Today in Jurisprudence History

Jackson Attempts Delaying Trial Citing Numerous “Ailments”

Santa Maria, California
In a shocking twist today, Michael Jackson has motioned a Californian court that his trial be delayed indefinitely on the grounds that he’s “completely fucked up”. Jackson delayed jury selection on Tuesday when he was unable to attend court because of “flu-like” symptoms. As Jackson put it, “My tummy hurted.”

While in the hospital receiving treatment, the King of Pop decided that, on the whole, he is completely incapable of being in court or facing any trial. When asked to elaborate, Jackson cited a number of personal curiosities which all cumulated into making him “completely fucked up”.

“I can’t stand trial! Look at my freaking face. Clearly, I am completely fucked up and it's wrong to force someone in my condition to stand before a court of law.” Jackson then held up a photo with a side-by-side of himself as a young boy and a recent photo featuring him at a previous trial. “Someone whose face got this messed up is unfit to stand trial. It’s not fair. The government should be paying to put me on Extreme Makeover, not deciding whether or not I'm going to jail. Seriously, 80% of the time I’m wearing a mask! What’s that all about? I don't live in the old west. I’m not the Lone Ranger. I don’t hang out with Tonto, although I do have his eyes in a jar. See! What could be more fucked up than that? It’s just not right.”

Jackson continued to explain why he was incapable of showing up for court. “Did you people know that I once had a pet monkey? And I loved that monkey more than any of the people that I knew. What regular person loves a monkey more than his own family?” He was then asked if this was part of a ploy to delay the trial once again as he successfully did earlier in the week. “No, this is not a ploy. Do you know what made me vomit? Thinking about how fucked up I am. I am constantly having slumber parties with small boys at Never-freakin-Land ranch and then I make them sleep in my bed in Tarzan outfits! Wait, can you take that last part out?”

LaToya Jackson, in town to support her brother, immediately came to his defense. “The fact that I have no means to support myself in no way affects my ability to speak honestly about my brother. I’ve always known Michael is unfit to stand trial at this, or any other, time. Hasn’t anyone mentioned that he calls one of his children BLANKET? How fucked up is that? Isn't the trial supposed to be heard by a jury of his peers? What kind of peers can you assemble for him? Elephant Man, maybe Tatu - God rest his soul, JoJo the dog-faced boy? That’s only 3 people. I don't know any other child star that was really cute as a child and then became grossly disfigured as an adult . . . except maybe Macaulay Culkin. Really, no one else could possibly understand and appreciate Michael.”

Presiding Judge Rodney Melville, when apprised of the singer's newest claim said, "Believe me, I've seen the guy and he freaks me out. I know first-hand that the dude is criminally wack. Unfortunately, there is no precedent for a condition of this kind delaying a trial. Being totally fucked up does not spare Mr. Jackson the diamond-encrusted-gloved hand of justice.”