have fun sorting through this pile of crap

• Rejection is a fact of life - all of life. I spent a lot of my formative/teenage/college years getting turned down by chicks. I always attributed it to my intimidating good looks. Either that or my club foot. Not sure which. While that's going on, maybe you'll get turned down by potential employers or maybe some loan officers or maybe bouncers at fancy night clubs - all kinds of people. Well, marriage is no safe haven either. Despite theMonica's exceeding popularity, some of my friends have had the audacity not to come to my wedding. I mean, wtf are you doing that your so busy you can't join the religious cult with me come to my wedding? Well?
  
  At any rate, I've gotten a couple of emails detailing reasons for people not showing. I've taken a perverse joy in trying to make people feel guilty/make fun of them. One person is going out-of-town to see a Columbus Crew game of all things (I play soccer too! Maybe not at the wedding, but sometimes). My reply to her was, "I will give you 24 hours to come up with a way better excuse than that." Another girl (see, always with the women rejecting me) said she was starting a new job and couldn't make it (from out of town). My single word reply was, "Bitch!" Later on I added, "I will forgive you this time, but you'd better be at the next one - oh wait."
  
  Thankfully, all these people already know I'm a jackass.


• I fully expect Bronwyn to show up at the wedding. Internet stalking is all well and good, but if you're for serious about your craft, you've got to show up in person in order to take it to the next level.


• A woman at work has taken to calling "Alzheimer's", Altheiser's or something. For example, "I can't remember that project, must be my Altheisers." I've been meaning to tell her that it'd be way cooler to call it Anheuser's and show up to work hammered every day.


• If you're a guy in the gym, I probably don't want to chat with you. If you're a naked guy in the gym, I really don't want to chat with you. If you're a priorly naked guy in the gym and then you tucked your undershirt into tighty-whiteys. I really REALLY don't want to talk to you. I mean, wtf tighty-whiteys? And triple-word-score WTF tucking your undershirt into your wtf tighty-whiteys. Strange and unnecessary.


• OH - one of my favorite bands - and Cleveland natives - machine go boom are on tour! Umm, I'm not sure if any of you are where they're going to be (Joe, they will be in NYC). Sadly, I see no Canadian dates. Anyway, if you see 'em out tell them Roger sent you. And they'll be like, "Who?" And then you'll try to explain about how I have a blog and I'm a terrible press agent because their tour is halfway over and I'm just now mentioning it.


• Hey Orbitz - I just want to play flash putt-putt. I don't want to go to your stupid website. Why not? It's fuckin' simple.


• "This is a nice place. It has food AND beer."


• "Cute cat. What's its name?" "Annoying customer." This is a guy I know. Now he is a weirdo blogger, just like me.