confession

Good morning, my name is Roger and I’m a Twilight widower.

I know what you’re thinking. WTF is Twilight. Well, it’s Harry Potter for slightly older kids and apparently my wife and her friends. Twilight is a series of books that is becoming a series of movies and the 2nd of the Twilight series opened last night at midnight. That’s fine. But while I was alone, in my cold, cold bed, theMonica was at Crocker Park watching a bunch of teenage vampires traipse about fantasyland. Yes, it’s another teen vampire movie. I thought Lost Boys/Buffy pretty much shut the door on that sub-genre, but I was wrong. What’s it all about? Why so popular? I’m not sure. So far as I can tell it’s about a clown – a sad clown – a sad clown that won’t put out for his girlfriend. Maybe he’s shy, maybe he has the heiny, maybe he’s repressing something. I can’t really judge because I’ve only seen about 8 minutes of the first movie, but that doesn’t prevent me from judging. He also apparently goes out as a clown because clown make-up allows twilight vampires to withstand daylight. What?? Yah. And they put garlic on their pizza and wear crucifixes. They destroyed all the classic vampire tropes! I don’t even think they can turn into bats and fly or even count really well. Way to ignore hundreds of years of monster history twilight creator!

I’m trying to think of any movie I’ve seen on opening night and . . . . none. I think I saw Rushmore pretty early in its short, short run – me and about 8 other people. My buddy and I were the only ones laughing. But I didn’t have to stand in line to get in. And I didn’t dress like a vampire. But really, it’s not a big deal . . . at least until Teen Beat starts arriving in the mail. Then I might have to put my foot down. I only hope theMonica wore a bellyfold so our unsuspecting baby wasn’t subjected to all that chest-heaving, teenage angst-y vampiring.

high school chicks . . . still laughing after all these years

I was driving home from work today and let out a ferocious yawn, uncovered. (This despite Modest Mouse's warning that "You're not invisible inside your car.") At that second, a car of high school girls drove by. The one in back looked, laughed and pointed. I don't know what was so hilarious. I did not shoot stinging bees out of my mouth or anything. I mean, listen deary, when you get to my age it's all I can do to prevent falling asleep on the way home.

At any rate, it's not anything I'm not used to. In fact it's like my trademark. Roger: Laughed at by High School Chicks Since 1990. (TM).

In other news, the groundhog lives. Soph - send me some sulphur. More on that later. I know I've left a lot of coyote urine questions, how should I say, lingering.

where there's coyote urine . . .

There must certainly be a coyote Mr. Groundhog. Yes. Yes indeed. And he just finished an all-week bender and really needs to relieve himself all over the foundation of my home.

This, my friends, is our next strategy. Coyotes apparently can get all bitey with groundhogs. This being the case, we hope that the smell of coyote urine will scare away our groundhog and prevent him from lowering our foundation with his intricate tunneling. I am not a groundhog, but this seems like compelling logic. Coyote urine = coyote. It's simple!

In a related note, coyotes need to drink more water.

some girls' mothers are bigger than other girls' mothers

So, the groundhog saga continues. We put a trap out which the next day, theMonica told me contained the DEAD groundhog. I went home to discover a LIVE POSSUM. This was unexpected. I let him go back behind our fence (which is some kind of sewer run-off area). If you've never seen a possum run, I recommend the trapping/letting it go free.

Why would the groundhog have been dead? Well, we put some rat poison in the trap. The possum wisely opted for the apple slice and leafy green vegetables rather than the poison. Possums are crafty like that, I suppose. Now I'm kind of at a loss. I suppose we will try to trap it again and then (as my friend's dad euphemistically puts it) "teach it how to swim." (Honestly, I don't know if I can pull that off).

Ceasing groundhog talk . . . here is my view of undershirts:

I wear them, frequently. You see, I was once afflicted with sweating man's disease. The name is an accurate description of the symptoms. This being the case, I would often wear a super-powerful brand of antiperspirant call Mitchum. Mitchum is essentiall superglue and plaster of paris. This being the case, if you did NOT wear an undershirt, you would soon find most of your "outer" shirts stained and effectively ruined. So now, rightly or wrongly, I continue to wear undershirts with all most all my other shirts - excepting t-shirts (might wear something with t-shirts depending on the temp). Undershirts are fascinating!

some short sleeves are longer than others

So this guy I see on a regular basis always wears polo shirts that have shorter sleeves than his undershirt. It's curious. I don't have much to add to this. I didn't really think this post through to be honest. I was all, "Ok, I have the first sentence. And type."

I have about 800 pounds of leaves in my backyard. Right now I'm refusing to rake so I don't have to rake 20 times this fall. I also still have my groundhog. Should I keep him around for the whole shadow deal in February? Honestly, I'm not sure what to do with him. He is somewhere under the house, perhaps damaging it. Or maybe he provides additional insulation? Regardless, we have a trap. But, if we catch it, we're supposed to euthanize it. Hmm . . . I don't know if I have the bloodlust for that. (It's illegal to relocate them in case they have exotic gopher diseases that don't exist 5 miles from here). Remember Deliverance when John Voight was trying to ARROWED! the deer? That's how I'd be. Really. Could you choke out Punxsutawney Phil?

MAYBE, I could train the gopher to eat the leaves!! For seriously. I would love him forever if he did that. Sure we've got loads of acorns as well, but how about some delicious leaves? No? How about walking into this rectangular metal thingy?

and there's today and there's no spaces

Today I was putting my hockey equipment into the trunk of my car just as my neighbors were coming out of their garage. I should have just said, "Please excuse me whilst I stuff this body." The equipment bag is quite bulky, you see.

How was the game? Tiring. Dang. I was just filling in for an absent goalie and the team I was playing with was playing a team a division above them. The shots were coming fast and furiously. It was fun, but goal-y.

Then I come home to write this post via laptop and the stupid spacebar is not working. And I want to write more, but each word requires me to jam the spacebar 5 or 12 times. I don't have thenecessarymotivationtocontinue.ThereforeIamgoingtobed.GOODNIGHT!

BEEP BEEP BEEP!

I happened to look at my sitemeter. The stuff the people want is here (well, this is just an user video of what you want). It's also here which I mentioned elsewhere on this blog. The basic deal is that this band(?) takes classical music, modifies it and writes words for it. Do you remember that McDonald's commercial with words written for Fur Elise (redundant, right?)? Well, they might be onto something because I still remember the lines about the fries and her brother. Nice marketing there.

I'm way up the search engine results for this one because I coupled M00nlight S0nata and BEAP BEAP BEAP in separate posts. I misspell here because people are not wanting to accidentally come to this blog.

Since I'm just passing off content and not providing any kind of meaningful service. Have you seen this? Whenever I see the "making of" of a project like this I am both horrified and amazed. How does one become so meticulous? I mean, wow. I'd be a totally lazy animator. How did the fox get all the way over there? I'll tell you how. Self-teleportation. The fox is also trans-dimensional. Shut it kid.

miss me?

The post that the innertubes ate.

Whenever I'm gone, I always ask if you miss me. Of course, you probably didn't even realize I was gone. Well, I was. theMonica and I were in New England. We went to Hartford, Providence, Plymouth, Sandwich and Boston. I think that's it.

At any rate, the blog has been neglected as you see. Thanks to all the well-wishers. As I said to a friend the other day, "I have a blog that like 8 Canadian women read." For serious, what would I do without you? I don't think theMonica even reads this thing anymore. Heck - *I* don't read it. I mean, I guess technically I shouldn't have to, but I should PROOFread, right? I don't even do that! It's fantastic.

More to come on this on other topics in the near future. Or 2 weeks from now. You know how it is with me.

enter comments below

Netflix: Deliverance (1972)

So, if you're Bobby's (Ned Beatty) buddy, how long do you have to wait until you start telling squeal jokes? Like 6 months? Is that too soon? I know it's not funny, but it was written kind of funny what with all the "you look like a hog to me" and "purdy mouth" talking. Was it wrong for me to giggle? Yes, yes it was.

Anyway, banjo boy steals the show. Then a bunch of bad stuff happens, but the dueling banjos theme will stick with you for hours. Recommended!

great balls of fire

aka, "Hey, I hyper-extended my groin a little and have to play hockey tonight. Maybe I should put some icy hot on it. Great idea!

i'm drinking for 3

overheard

Keds make Converse All-Stars look like . . . [2 minute pause]
I don’t know; it’s too early to think of a good analogy.


Sic - simile!

stupider

I can’t spell words that have s’s and c’s in them. Not words with s’s and c’s individually like cat or sat, but where they’re neighbors or otherwise make the same noise – like license and obscene and condense. I am always wanting to add extra c’s or s’s or putting them where there wasn’t one to begin with.

This is part of a larger phenomenon. The phenomenon of getting dumber as I get older. I was working on something that I had done before - not EXACTLY the same thing (not that dumb yet) - but similar. I found the example and it kind of blew my mind that it worked. I thought, "Dang I was so much smarter last year." It was quite strange.

Eventually, I figured everything out and restored my lack of faith in myself.

vending machines

When did vending machine become so accepting of our wrinkled bills?

Remember back in the day when you had to go directly to the treasury and wait in line for freshly-printed ones, singly place them between pages of a "condensced" one-volume version of the Oxford English dictionary and transfer them to your desired vending machine via humidor within Brinks truck. And then, only then, the vending machine would accept your hard-earned cash? Of course, back then everything was 2 bits so you didn't have to worry about dollars so much.

But now you can put a snotty rag in that thing and it'll take it. It's amazing. It doesn't have to be perfectly smooth. You don't have to run your cash over the edge of a sharp corner to "iron" it pre-purchase. This is perhaps on of the most unheralded triumphs of technology in the past 100 years. A more accepting vending machine. It's glorious.

Of course, we wouldn't have this problem if we were more Canadian. We don't have loony and toonies or Lenny and Squiggys or whatever they're called. I'm not sure why. I would welcome a widely-used dollar coin with open palms. But alas, more folks prefer greenbacks and the stoic George Washington staring back at them.

hello winter

First of all, to all my facebook friends, I do not care about your farm. I don't believe you even have free-range chickens. How can I respect that? You probably grow tomatoes as well. I HATE tomatoes. I really have no interest in your farm unless you grow beer. I don't even know if that's possible, but if it is, I want 100 bushels sent via facebook instead of all these odd pictures that I never look at/can't understand.

Also, if theMonica comments on something on facebook and it's especially foul-mouthed (or hilarious?), it's probably me. She does not log out of the system! I am left to wonder, who is this person and when did I become their friend? I mean, we have a lot of friend overlap, BUT she is a lot more popular than I am. *sigh*. Speaking of theMonica, I have made her a smartass. She has always been funny and whatnot, but now she like burns me. It's weird. I can't really say anything because I'm forever teasing her, but like, whoah! I've fallen into the sarchasm!

Also, it is our anniversary tomorrow (well, in 10 minutes). Should I wake her with breakfast in bed? Since it's midnight, she's probably not hungry. At any rate, she's like the best wife ever. I mean, who can put up with my shenanigans and still want to remain married? Not that I am tying her shoes together or anything, but I know I can be annoying. Well, or so I've been told.

Also, the title - yes, it was like 50 degrees out today with HIGH WINDS. OK, the wind was blowing pretty gustily, but I don't need to here 20 different co-workers talking about it. I didn't see any cows flying around or anything. Get over it people.

Also, this is like the tenth paragraph I've started with also.

jack palance just got hispanic on your ass

I was watching The Professionals which I remembered seeing had Jack Palance in it. Why hadn't I seen him? Oh, right, he is playing the Jesus Raza character -- my bad.

These movies always interest me where they will have, you know, real, actual Mexicans in most of the parts, but then they'll put Jack Palance out in the sun for 3 days straight so he can play a Mexican. Was Hollywood really so bereft of Mexican acting talent in 1966? Surely there was already a huge immigrant population. Couldn't they tapped into that market?

Strange choices, but it's the kind of thing you'll see all the time in "old" movies. Old movies, who am I kidding? It wasn't so long ago Fisher Stevens was rockin' the "brown face" for Short Circuit. I mean, you couldn't find another HUMAN that's as funny as Fisher Stevens, let alone an actual Indian guy.

At any rate, Jack gets the girl. She probably wasn't really Mexican herself and wasn't married to the old white dude at all! It's all lies with these Hollywood types!

Burt Lancaster was awesome - per usual.

sleep deeply my bee friends, sleep . . . DEAD!

I just unloaded 3/4trs of a can of bee killer on a nest of bees I believe lives in a bush out in front of our house. I don't know what they did, but they constructed some sort of super-city well within our midst. But now, they are dead (if I am to believe the can from which the kill spray spewed).

This is not really blog-worthy, but that picture of the lady had to be freaking everyone out - especially all my potential new readers. I mean, I'm not sure that I'm ready for new readers. I already bear an awesome responsibility which I can hardly manage. But I don't want to alienate people outright. Ha - get it? Alienate, with an alien picture. Damn! You can't write that stuff.

something wicked this way comes

Some co-workers and I were at the mall food court today and saw a sight of which has never been seen - at least by any of us. Worse still, once seen, you can't "unsee" something. It's there forever, haunting you.

I should say, before going on, that this isn't my usual kind of thing to write about. No, normally, I would let something like this go without a word. But I figured since you might be seeing this on NatGeo after the girl who cries blood, that you might want a heads up.

Please take a moment to consider . . .

Neverminding the alien-type head (which LOL'ed me when I drew it), the ziggy hand and my the police sketch artist's general lack of ability to convey things via picture, that bitmap pretty much accurately represents what we saw. A lady with a ginormous chest and a greater inability to find supportive undergarments. I think. I mean, it was just the oddest thing. Maybe she blew her bra out? I am at a loss.

Her shirt was low cut as well, because, you know, let it all hang out. And we are OMGing all over the place. Then we see that she has sat down with 2 business men (?) looking dudes in suits. And on the way out, we notice that they are very intensely discussing something. Man, I would have given 5 dollars to listen in on that conversation.

dissuade is a word

I remember in college I was doing a stupid business-course-based group project (EVERY business course had a group project. It was annoying to no end. Invariably you wanted to get hooked-up with the "older" student. This chick was annoying, no doubt, but she was sure to overwork/co-ordinate and, if you were lucky, bake cookies.) For this particular project we had to write something up, specifically I had to write something up. In this something, I used the word "dissuade." (I shouldn't even quote it because it's a real f##king word!) This one kid is reading it and goes, "What's a dissuade? Is that when you make fun of someone's jacket?" "No. It's dissuade, you know, like reverse persuade."

Now I am not a man of hubris. If you question something that I believe to be true and you're REALLY convinced, you can sow a lot of doubt in my mind (we're talking movie quotes/trivia stuff, not grand philosophies of life). I couldn't help but pause. "Did I just invent a super-cool new word using a commonly used prefix and root? I should think someone had invented this word already, seeing as how it's so convenient." I also began to question my very enrollment in a business major in the first place - it being the most technical business major notwithstanding.

He thought we should remove this esoteric and abstruse word. I declined, though promised to review. Needless to say I remained un-dissuaded.

you give me beaver!

Beaver when you kiss me - Beaver in the afternoon ... BEAVER!

Ok, so maybe it's not a beaver, but there is definitely a critter living at/below our house. I believe it is technically a groundhog. And let me tell you, that f#cker has burrowed right up against our house, all snug like, and he is eating insulation and shit.

At first, it was all fun and games. I was running around our porch/sun room with our camera, trying to get a picture of the little guy. Then, all the sudden, "Hey, what's he doing over by the foundation?" I mean, for serious, why is he over there? HEY, HE JUST BURROWED INTO THE GROUND! SON OF A - ! Honestly, who does he think he is? Could he not see his shadow? This was all very disconcerting. I do not want varmints living at/in my home and he's a big SOB. He could do some damage, you know? I thought he was all living under the shed, which I was cool with - no doubt. That's fair game. Only my mowers live in there, not human peoples. But no. He had to go and break the sanctity of a human abode and thereby insult me.

Fine. Now I will be upset and listen to Husker Du. You win beaver . . . or do you?

workins'!

Summer is starting to leave us. It's still warm - very lovely today - but I know what the morrow brings. The morrow brings tons and tons of leaves dumped on my beautiful, grassless yard. And the morrow after morrow brings tons and tons of pure, white snow unto my cracked, crumbling driveway. Do you know what the street value of my property will be?

At any given time I have 8 to 10 tabs on my firefox open to articles I am "going to read" or "am reading". But, it's tough. I'm at work staring at a computer for 8 hours a day at a minimum, so when I come home, I'd rather watch some tv or something. Wait, that's the same thing without a keyboard. I'd rather watch a movie . . . no. I'd rather go backpacking through the Alps. Ok, that should be a big enough divergent. But truthfully, I usually come home and cut up some sticks and then read a little or watch the Indians lose or pop in a netflix (sorry to you that found me via a "sex in netflix" search; I have no insight on the matter).

What's now for me? Well, I'm back in training. I've decided that I eat entirely too much junk. I don't want to get rid of all the junk from my diet, that's no fun. But I figure if I can cut it by about 50% I'll be better off for the effort. I have also been drinking less. This is entirely a function of getting older/friends having babies/fewer social engagements. I always figured this would happen and it's all well and good. I'm getting too old for slugging 'em back 3 days a week. That said, I think I'm taking Friday off because my Steelers are opening the season Thursday night. How's that for avoiding temptation?

So, blog vote. Do these meandering pointless-ish posts do anything for you? Are you waiting for the punchline? Sometimes the writing of the thing is the thing. Especially when the resulting thing kind of sucks. I'll get 'em next time.

MATEWAN!

I was in bed this morning have dreams about that movie, but unable to think of its name. I kept wanting to call it Manhattan. Hmmm, I don't think Woody Allen could handle all the violence inherent in a strike-busting scenario. I mean, he's creepy and all, but the hardened coal-miner type would probably just kick his ass - and rightfully so.

At any rate, did I tell you another tree fell down? It was split in half when the first tree fell. Did I tell you about that? I believe I did not . . . here you go:

Now, trees falling NOT on your house are 24k gold - do not get me wrong. But it kind of sucks when you have to cut it into four foot sections and bundle those sections and then put them on your treelawn. I suppose I could have rented a wood-chipper, but after the unfortunate incident I'm afraid of them (seeing Fargo).

At any rate, when that bad boy went down a tree further in the back of the yard went in half. It gamely held on for a few weeks and then crashed on the fence - denting it nicely. And then I had to cut and bundle that bastard. Ah yes people, buy a home, a home with a lot of trees - immediately!

i have 3 followers

The revolution begins tomorrow . . . you know what I'm talking about. It will be blogged, but I am going to write in generalities so as not to reveal my plans.

Well, I had a roller hockey game tonight (technically last night). We won. So there. I fell though once, unassisted, just kind of slipped. It is . . . moist on that sportcourt stuff. As the humidity builds, your wheels get kind of slick. And boom, there I go as the breakaway finishes. Yes, he scored. I only mention this because I wretched my back. And I only mention that because I want to complain about getting old and how you can fall and hurt yourself pretty much at any time. Like, I just fell out of my chair and broke my hip. Fantastic.

Anyway, I am all over Amazon's MP3 Daily Deal. I have gotten a bunch of albums I now really like for 2 to 4 dollars. I was going to make a bunch more links - you know like the WHOLE sentence was going to be a series of links, it was going to be CRAZY - but I know you don't really care. If you do, White Rabbits (uh, ok), Police - Synchronicity (comes in handy for Rock Band), Neko Case, Fleet Foxes . . . all things I wouldn't have bought had they not been inexpensive. I guess this is why everyone hearted Napster. Oh, now I get it. At any rate, go type that stuff into a search engine yourself. I need to go to beds.

NEWSFLASH!

TO: Rob Thomas
RE: Do you think you are David Bowie?

Because you are not David Bowie, unless you got a massive awesomeness injection and that shit's more expensive than botox.

save everything - twice

Well, I've been all panty-twisted tonight trying to find my super-secret, ultra-fun fantasy football draft spreadsheet. This spreadsheet is directly responsible for in-excess of 1% of any winnings I've ever had playing fantasy football, meaning it's netted me about 5 dollars.

But, the spreadsheet, she is comforting. She also took a really long time to develop and will fill out a person's team as it goes, on a separate "teams" sheet. If you do any work with excel, you can appreciate that it did not take five minutes. In fact, it took a lot of man hours, no doubt. And no doubt, my company would be very upset if I were to lose all that work, because, truth be told, I did a lot of the "development" at the office one year. I figured, hey, it's like work, right. It actually was and I learned a lot about excel. Unfortunately, I have yet to apply any of that new-found knowledge. Oh well.

At any rate, my yahoo email account saved the day. I had a version of it in the way-back sent folder. And much gnashing of teeth subsided. The moral of the story is, save everything. Times 10. Storage is cheaper by the day and losing stuff is annoying and costly to recreate.