a baby story

Monday (3/1) theMonica and I went to the doc to have a consultation. The situation was that the week prior the ultrasound machine was estimating the baby at 9.5 lbs. 9.5 lbs + past due date is a red flag in the world of baby doctors. On the plus side, theMonica was 2 cm dilated and her cervix was “ripe,” meaning it was thinned out. (Good band name for you, for free, Ripened Cervix; you’re welcome!). We knew this going in and over the preceding weekend theMonica decided to be induced rather than schedule a c-section. Frankly, it had been a toss-up.

Monday at 9 pm we get to the Birthing Center and proceed to watch about 20 minutes of the Cavs game in the waiting room lobby. Yah, it’s a hospital, so you can’t just go and do something when, you know, you’re supposed to. We checked into our room and got theMonica all situated. Soon after the pitocin was administered and theMonica’s water was broken. Then . . . contractions.

Apparently, contractions aren’t fun. Nope, no fun at all. I felt great. Really excited and pain free! theMonica was not bah-da-da-bah-bah lovin’ it though. On the happy to horribly grimaced face scale, she was about a severely grimaced. The anesthesiologist put in the epidural to alleviate that and it was time to watch some comedy central! Well, you know, after our “nap.” (How exactly you’re expected to nap during this, I’m not sure.) This was about 3 am-ish. By about, 5 am, theMonica got a second loading dose of painkiller, but it wasn’t as effective as the first go-round. The NEXT go-round was even less so. Finally, theMonica asked for some more of the good stuff. I was a little worried that the baby would come out smoking a tiny baby joint or something. Not really, I wanted her to feel better, but the baby was almost ready to bust out and they wanted her to be able to feel when to push. All of this is well and good, but your wife's in pain - lots and lots of pain. And boy is it a powerless feeling watching her go through those labor pains. Surely, I did my best. I was using all my “A” comedic material in there. I told her to picture babies effortlessly flying out of v-jays. Focus on that. But really, I doubt she heard anything that I was saying. I just kept telling her to breathe deep. Stay the course! Go the distance!

FINALLY, (12+ hours later) the baby was “in position”. And theMonica began to push. Now, don’t get me wrong; I was nervous I wouldn’t be able to watch a baby coming out of theMonica’s lady bits. I hadn't eaten in a long time and I was feeling a little light-headed to begin with. But I’ll be damned if it wasn’t the coolest thing ever. After one pushing contraction, I could already see part of the baby’s head. The nurses were telling theMonica how great she was doing. I thought they were just saying that because they were nice, but eventually they told her she might want to lay off so the baby didn’t get there before her doctor did. That's when I started to get excited.

Eventually her doctor strolls in and is all pumped with how great everything is going. theMonica’s looking at me like, “What have we gotten ourselves into?” And I’m all like, “Dude, there’s a baby’s head right there,” and pointing at her nether-regions. And yah, it’s the baby’s head, but like unbeknownst to you like only one-eighth of it. But you’re thinking, “Oh, there’s the head,” and the doctor starts pulling and you go, “OH! THERE’S the head. Dang!” The nurse quickly suctioned and as the doc pulled the baby some more and his lungs cleared I heard the most soothing sound ever in my life - our baby wailing. Then the doctor informed us that *he* has testicles. It’s a boy!

L
3/2/10, 9:53 a.m.
8lbs. 14oz, 20 inches

Baby and theMommy are doing well. Dad is freaking out. No, I’m all right. But, I did outcry the baby and theMonica combined through the first 24 hours. Take that rest of family!