a made man

Yesterday, as I’m sure you’re all painfully aware, I did not post. I had gotten into this annoying habit of posting something weekdaily. I even had a couple of multiple post days. Contrary to popular belief, this blog is not written by some super-smart, funny and indefatigable computer program of my design. No, not at all. It’s written by a person who has to pound away at the keyboard for hours on end crafting each post. Most of the time I have to of be typing like 40 words per minute – honest. Every day I’m risking carpal tunnel for you. I hope you appreciate it.

At any rate, being freed from the crushing expectations of mediocrity, I slept for a few hours and then watched multiple episodes of Season 4 of The Simpsons (including the classic Whacking Day episode). And then I went to a bar and had some beers. It was a completely average and uneventful night in my life until I was rudely ignored by an old friend.

I saw said "old friend" walking from the bar to the patio as I was doing the reverse. "Oh," I thought, "it's Crystal." We were about 15 feet away from each other as I was just about to open my mouth to say “hi” and perhaps start a (short – I promise) conversation when she did the, “oh-my-the-stars-are-pretty-tonight” look-away move. I was nonplussed as I had not done a "ouch-I-have-a-crick-in-my-neck" look in return. I was instead left looking doe-eyed into the middle distance of the bar. How embarrassing.

Previously I would have called us "chat-for-a-few-minutes" friends. And that's not a lot to ask. Really. I’m not particularly awkward to talk to. I always keep it general. "Hey, what have you been up to? Still in school ["deadbeat" implied]? How’s the husband?" etc. I don’t roll up all like, "Hey, it’s been awhile, ever had herpes?" or "Huh, you haven’t changed your hairstyle yet," or "Remeber when my buddy totally used you for sex in high school and I was left to pick up the pieces and be emotionally supportive even though you wouldn't give me any. That was awesome." That's fine; look away. Whatever. I don’t like everybody; everybody doesn’t like me.

That’s fine Crystal. You sit in your freaking tower, high and mighty, with your wanna-be rock star husband who needs a hair cut and a job with benefits. Go ahead and judge me unworthy of your time. But don’t you ever forget that I have a blog. And that blog is read by tens of people and if those same people ever see you on the street and for some reason they know who you are - may God have mercy on your soul. They might seem nice and sensible and leave funny comments, but they’re mean and they have sharp nails and teeth and are jaded most of the time and they can be killer sarcastic. I've seen them make people cry in horror and insultedness. If you see them coming, you'd better run and hide my friend because when you fuck with me, you fuck with the people who read my blog. And if I haven't made it clear: they are wicked surly!

Crystal, Crystal, what a ridiculous pseudonym I've made up for you. That's what you get for ignoring me.