your mother should know . . .

Ever have one of those days when you avoid work at all costs? I'm like Nicole Richie at a Sandwich Convention - totally disinterested. And I would like to thank the members of the committee for giving me the award for most strained simile of 2006. Thank you.

Anyway, instead of starting a new project, I will write a numbered list of things which you can share with your family - depending on how hilarious they think my hijinks/observations/public embarrassments are.

1. I am really bah-da-bap-ba-ba lovin' the "new" Belle and Sebastian album, The Life Pursuit. In retrospect I feel as if I was punishing myself by waiting so long to purchase it. Stupid Me.


2. Ding-dong my school loan's dead. The final payment was a few thousand dollars so I got about 8 warning messages about insufficient funds fees and the criminal nature of falsifying loan payment information. It was almost like they didn't want me to pay it off - huh. Despite my fear, it's probably my finest accomplishment thus far.


3. I saw a guy wearing a tie with an extra-wide knot, perhaps trying to cover the fact that he had the top two buttons of his shirt undone. So very strange.


4. Two items left-over from my Anaheim trip (insert nested-list logic):
   
   • I got yelled at for "jaywalking" by a 100-year-old convention worker. A non-thru-street runs in front of the convention center. There was a crosswalk directly in front of where cabs made their u-turns. I thought I'd be nice and walk in front of the cabs (and crosswalk) so they could u-turn while I went by. That's when Methuselah yelled at me to "stay between the lines." I wanted to make a comment that life wasn't a coloring book or some such, but I figured the profundity of it might cause a massive coronary, so I just did as I was told and kept my mouth shut.
   
   
   • This one is kind of hard to explain, but boy was my face red. They had a "bookstore." I quote it because it was a few tables set-up with some books on them. I was reaching for a book and at the same time, unbeknownst to me, a gentleman slightly behind me was grabbing a book right next to the one I was reaching for. (Just sketch it out on a napkin or something.) I did not see the guy's hand, just the book "falling." It wasn't falling, but that's what it looked like - like I had knocked the book off the table. Now, seeing as how I'm a roller-hockey goalie (and ninja), my reflexes are pretty good. I shot my right arm down in an attempt to catch the book. Well, this dude's arm was in the path of where my brain had determined the book was going to rendezvous with my hand. I totally fucking karate chopped this guy right below the elbow. He looked at me in utter disbelief. I tried to explain the thing about the book falling and my ninjaing skills, but he kind of mumbled to himself and backed slowly away.
   
   
5. Motorpursey guy parks in my lot. I might have to key his car or something. I have a personal set of man-laws. Including, but not limited to: every guy should be able to tie a tie; every guy should have at least 20 dollars cash on his person at all times (this is a "person" law, but the ladies don't usually abide); no guy should wheel a fanny pack around downtown Cleveland. I'm sorry; it's just how I feel. Maybe I will send the eunichs to shame him.


6. The weather has been unseasonably nice. I always feel guilty for liking it because my dad is in the heating industry. Studies have shown that cold weather makes people use more heat and heating type products. You can look it up. It's science.

Well have a great weekend - or more likely - I hope you had a great weekend.