hell hath no fury like a dork scorned

A few months ago, I bought a laptop from CompUsa. Why? Not really sure. So far its most useful function has been watching movies in airports, but for whatever reason I thought it would be a good idea. I already had a desktop, but I felt all lonely in my bedroom, slaving away on the blog for days and days on-end without the company and background noise a television provides. And from the ad in the paper, it looked like a good deal . . . AFTER rebates. The devil, as they say, is in getting your fucking rebate money!

Upon receipt of the laptop, I also receipted about 72 pieces of documentation. I got a receipt, a rebate receipt, a shipping invoice, the most recent Dilbert cartoon and a watercolor of me buying the thing. All that was fine and good. I presumably had everything necessary to get my money.

After my purchase, I got my craft supplies out and started cutting, copying, editing, getting everything ready for sending into the rebate center. I sent in a bunch of stuff and a couple weeks later I got an email saying my rebate submission had been received. Then I got a message saying I hadn't sent something in that I was supposed to, a sales receipt. I called CompUSA and the girl explained to me (rather rudely, I might add) which part of the sales portfolio I got that I had yet to send in.

I sent what any person would assume was a sales receipt. We went back and forth forever and I even faxed it in again. Finally the customer "service" email guy, Mel, determined that the thing they gave me that looked and acted like a receipt wasn't actually a receipt at all. Instead it was some other thing that had a total on it and was otherwise masquerading as a reciept. I was also informed that I would have to travel BACK to CompUSA to get this "real receipt." Well, I was not pleased with this piece of information and sent the following message to Mel:

This is completely ridiculous. So you're telling me the receipt that COMPUSA gives me is invalid for a rebate from COMPUSA???? How about you guys coordinate your operations SO I GET THE RECEIPT I NEED TO GET THE REBATE? Or is the point of this whole charade to frustrate me to the point that I say, "Screw it. Dealing with this stupidity isn’t worth the ulcers."? Why is this rebate based on my ability to do paperwork, rather than whether or not I actually purchased the machine? How is it that my receipt doesn’t "prove" that I made the purchase that I'm applying for? Where, praytell, did I acquire all the other documentation? Is it all clever forgery? If so, why didn't I forge the alleged "missing" receipt so that I could finally end this nuisance to myself? Is it because I enjoy this tomfoolery? It couldn't be that as I am not enjoying this. I am actually rather bothered by your reluctance to release the rebate when it is perfectly obvious by any reasonable or fair standard that I did in fact purchase the product in question.

I initially sent the freaking invoice for the computer with requisite copies of model numbers. I sent a bunch of labels from the box, the rebate receipt, my name, address, email, and whatever other information you wanted. Is there any doubt that I purchased the machine? Should I have taken a photo at the point of sale with me in a "thumbs-up" posture as I signed my sales receipt? Oh wait, that’s not a receipt, my bad, it’s just some random piece of paper that says I spent 1100 dollars on something completely unrelated at COMPUSA on that very same day as I bought a rebate-eligible laptop. Would you also like a DNA sample? Maybe there is some residual genetic material in the store at COMPUSA pertaining to this transaction. Maybe I could FEDEX the salesperson that sold me the computer to your address and he can personally testify to the validity of my claim. Perhaps I could stage a play at your location in which I recreate the circumstances of the activity and reenact my purchase of the laptop complete with sound effects and the ACTUAL credit card I used to make the purchase.

Your company's conduct in this matter is reprehensible. I’m sure everyone is just "doing their job", but the system is crooked and deeply flawed. You're no better than a gang of 30's style grifters. BUT, in the interest of not driving myself insane, I suppose I will traverse the distance (out of my way, mind you) to obtain this mythical lord of the receipts, which is better in every way than the receipt I now possess.

Mel never wrote back. It hurts Mel. It hurts bad.