how you doin'?

Is it illegal to sexually assault a baked good? Because the way my co-worker just eyed up a plate of community muffins, I think a gross defilement is about to take place. The look in his eye . . . like a skeezy drifter eying up a 16-year-old girl. It shook me to the core.

Is there a muffin defense fund I can notify?