Thursday, October 11, 2007

"does this suit make me look fat?"
"no. your wife does."

A long time ago, just before I was married, I was under 200 pounds. I had started to write a post about it. Let's take a look:
less than zero (+ 200) [proposed title]

[thoughts for the post]
So, for the first time since . . . I'm guessing 1999. I weigh less than 200 pounds.

I am now grossly underweight as I have a measly 80 pounds on Alan. He will be sure to exploit my new-found weakness.

Posterity - when I'm a complete slob fat ass I can look back on this post with melancholy.
Anyway, this was before my honeymmon and moving in with theMonica. What has happened since that time?

Well, I have consumed 1,053 pounds of the finest meats and cheeses in beautiful St. Lucia, all while doing ZERO physical activity and drinking 8,000 liters of booze. Ok, it was the honeymoon. Time to let go a little. And I did bust out some enthusiastic karaoke with theMonica. That had to burn a beer or half.

Fine, now I'm home. I'm home and I've eaten pizza and cookies for dinner the past two nights. Not like one cookie, but I've had like 87 cookies tonight. Plenty of pizza too, but I basically went apeshit on the cookies. I've also had some cool ranch doritos . . . you know to balance things out.

This is how theMonica can eat. She has what doctors call "metabolism." I do not. Pencil me in for full Jabba status in about 5 years. Anyone know where I can pick-up a metallic bikini?

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Blogger Soph said...

I feel your pain. Lair has a crazy sweet tooth & prior to my veto he wanted - nay required dessert every night. It had been going on like this since the moment we found out we were pregnant with Jonas. I went along with it since I was throwing it all up anyways - after all it is how bulimics have been operating for years, but now that Jonas is nearly 10 months old I had to put a band on the binge eating, I need to lose weight, not gain it - frozen custard should not be consumed more then once a week. We have a calendar of the flavor of the day on our fridge for pete's sake.

7:57 AM

Blogger Alan said...

I'm concerned about your current eating habits. I recommend nothing but vegan sloppy joes from here on out.

9:45 AM

Anonymous Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I married someone with a metabolism too. It is so unfair.

12:09 PM

Blogger may-b said...

My boyfriend has yet to consume a vegetable on purpose and at 6'5" has never weighed over 185. It makes me want to beat him with a stick. I've gained 15 lbs just in the short time we've been dating. Metabolism people suck.

2:32 PM

Blogger Joe said...

You went apeshit all over the cookies? Well, I guess that's one way to keep from eating them...

8:01 AM


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