like the red phone, but only more secure

Soooooo, I finally got a cellphone. Kind of. As promised, I've half-armed it (too lazy to half-ass it). I did a bunch of research and determined that Verizon had the "best" deal. None of them really have the best deal due to balances expiring, phone numbers disappearing, etc. But if you put 1 honey in your Verizon account, the phone is good for a year.

Anyway, I hate the thing already as it was surreptitiously trying to take photos inside my pants. I kid you not. I sat down in my chair and I hear the synthetic picture noise. I had had the thing for about 12 hours and it was already trying to exploit/blackmail me. Scandalous!

Besides that, the whole thing is a racket. You have to choose a "plan." I think these plans are designed for those who might have trouble getting a phone otherwise. They're structured to chew through your balance, rather than provide a service to someone whose wife is pregnant and doesn't really plan on using it too much. (What about me??!) Eventually, I picked a plan which costs a dollar per day (when the phone is used). After that buck it's like 10 cents a minute and 20 cents a text. Pictures from inside my pockets . . . priceless. BUT it has unlimited mobile-to-mobile with other Verizon phones. If you have a verizon phone, call me and we can chat!

But, there's a hitch. I activated the phone last night and guess what happened? 3 telemarketer calls in the first 24 hours. Only theMonica has the number - literally. I was amazed. Verizon has to be revealing this info, yes? I called Verizon to complain and they claimed to have no idea how it could happen. The rep suggested I only allow incoming calls from my "contacts." My contacts? Is she talking about my wallet phone list*?? How do I interface that with a cellular phone? No, the contacts are IN the phone. And if someone calls that isn't in the phone, I will not receive the call. (I wouldn't even be able to receive calls from Verizon! GASP!)

Eventually, I added theMonica as my only contact and restricted incoming calls to her. Should there be an international incident, I hope the Russians are able to reach me.

* The wallet phone list is exactly what it sounds like: a piece of paper expertly crafted on Microsoft Word to contain names and numbers of friends and loved ones. My joke has always been that it was my cellphone. See, now I don't have that joke anymore. There's 4 years of writing down the drain.