goodbye Orlando

My last night in Orlando I went to ESPN Grille . . . again. While the Indians were off Thursday, dinner was not so I headed out for some eats and sports. Whilst quietly enjoying my roast beef sandwich (which was the only good meal I had there), I looked to my right to see two ladies enjoying a pitcher of beer with what looked like a mini-funnel inside. Now look, if science has finally developed a pitcher of beer with a built-in funnel, I'm on board. But that didn't look to be the case. I stared at that damn thing for about an hour. What is it? Finally, the bartender came over, removed the device, dumped it out and filled it with . . . ice. It's called the "Chiller" and it keeps your beer cold. Funny, my solution to that problem has always been to drink faster.

After I solved that mystery I left to wonder the Disney boardwalk. I was lonely. Lonely enough to talk to an ugly person. Don't make me do it. I will. Nevermind the fact that most people consider me amongst their ranks. I would have chatted Quasimodo up. Alas, he must have been up in the belltower.

As I walked along I saw a lot of heavy folks, who looked to have all their limbs functioning nicely, BUT were riding in those powered tricylce dealies and there I was, using my legs like a sucker. Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm as fat and lazy and the next guy, but isn't cruising the not-very-long boardwalk with it's myriad air-conditioned buildings a mere yards away a good time to burn some calories? It's good for the ticker too . . . just throwing it out there.

Eventually, I decided to go to Jellyrolls which is a dueling pianos/sing-a-long bar. There was an eight dollar cover, which I reluctantly paid. Few things in life are worth eight bucks. I was the only person within 600 feet of the cash register, but the girl still saw fit to ask, "Just one ticket?" Right and one for my friend Harvey. I went in to the bar to start a tab. Ok, get this: Jellyrolls charges your credit card 100 dollars for five days. At the end of the five days Jellyrolls credits your account the difference between the 100 dollars and whatever your bill was (try as I might I don't think I could drink the whole allocation). WTF Minney? Is this a Disney bar or some sort of extortion racket? I said I would pay with cash so I gave the bartender all my money and she said she'd Fed Ex me a beer in three weeks.

Seeing as how I was alone, I had a lot of fun. The duelers played "Take On Me." At first I was rockin', but then I cried a little. Why? Who knows. Was it because Aha reminds me of simpler times? Possibly. Because I missed my baby? That's more likely and I did miss myMonica. When you find someone that loves and accepts you far more than you deserve, it hurts to be away. Thank you baby.

At any rate, the duelers played pretty much what you would expect - a lot of Billy Joel, Elton John, etc. I put in a request for Short People along with five bucks (because this is how such things work). About two hours later, I heard my song. Jeez. With that kind of money and time I could have flown Randy Newman in, bought a piano, heard the song and been asleep. Talk about the worst jukebox ever.