Saturday, March 19, 2005


Charities, much like panhandlers, are always looking for a handout. About three times a week I will receive a solicitation from a charity for money. In my case, the charity will just keep sending me solicitations until I become so annoyed, will- to-resist broken, I relent and show them the money. That seems to only encourage them. I'm sure they don't want to be unpleasant, but they are. As a public service, I am here to offer you some advice on money grubbing. Don't worry there's no cost to you – freeloaders.
  • Address Labels = Good. Regardless of how asinine your charity is, nothing warms my heart like free address labels. I would implicitly endorse pretty much any organization (the New Neo-Nazis, People Against Puppies, Babies Suck International) by affixing their logoed address label on my mail. But think about this Medecins Sans Frontieres has sent me thousands of those . . . How bout a couple of stamps? Nothing's more impressive than giving 110%.
  • 12-Month Reprieve. If I give you some money, leave me alone! The UN Association for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Stuff solicited me for some of my fine female deer. I, per usual, buckled, like a belt and donated. No more than 2 weeks later I got ANOTHER solicitation. It said something like, “Hey, thanks for the donation. But what about all the other kids who can't read good?” First, how about letting me get another paycheck before you come back asking for more? Besides, when did I become solely responsible for the world's literacy? As a resulte of their insensitivities, I refuse to give them any more money. They went to the well and came back too soon, they're dead to me now.
  • No pumkin seeds please. Because when you're tearing the solicitation in half, the seeds have a way of getting all over the floor. You're a bad charity Charlie Brown.
If you want anymore advice, it'll cost you. I'm not running a charity here.


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