She's a girl!

(Lincoln was not amused.) My only excuse is I have 2 kids, yo. And school's back in session. *AND* I'm working on a big rah-rah project at work. My apologies to my Canadians. Though you may have seen this via facebook wizardry which I have yet to grasp. Mom, baby, big brother and dad are all well.

Jimmy Stewart is totally German.

I'm watching The Mortal Storm. Spoiler alert - Nazis are bad. Hitler has just taken the Chancellorship and Stewart is not on board. I love me some Jimmy Stewart, but he plays Aryan with the same "aw shucks" midwestern sensibility that made his career. At any rate, it's an interesting juxtaposition. Snugglebears is still in utero. Although the last couple of nights, it looks like SB is trying to escape from the inside. Don't worry. I will keep you posted. For now, "Well now . . . I don't think I can heil, there, you know?"

2-month hiatus

Wow. How have you survived without me? I know it must have been difficult. The night-terrors, the shakes, the sense of longing and loneliness. For all this you can blame, Cuddlebunnies 2: No more Mr. Nice Guy and Intro to Discrete Mathematics.

CB2 is still stowed safely away in theMomica's lady business, but preparations for said bunny continue at a frenzied pace. I had to update BR4* to make it a livable room for LL. He *loves* it because it's blue and blue is his favorite color. It is also the only answer he'll give if you ask him what color something is. What color is this orange? BLUE! Silly monkey. Although he has started saying yellow as well. He usually will ammend his answers to the correct ones, but there's a 95% chance everything's blue out of the gate.

And then there's homework. And actually it's been going really well, so I can't complain that the time invested has been wasted. But it has separated me from you and for that, I weep. Not like tears or anything, it's a mapley syrup. I have been eating too many sweets.

Thus, for the 50th consecutive post, I promise I will not post more. CB-to-the-2 is due on 12/30, so shit's about to get real yo. I will drop yet another notch down the power rankings and be forced to change more diapers. Oh the humanity.

not to get all political

But wow. Don't go putting "onerous demands" on people in Alberta. Yikes.

RS2 is my favorite.

(Excepting the hour when RS4 is taking my car into the shop.)

I mean, I figured that went without saying.

Oh, want to go down to my football game tomorrow? Lincoln might want cousins there . . . not sure how entertained he'll be by watching me hyperventilate from being like 40 pounds over weight right now. But man, was that a good cookie.

wtf? write your own blog

Ok, so I know I've been horribly negligent. I can honestly say that I've been spending lots of my free time working on Discrete Math. (Bron - it's still won't make out with me!) Does anyone still come here? I mean, I rarely do.

Anyway, as I've recounted in this space, I wasn't much of a student last time around. I think I defined my own personal "old college try" and Ky earned like 500,000 bonus points for processing that correctly. Ky is like the most likely person to get my obscure rambling jokes. I'm not sure what this means, other than we are disturbing in a similar fashion. I digress . . . well, I disgressed, I plan on stopping now.

I told Janny that "math is hard." Barbie wasn't f#cking kidding. I mean, I know there was a big stink about it, but it's not like she said "Addition is hard" or "Addition of small integers is hard." Who knows what kind of maths Barbie had her hands in? Also, the algebra, it is rusty. As a computer guy working on business systems, I'm constantly using your basic 8x + 4 = 84 kind of stuff, but beyond that, I have to constantly remind myself if a = b and therefore = c??

The last 800 words were one way of saying that I've been doing schoolwork, like a good boy. I am as studious as Alan! (Ok, I think I have mentioned every person who may at some point read this.) It's be depressing if I had the numbers in front of me, but I've probably spent more time on this class than I did in whole semesters of college. This is a gross overstatement, but true enough in spirit. False, but accurate, eh?

So I just bought Cease to Begin off Amazon and am cloud playing it. It is not as awesome as I remember it. My memory had an awesomeness inflation factor of 3. Maybe I am just bitter that I paid 10 bucks for it. Stupid cloud.

Anyway, I still heart you times 2n + 1.

playa!

i'm glad noone saw me air guitar at work

You know Ole Mullholland by Frank Black? Teenager of the Year? Yes? Anyway, there's a part after Mullholland says "There it is. Take it." (and presumably before the St. Francis Dam Disaster) where there's a little guitar riff. I actually caught myself air guitaring it . . . to myself. It was strange as I don't know how to guitar, air or otherwise. Oh well.

"The concrete of the aqueduct will last as long as the pyramid of Egypt or the Parthenon of Athens; long after Job Harriman is elected major of Los Angeles!"

Frank Black not only entertains, but he also teaches.

So, get you some Ole Mullholland, St. Francis Dam Disaster and Llano Del Rio off of your amazon mp3 machine and enjoy some history whilst you rock out!

It doesn't cost a dime to be nice, but it's $154.49 for courtesy.

So, I just got off the phone with AT&T.

I called them with a simple idea. They charge me too much for cable/internet/TV. I know this because if you are a "new" customer you can get their service for like 8 cents a month. Ok, I'm aware that's a loss leader and they make up the money 6/12 months later when your promo prices expire, but the very little you're paying means that the true price is somewhere far below my 154.

This is the game they force us to play. I called and I said, "Hi AT&T person, isn't it silly that all you companies charge 8 cents a month for new customers and then when you have a customer like me, long-time bill payer, good-looking skylarker and whatnot, you hold me over the coals until I switch to BU&U service? How about this time, you give me a lower *fixed* rate and then I won't have to switch and you'll still get my money?"

The first guy I talked to found this irrefutable and put me through to a "specialist." The specialist's job is to argue that AT&T is a really nice company and does a lot of things as a courtesy. If you are curious, in the AT&T vernacular, a courtesy is when you don't charge more for something. "We don't charge you for the DVR box as a courtesy." WTF does that exactly mean? I am passing along 155 of my hard-earned female deer to this company and they claim things are a courtesy. That's like me saying, I use the phone for 10 minutes a month* "as a courtesy." "I know I could use it more and your phone lines would burn down as my dulcet tones whipped across our great land, but I don't want that to happen. Instead, as a courtesy, I don't do that. I never use the phone and as a courtesy to me, you charge me 30 bucks a month." With friends like AT&T . . .

I emphasized my point. AT&T has no great feature preventing me from switching. I don't use the whole world DVR streaming to my brain or whatever it is, so, no plus there. AT&T is actually a detriment to me because I can't splice a line to watch local/basic cable like I can with "cable". Instead, when I have a Super Bowl party I have to snake rabbit ears out to my porch in the driving snow. To me, it's a commodity, like milk. I said, if I can get 12 months of service for half the price, even if it's just for a year why wouldn't I do that? Even if I have to switch every year. She said she didn't understand why people did that. I said, that I had just explained that it was cheaper and while inconvenient, it wasn't splinters-under-fingernails inconvenient. She said we had a different way of looking at things (I can only assume mine is the correct way to look at things).

She continued to tell me that she lived in a rural area where SHE COULDN'T GET UVERSE. (Can you imagine the discourtesies?) And she's had the same provider for years and never called to see if she could get her rates lowered. It was the strangest thing. It was like she was trying to make me feel guilty for not being a dumbass. What with all the talk of "courtesies" and her unending devotion to her rural tv/isp.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Don't pay for tv/phone. Just get an internet (why is blogger underlining internet as a spelling error?) connection and do everything through that. I would. I so would. But the rub is sports. It's like 80% of what I watch. (The other 20% is typically TCM.) Sports means you can't get the "basic" package. It also means you can't really ditch the TV portion. Sure some things stream, but streaming is a fickle mistress which I'm not prepared to rely on.

It was an odd conversation. She didn't seem to understand the premise that I would like to keep more of my money for myself. In the end, I got $20 off per month . . . for 6 months. So now I'm off to look into Time Warner's and WOW's promotional offers. And the dance continues.

* This is literally true. Well, 11 minutes last month. I told her that I spent more time waiting on hold than what I've used the phone all year - an exaggeration, but not by much.

my new jersey

I need this here to put somewhere else. Know what I mean? Anyway, only like 4% of my good ship reader will get this.

Oh - I forgot to tell you (8 other people I know)

back to school

And unlike Rodney, I need to do well. And I'm scared.

I am taking a class at a college, for like a grade and stuff. If you're keeping score at home, I am now 35. For a while now, I've been thinking about going back, because I'm interested and because my work has a generous reimbursement program. (Well, provided I get B or above, which is the scary part.)

I haven't been in a classroom since 1999. It is a "maths" class as the kids call it these days. It's not Teacher Lady math, it's like math for dummies. Intro to Discrete Mathematics.

I will eventually decide if I want to try to get a masters in computer information systems. That's a long way away since I undergrad-ed in MIS, which was computers for dummies (going into businessy things). So I have a bunch of pre-reqs, the first of which is the intro math course.

I have to go now. I just got the book (where were for-real used textbooks when I was in school? 30 bucks instead of 125) nd I need to commit it to memory before the 27th.

Family Hedge Trimming Power Rankings

As measured by the number of times each member has rendered extension cord inoperable cutting with said hedge trimmers.

theMomica	1
Roger	1
Lincoln	0

Tie breaker was that Monica tripped the breaker and I lost power in the midst of a hilarious facebook comment.

Happy Birthday Roger! World's Best at Everything

(Or, what you get when you make me buy my own ice cream cake.)

tiny moustache

I am wearing a tiny moustache (why do I think there is an o in moustache?) on the corner of my lip. You see, my m(o)ustache hair is blonde and that makes it tough to shave. Not that my hair rips the blades of my razor to shreds or anything like that, but instead since it's so pale, I have a hard time seeing if I missed a spot. Once the shaving cream has been moved, I can't really tell where else to shave.

Post-shaving I will often find myself sporting a tiny, tiny mustache on the corner or my upper lip. On the scale of world problems, this has got to be top 10 - I'm guessing somewhere near the Greek financial crisis (can't you people sell more gyros??!).

So, I am busy with baby. That's a good band/movie name right there. Busy with Baby. Feel free to use it when you start you nice alt-rock band. When that happens, be sure to sell you mp3 albums for 3 bucks. This, to me, is the sweet-spot price for new, promising music. If you're "unique ear" approved, then you may charge up to 5 dollars. But anything more than that is usury!

That is all.

a crushing blow (to my foot)

So I did a dumb thing. I put my foot under my garage door. I thought all garage door openers had the "hey I don't want to crush stuff" safety mechanism. Now, the experience reminded me that I need to install the laser-finder dealie so it doesn't crush something more valuable.

Why did I do this? I don't remember. I needed something in the garage (probably weed killer), but closed it prematurely. Then I started this post in a tab in my browser and then didn't finish it - UNTIL NOW!

Of course, now I'm at a loss for what sweetness I was going to put in this little nested rectangle here. Let's reflect on that for a moment.

In other news, Lincoln said "shoe." Add it to the list of many, many words he's said one time nary to repeat. Listen closely cuz he's only going to say this once.

Canada or bust.

I will be in Toronto next week for our big hockey tourney. All of my Canadians are western Canadians, eh? Do you have a name for eastern Canadians? (Other than hoser.)

While it should be fun, I will be playing for 2 teams at the tourney. My second team's goalie got injured early in the year and I was called on to replace him.

I love playing goalie. I always have lots of fun and it's challenging and all that, but I am 34.83 years old. If both teams make the next round, I will be playing like 8+ games in 3 days.

Can one of you come and pretend to be me for a few games? You can let in as many goals as you want.

crackity jones

You know you're almost 35 when you are afraid to check on the baby because all your joints clickity-clack. Although, truth be told, I've always had cracky joints. I'm not sure why. I think I should eat shark marrow or something. Anyway, I was thinking of this when I went to reblanket sleeping Lincoln.

So, I just want to publicly call out BS on 2 billion people watching the Royal Wedding (so many horse faces! Many on horses!). That's like 2/7ths the world's population, yo. If you discount India and China because wtf do they care, that's like 2/5ths+ the world's population (India, being formerly "Britishish" may care, but I'm assuming many have no TV). There's just no way.

Now I know my Canadians were watching (and one was THERE!), but they are Canadian and have to do whatever the queen says so far as I understand. Many moons ago she dictated that all Canadians be super-good hockey players and so it was written and so it has been done. She is wise, that queen.

There is also a rumor going around that Prince WhyTheLongFace I will not be king. (It goes something like William is calling skipsies on Charles.) This is false, yes? He would have to abdicate first, no? I think this was started by the rampant popularity of The King's Speech. That or Ryan Seacrest. He is everywhere!

overheard . . .

lady1: You should button your shirt.
lady2: Why?
lady1: Because you can see right through it.

Why else would someone tell you this?

Netflix: eat pray love (2010)

For when you need to muster the rage to murder someone.

Dear Regina

One of my new faves, Andrew Bird, is coming to your town to make sweet, sweet love to you via musical entropy. I have no idea what I'm saying. At any rate, he is going to something called the Regina Folk Festival. Now, my feed reader for Andrew Bird is a constant disappointment as it never says CLEVELAND. For Lincoln's father's sake couldn't we get a band I like to come here, posthaste (ok, New Pornographers are, but somebody else). Hell - I'd even take the Happy Monster Band appearing in a drunken hallucination. So, I do not trust it and I am suspicious when it says a pass for said folk fest is 89 dollars . . . ? (. . . ? ='s this is a fact that I refuse to believe is true). Maybe with your 90 large you get a haircut from Andrew Bird. I don't know. Sorry I can't help.

I have been bad about writing. I'm not sure why. I still mentally construct posts, but then I don't write them. Oh, I have constructed a more solid back-up strategy, the finishing touches of which I have been applying. And that has required some time at the old terminal here. I am now secure-shelling into my parent's computer and storing things there. They have no idea! I swear, if any of you mad math geniuses try to hack into my parents' computer, I won't be pleased (*cough* Janny *uncough*). Anyway, I think I might add some Amazon s3 storage for most-critical data and call it a strategy. You're welcome.

i thought everyone knew

Being drunk is the gateway to liking the taste of alcohol. If it's the other way around, that's when you run the risk of having a real problem.

overheard . . .

As I moshanced all alone to “Where is My Mind?” in a crowded bar:

theMomica: You’re doing it. You’re being “that guy.”
me: Better than being married to him.

The Big 0-1

Happy Birthday to my baby boy Lincoln. He is 1 today (provided I get this in before midnight).

The first thing you did when you were born was make me cry. So far, off to a bad start. But, it's been a lot of fun since then and here's to 100 more of the same.

Love,
Dad

Blogger's going to be around forever, right?

if faces could talk*

Silent movies can be difficult to watch. They don't have enough fps; they can be kind of silly and some random 2 people will fall in love within 8 seconds of meeting. Over time, you're expectations morph to accommodate the nuances.

That said I love to watch the actors' !!!!!*F*A*C*E*S*!!!!! They sometimes make these HUGE expressions in the comforting knowledge that even those kids in the cheap seats will be able to discern the emotion. Of course, they are on camera. The effort is lost. But hey, I still appreciate it. But not as much as I appreciate the first director who said, "Hey. You can stop doing that with your face."

* Dick Enberg said this on a football telecast once. It was the end of the game and (I think) the Denver Broncos were about to suffer a crushing defeat (?). They showed a lineman on the sideline sporting frowny face and Dick says, “If faces could talk.” Now, I don’t know about you, but my face can talk – especially the mouth part of my face. The rest of my face says, “HANDSOME!” I think he meant to say something like, “If these faces were micced and were talking right now . . .”? I’m not sure. He might have had early onset of senility. (This was before he was old enough to legitimately be saying that kind of stuff.)