TALKING HEAD WANTED: APPLY WITHIN

WMMH - Cleveland is seeking a weather person for their weekend broadcasts. All applicants welcome.

POSITION:

Applicant will be in charge of developing and delivering weekday weather broadcasts.

QUALIFICATIONS/SKILLS:

Applicant should be: 1. literate, 2. able to use garage door opener to pretend as if controlling blue-screen images and 3. able to point and trace along blue-screen while unable to see what’s being pointed to/at.

EXPECTATIONS/DUTIES:

Applicant must have some basic knowledge of the weather (i.e. names of seasons, sunny vs. cloudy, etc).

Applicant must have bleached teeth, winning smile, largish hair, charm and good enunciation.

Applicant must be overly serious or goofy when discussing the weather, but never both.

Applicant must have strong drawing skills. Including, but not limited to: the ability to render large letters (Hs and Ls only and color them red and blue respectively), curvy lines with bumps on them (both peaked and humped), puffy clouds, yellow suns, etc. Tornado drawing skills are preferred, but not required. Elaborate coloring schemes will be needed to show variations in countrywide temperatures. Applicant will have to answer tough questions like, “The warmest temperature is 50 degrees in Miami, but should 50 ever be burnt orange,” “If I use green to show 65 will people think Tennessee is flooded with rain?”

Applicant is expected at studio at least 15 minutes before beginning of evening news (NOT 15 minutes before the weather segment). Upon arrival, forecast should be downloaded from Weather Channel website. Applicant is expected to fill 3 minutes of air-time and should be careful to avoid mentioning the Weather Channel as the source of weather information. The Weather Channel has long suspected WMMH of “borrowing” forecasts from it website and has taken to surreptitiously adding its name to weather reports. In fact, January 15th’s forecast read: “Cloudy and cool tomorrow Weather Channel low of 32 . . .” Prior weather lady was dismissed for reading the report unedited.

Applicant must have easy rapport with present anchorman. He/She must develop witty retorts to anchorman’s ribbing. For example, anchorman might say, “So, Applicant, what happened to my weekend golf game?” Applicant might respond, “With that slice of yours, you should be happy it rained.” Chuckling applicant is desired. In addition, Applicant will be called upon by anchor people to take responsibility for weather conditions. Applicant is not to control the weather, if able.

Applicant will be asked to deliver inclement weather broadcasts from the outdoors, preferably in improper attire. Studies have shown that viewers are skeptical of forecasts that come from indoors when weather clearly happens out-of-doors. Also, when outdoors, Applicant stands little chance of being wrong about current conditions. Easy rapport is again critical during outdoor reporting. Anchorman: “Boy, Applicant, it’s really cold out there.” Applicant: “You’re right Chuck. I don’t know if you can see this, but look at how blue my ears are!”

Applicant should not develop rapport with sports guy.

Applicant will be expected to interface with sophisticated Triple-Decker Doppler XLJ 10000. Applicant is also expected to interrupt popular network television broadcasts in order to give unnecessary weather reports using aforementioned equipment. For instance: Applicant may need to interrupt Will and Grace in order to give street by street updates on impending fog crisis. During such updates, Applicant is required to mention that WMMH has the most powerful radar equipment in the area (also the coolest graphics). Applicant is NOT to mention that same radar equipment has caused numerous radiation deaths. Additionally, Applicant must not intentionally scare the elderly, but Applicant understands that once frightened, the aged are a loyal audience.

Degree in Meteorology (the study of weather NOT meteors) is not detrimental to hiring. Though it is discouraged if desire to be accurate hinders capacity to develop 60-day forecast.

Please send application to WMMH studios.