the thing about wearing funky pants is . . .

They're funky and people will take notice. But, since people are taking notice, you can't wear them 3 times a week. Well, you can wear them 3 times a week, but probably most people will notice and harbor secret disgust at how frequently you wear your funky pants.

tide to-go pens . . .

if only thing they could wipe away the shame.

hey dictionaries - thanks for the heads-up.

This probably wasn't much of an issue before on-line type dictionaries, but I find it annoying if I'm looking up a word, let's say insolence and the definition is: the quality or state of being insolent. Yah, I was able to piece that part of the puzzle together.

so one cat says to the other . . . .

cat1: You gave birth to like 20 cats!
cat2: Litterally.

And I have just invented the dumbest joke you've ever heard. It's so bad you can't even say it. Oh, you are welcome.

Best. Family. Ever!

Yesterday I went to my iDoc and got my pupils dilated. This appointment was in preparation for the LASER vision I'm having installed in ROGER 32.6 (coming January 7th! I think I just violated my own HIPAA rights). Anyone who's had this done knows that it's an annoying experience. It makes your eyes mega-sensitive to light and kind of blurs the vision. But you're good to drive home - totally - provided there are no deer or humans crossing the streets and whatnot.

So it is understandable that when I got home, I couldn't tell for sure if my tree lawn (by buddy Dan calls the tree lawn the devil's cooter or something? Something totally bizarre. Even more bizarre, my TREE lawn is the only part of my yard that doesn't have a tree. It has a mailbox and god bless it, I love that mailbox as it doesn't dump 40 mulch-yards of leaves every third day all over hell's half-acre. And for the completely bizarre, bizarre has 2 Rs and one Z? It should be 2 Zs and one R, but not right next to each other) - now see, the problem I have with parenthetical is that it was like 15 minutes ago that you read the part of the sentence that's pre-parenthetical. Who can remember that long ago? A refresher: My buddy Dan makes up names for shit and pretends like it's some old Italian thing. He calls his car his "go-go" machine and says his great-great-grandpa invented the first quadricycle and that's what he named it. I'm on to you Dan. At any rate, I had the blurred vision, it was kind of dark, but it looked like more leaves on Lucifer's Soul Patch or whatever than when I had left for work. But I feared my eyes were playing tricks on me.

The true test was checking out the back yard and . . . IT WAS LEAFLESS!! Glorious! As it turns out, the leaf fairy came and whisked away all my leaves. It was magical! And in exhange she put one million dollars under my pillow. Win-win! Ok, it wasn't really the leaf fairy. It was RD, RM and RS2 . . . and apparently my sublings also helped by running around the house and generally distracting them from the job at hand. I was happy to see all my complaining finally come to fruition in the form of somebody else solving the problem for me. Yay! But seriously, thanks RS2!

thanks for nothing

Well, I am NOT your new president. (Or did the Canadians orchestrate a coup in my name last night? No? Ok.) Thanks a lot team. I was running an olden times campaign where I didn't, well, campaign and I relied on my proxies to go out and win me the election. I see you have failed me.

Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever been elected to anything. In the 6th grade, I did win the Cougar Award for the basketball team. I guess you'd call it the "spirit" award. It basically meant that you hustled and stuff despite not being very talented. I think the coach - and not my peers - gave me that, more of an appointment than an election. And I think he gave it to me because I knew how to jump rope. That was one of his conditioning drills. He thought it was awesome that I could jump rope. Why did he think it was awesome? I have no idea, but I have 4 sisters and it's one of those things you kind of pick-up by being around.

Still can't hula-hoop though. That's, you know, for kids.