Dear downstairs neighbor lady (sans festering sores - AFAIK),

I'm sure leaving open cans of tuna on our porch for "under-porch" kitty will reserve for you a special place in cat-lover heaven. However, while UPK is a very nice kitty indeed, it is unlikely that mangy-angry kitty or smelly-worm-infested kitty or rabid-mouth-foaming-bitey kitty will respect UPK's exclusive rights to said tuna. In fact, it is quite likely that a psychopathic transient is, right now, feasting on your hard-earned foodstuffs (or the remains of UPK).

With all this in mind and with a desire to avoid 80 to 100 cats panhandling in front of our home, please desist leaving food out on the porch. If you want to take UPK into your home, so be it. You can even name him Uppky. But please - for the love of Sheba - don't leave your eats on the porch.

Sincerely,
Me