaking out about our new bundle of responsibility, baby is still safely ensconced in theMonica's womb. Pheww. Bullet dodged.

For now. The original due date was 2/26, so that only buys me 3 more days. It looks like the perfect time for a 3-day bender.

why all the hate?

List time!

Why is my blogger typin'-it-in-font NOW GIANTSIZED?!

I went to church tonight. It was lame. They didn't play any of their hits.

I got yelled at for trying to go downstairs at a bar (where I thought the bathroom was). "EXCUSE ME SIR! EXCUSE ME!!!! RAAAWWWWRRRRR!!!

flu = hangover - fun

My flu equation is close, but, the missing element is I still had the, "I am too old to do this to myself." This was right when I was puking. But it wasn't my fault! I felt like a kid in a divorce.

Speaking of divorce, I made theMonica laugh so hard today that she couldn't breathe, started crying, couldn't stop crying and then started crying regular, mystery tears. I blame the baby.

Speaking of, that baby is like 6 days away, yo. So the question becomes, will this blog become one of those daddy blogs. Why the fuck not? Wait, that's bad, isn't it? Kids have to learn that swearing is awesome on their own. Don't ruin the secret for them. It's like santa.

Someone put a post-it on a vending machine concerning stocking the machine with "real" pretzels. Apparently, the "sourdough nibblers" are just a figment of my overactive, pretzel-based imagination. And really, in a blind/shape neutral taste test, he's going to be able to tell the difference? Anyway, this is the kind of stuff I love. I secretly photo-copied that post-it.

After the bartender yelled at me (bitch!), I got paged from work. I went outside (sans coat - bad idea) to call the guy that paged me. I was out in front of the bar talking to the guy. After a few minutes, some lady opens her window and yells something about trying to sleep (as if it's my fault that she lives next to a bar that people get paged in). I was a little buzzed, so I giggled a little, apologized and said I'd walk down the street. "Well, I don't see you moving." ZING!

hello winter

First of all, to all my facebook friends, I do not care about your farm. I don't believe you even have free-range chickens. How can I respect that? You probably grow tomatoes as well. I HATE tomatoes. I really have no interest in your farm unless you grow beer. I don't even know if that's possible, but if it is, I want 100 bushels sent via facebook instead of all these odd pictures that I never look at/can't understand.

Also, if theMonica comments on something on facebook and it's especially foul-mouthed (or hilarious?), it's probably me. She does not log out of the system! I am left to wonder, who is this person and when did I become their friend? I mean, we have a lot of friend overlap, BUT she is a lot more popular than I am. *sigh*. Speaking of theMonica, I have made her a smartass. She has always been funny and whatnot, but now she like burns me. It's weird. I can't really say anything because I'm forever teasing her, but like, whoah! I've fallen into the sarchasm!

Also, it is our anniversary tomorrow (well, in 10 minutes). Should I wake her with breakfast in bed? Since it's midnight, she's probably not hungry. At any rate, she's like the best wife ever. I mean, who can put up with my shenanigans and still want to remain married? Not that I am tying her shoes together or anything, but I know I can be annoying. Well, or so I've been told.

Also, the title - yes, it was like 50 degrees out today with HIGH WINDS. OK, the wind was blowing pretty gustily, but I don't need to here 20 different co-workers talking about it. I didn't see any cows flying around or anything. Get over it people.

Also, this is like the tenth paragraph I've started with also.

can you dig it???!!!

I'm still here, yo. Well, you know, in the metaphorical sense.

theMonica and I went to North Carolina for our anniversamarry. We visited RS4/RS4H and theMonica's cousins/baby. Then we visited dirty hippies/the gay community, otherwise known as Asheville.

We stayed at a b-n-b. I'm not going to lie to you; I do not like b-n-bs. Some people appreciate the personal service, home-cooked meals and all that, but to me it feels like living with your family that you've known for 2 days - just as annoying, unable to punch. *I* prefer the cold anonymity of a large hotel. So maybe they charge you 8 bucks for a diet DP, fine, they don't make you sit 2 feet away from some hiking-obsessed Swede when you're trying to eat breakfast.

We went to the Biltmore. It's "basically" a 275,000 square foot "home" that an heir, George Vanderbilt, built. He incidentally, made none of the money. That place is pretty nuts and has individual rooms larger than our entire house - which seemed big at the time. I enjoyed the old-timey nature of it. You know? Like if it had been built last year, I would have been bored out of my mind.

The Biltmore has a bowling alley that reminded me of the last scene of There Will Be Blood. Though the audio tour gave no indication if Vanderbilt was as sloppy of a eater/murderer as Daniel Plainview.

1 year down . . .

Happy Anniversary Baby!

Hard to believe a whole year has already gone by, yes? No? Seemed like 2 years? Is it like that scene in the Jerk? "The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like 5 days . . ." I never quite understood that because isn't it supposed to seem to go FASTER? That's why he was the Jerk.

At any rate, here's to 80 more of the same. I imagine I won't have a blog, but instead a direct wireless connection to the //public/blog folder of my brain. Affirmative.

wham! with the right hand

If you were at the Cavs game last night, you can probably skip this post. (Nothing to do with the actual game.)

theMonica and I got there about 20 minutes before tip-off. As we're walking to our seats one of those "scream team" kids (generally they run around the arena throwing stuff at people) stops us and asks if we know who Joe Tait is (radio play-by-play voice of the Cavs). I'm muttering, "No thanks," while theMonica is saying "Yes." (Even though I come to find out she only KIND OF knows who Joe Tait is.) He tells us they're having a "Talk Like Tait" contest. All you have to do is make a game call like Joe Tait. You compete against one other person. Now, I'm no Frank Caliendo, but I suspected my Joe Tait was better than some randomly selected crowd person. After all, I'm been listening to the guy for 15 years.

These perfectly logical thoughts convinced me that, yes, I could "Talk Like Tait" and I should do that in as public a forum as possible! I filled out this form and as we're walking away I thought, "Wait, Brain, why did I do that?" " I don't know Roger, but we need beer – fast." I then started to think about how there were going to be upwards of 20,000 people in the arena. And really, my Joe Tait isn't that great (although I can busta-rhyme). This inspired an impressive consumption of 4 16-oz beers in about 30 minutes. After all, there were going to be a lot of people watching me make an ass of myself. You might say that I make an ass out of myself sometimes daily, via this blog. True, but that's making an ass of myself on my own terms. This was something else entirely.

I had to be at a certain section concourse at the start of the 2nd quarter. I was there, but my opponent wasn't. And some time passed and I was like, "Maybe I'll get out of this. Awesome." But, the scream team is too industrious. One of them went out and grabbed another person. It was on.

The in-game entertainment/announcer, Nicole, comes over to MC the event and tells us we're playing for DiGiorno pizzas for our section and gives us some pointers (basically, spaz as much as possible). They are going to show a "classic" Cavs clip, first with Joe's call and then twice more with me and Frank (the other guy) doing the call. The whole time I was waiting – I was sure it was going to be a LeBron drive and slam or a LeBron alley oop. Simple and fun. So when she said "classic," I was all – uh-oh. They show the clip and it's Damon Jones' Game 6 series winner against the Wizards from 2006. Per se, not a bad call, but there are like 5 passes in a few seconds before the pass to Jones for the shot. Whatever. I go first (they had me in a little picture-in-picture on the scoreboard). I start, not sounding exactly like Joe, but definitely getting the tone and pacing down. And what do I hear? People booing! F#@K YOU! You invent something like inward singing! Ok, so more people were cheering, but you can definitely hear the boos. It's very disheartening. I do my best with all the stupid passes and when Jones hits the shot, the requisite, "GOT IT!" And then I tell "Cavs fans to put a DiGiorno pizza in the oven." Frank goes. (I'm happy to hear he gets booed too). And I swear to you he mumbles some sh1t and at the end screams really loud. That's it. For the first second he was trying to sound like Joe Tait, but he abandoned that for his regular voice.

Now, the judging. I'm thinking I got it locked up. I mean, Joe is not effusive. He's kind of surly with a gravelly voice and he has that edge of bitterness from seeing so many completely terrible Cavalier teams. Joe doesn't scream when the Cavs win. That's the whole point of the contest, yes? Joe would never partake in the kind of histrionics Frank was pulling during his call. Not even if the Cavs won the NBA Finals. It wouldn't happen.

Surely, Joe Tait gets to pick the winner, right? Wrong! The ignorant masses get to decide via "loud-o-meter." I was really hating going first at this point. My fans adore me, true, but the bar is set and Frank's idiotic fans know how loud they have to be. And I had a bit of a cold . . . and . . and my finger hurts and and –

Ok, so I lost. Bitter, bitter, red-faced shame and embarrassment – literally my face was the color of a baboon's ass. I got a bagful of Cavs stuff, along with a DiGiorno pizza (DOG FOOD!). I was famous for like 2 minutes. On the way back to my section this woman in the concourse asked me if I won. I said no. She said she would have cheered for me had she been in the arena, but she was waiting in line for a beer. I called her a stupid drunk and slapped the beer out of her hand. No. I said thanks. People in my section were pretty supportive and I apologized that I couldn't bring home the pizza. One guy in my row was like, "That other guy didn't even try to sound like Joe Tait!" That's what I said! We had a moment there.

At any rate, it was a valuable learning experience. First, I call bullshit on the whole thing. 90% of the people wouldn't know Joe Tait if he delivered their next DiGiorno pizza. On almost every level, I was the superior Joe Tait impersonator. But, alas, you must give the people what they want, which, apparently is a lot of yelling - and judging by the first quarter contest a lot of people sticking their heads into plastic tubs full of mashed potatoes in search of ping-pong balls. They say there are no moral victories in "Talk Like Tait" contests. But I think we all now know that that's not true.

theMonica: an email exchange

(I heart my wife.)

From: theMonica
Sent: Monday, November 12, 2007 12:33 PM
To: theMe
Subject: ?

You never told me you met Jason Schwartzman. Are you making that up?


---------------------------------------------------------------
From: theMe
Sent: Monday, November 12, 2007 1:21 PM
To: theMonica
Subject: RE: ?

Why would I make that up when it wasn’t even a good story?


---------------------------------------------------------------
From: theMonica
Sent: Monday, November 12, 2007 1:23 PM
To: theMe
Subject: RE: ?

why didn't you tell me that or have you?


---------------------------------------------------------------
From: theRoger
Sent: Monday, November 12, 2007 1:29 PM
To: theMonica
Subject: RE: ?


I don’t know. It wasn’t a big deal. I mean, was it? I didn’t have sex with him or anything. He looked like a giving lover though.


---------------------------------------------------------------
From: theMonica
Sent: Monday, November 12, 2007 1:33 PM
To: theMe
Subject: RE: ?

Whatever.

"does this suit make me look fat?" "no. your wife does."

A long time ago, just before I was married, I was under 200 pounds. I had started to write a post about it. Let's take a look:

less than zero (+ 200) [proposed title]

[thoughts for the post]
So, for the first time since . . . I'm guessing 1999. I weigh less than 200 pounds.

I am now grossly underweight as I have a measly 80 pounds on Alan. He will be sure to exploit my new-found weakness.

Posterity - when I'm a complete slob fat ass I can look back on this post with melancholy.

Anyway, this was before my honeymmon and moving in with theMonica. What has happened since that time?

Well, I have consumed 1,053 pounds of the finest meats and cheeses in beautiful St. Lucia, all while doing ZERO physical activity and drinking 8,000 liters of booze. Ok, it was the honeymoon. Time to let go a little. And I did bust out some enthusiastic karaoke with theMonica. That had to burn a beer or half.

Fine, now I'm home. I'm home and I've eaten pizza and cookies for dinner the past two nights. Not like one cookie, but I've had like 87 cookies tonight. Plenty of pizza too, but I basically went apeshit on the cookies. I've also had some cool ranch doritos . . . you know to balance things out.

This is how theMonica can eat. She has what doctors call "metabolism." I do not. Pencil me in for full Jabba status in about 5 years. Anyone know where I can pick-up a metallic bikini?

hey - one of your eyes is bigger than the other!

theMonica . . . still discovering major facial deformities after all these years!

We actually decided my eyelid was droopy dog for some reason. Maybe poison ivy related. Yes, I have me some poison ivy - not severe, but sometimes itchy.

save the date

The date is September 29th . . . of this year (fyi, 2007).

I just simultaneously read your 20 minds and no, there is no babyCa on the way. theMonica wants to get married to me as quickly as possible. For that, I must fault my superior charm and musky scent. And really, can you blame her? Once you get your meathooks into a catch like me, real it in fast and don't ever let go.