righteous indignation

In case you’ve been keeping your head in uncomfortable positions – and judging by the attendance lately some of you have been – the Indians have moved into sole possession of the wildcard lead. WOOT! They are currently 1.5 games ahead of the Athletics (Speaking of dumb team names. We’re Athletic! Look out! Aren’t you scared, we can run around and jump and do sh1t like Athletes do? At least I would respect them if they were decatheletes or even biathletes - huh-huh.) and a half-game ahead of the Yankees. This is the first time the Indians have solely possessed the wildcard lead all year. In honor of the occasion, I will list the reasons I hate the Yankees (any list will be partial as in reality the reasons are too staggeringly numerous to account):

• Firstly, I hate their stupid 3,000 World Series championships, which they rub in your face every chance they get.


• I hate their stupid pinstripes. Wow, they stole an idea from haberdashers of yore. Whoop-de-freakin’-do.


• I hate the Yankee lore and all the stupid awesome hall of famers they’ve ever had.


• I hate their 1.5 trillion dollar payroll and the fact that their 1st base line ball boy makes more than the Indians entire roster (41.8 million dollars).


• I hate that they have their own television network and its call letters are YES. That’s a terrible name. It should be NO! I HATE YOU.


• I hate how ESPN is so obsessed with the freaking Yankees to the detriment of their reporting on every other team (except the Red Sox, a team I also hate. Now, the Royals – that’s a team I can appreciate.) Uhhh, note to ESPN – they have their own freaking network. I know you love them and want them to win the World Series every year, but looks like the Indians are ahead of them now. Uh-oh. Yah, eat it! (At the very least for the next few hours.)


• I hate Derek Jeter. Undoubtedly he is a serviceable shortstop, but since he’s a Yankee, he suddenly becomes the GREATEST SHORTSTOP WHO EVER LIVED (by all baseball standards that are unquantifiable)! Derek Jeter is the most overrated human EVER. You thought it was Frank Sinatra; you were wrong.



• I hate their freak of nature, sometimes mullet-wearing, starting pitcher Randy Johnson. The only man that looks BETTER wearing a mullet than not. As a general rule, Randy, the more you cover, the better off we all are.


• I hate that their 3rd basemen (ARod) is a 50 times better shortstop (offensively and defensively) than their actual shortstop, but nobody cares about that.


• I hate their stupid steroids lovin’ DH/1st baseman Jason Giambi. I especially hate that he CRIED during the press conference announcing his signing with the Yankees. Where was Tom Hanks when this was going on? Beats the hell outta me.


• I hate that George Steinbrenner was born in Rocky River (a suburb of Cleveland).


• I hate that rat-lookin’ Jorge Posada.


• I hate Bernie Williams as he is the only human scientifically proven to have absolutely no detectible personality. Not even when looking with a scanning electron microscope. Not one atom of personality. Shocking.


• I hate the mega-ultra-awesome robotic closer, Mariano Rivera. MUST MAKE SAVE. MUST STRIKE OUT ALL BATTERS. MUST PLEASE GEORGE. BALL 1? DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE! DAISY, DAAAAISSY, GIVE ME YOU ANSWER DOOOOooooOOOooo . . .


• I hate Kevin Brown and the stupid ’97 Florida Marlins. It cuts so deep. Damn you Kevin Brown. Damn you to hell!!


• I hate Gary Sheffield and his stupid mustache. Gary, on a good day you look like Charley Chaplin on a bad one, Hitler. Might want to rethink the facial hair choice.


• Isn't Hideki Matsui one of the Howard brothers?


• I hate that paper-mache armed Jaret Wright . . . well, who doesn’t?


• I hate their stupid other players that I can’t think of right now, especially Ruben Sierra.


• I hate all their young guys who next year will be super-awesome and even if they’re not all we’ll hear about is how super-awesome they’re going to be or how super-awesome they were supposed to be and let’s all be sad they're not.


• Lastly, I hate that we’ll have to win the wildcard from you. Oh wait, I was totally being sarcastic. BOOYAH! It’s gonna be sweet when we win the wildcard and we’re freezing our asses off at Jacob’s Field and you’re all sitting in your mansions drinking pina coladas (what kind of men are you?) and rolling around in 100 dollar bills on top of 3000 dollar bed sheets! Take that Yankees!