the cube whisperer

I work with a dude that's a big talker. On more than one occasion, I've seen the guy blow 5 or 6 hours of his day chatting. He'll stand in someone's cube and go on and on and on.

I have no idea what requires such exposition. You see, I have the fortunate happenstance of him being a little afraid of me. Now, for most of you, that assertion seems outlandish, especially when you consider I have yet to send him a throat-slash-roger email. I am a huge pushover and if he came to my cube and talked for 3 hours, I would sit there and take it. At the same time, I warm slowly to people. And he's a relatively new guy. Since I rarely work with him, I don't have to interact, therefore I'm not going to go over and share how tough the Cavs loss was on me. When he does have a legitimate need to talk to me, I'm usually pretty short with him, because it's awkward and always, in the back of my mind, lurks the specter of him never leaving my cube; following me to the parking lot, talking; yelling as he runs alongside my car on the highway; relaxing on my couch, jawing, while I Netflix - you get the idea. This fear keeps my quality time with Chatty Charlie at a minimum.

Others are not so lucky. Another co-worker of mine, nice guy, often falls victim to Chatty Charlie. Let's call him Bleeding Ears McJones. Old Bleeding Ears, try as he might, is unable to escape the conversational bonds that keep him locked to Chatty Charlie. How do I know? Well, he decided to hold B.E. hostage right behind my cube. This is annoying to no end. How can I work? How can I notWork? Normally, under the duress of such a distraction, I would put on my headphones and rock to some (currently) Michael Penn.

In this case, I can not do that. For with Chatty Charlie there is a catch. He whispers. Everything. The one way to ensure that I too am held captive by his conversations is for him to whisper everything he says (well that and stand behind me). What matters of intrigue is he discussing? What's the rumpus? Is there an office romance I'm unaware of? Is someone getting fired? From previous experience, I know he doesn't say anything really cool that I don't know about yet. It's indubitably something mundane. But, the mind sharpens and the ears focus (mine can). "Why haven't I ordered Whisper 2000 yet? Maybe there's a Whisper 2006 and I can hear his THOUGHTS. Would those be in whisper format?"

So, all morning I was left in such a bind - straining to hear what wisdom Chatty Charlie had to share. After their conversation ended, I had this email exchange with Bleeding Ears:

me: you can not escape! I saw you trying. What does he talk about for so long?

He was trying to do the "uh-huh," edge away thing, but Chatty will have none of that. His gums keep smacking.

BE: Start with a service call (for 5 minutes) and end with problems with highways and ODOT [Ohio Dept. of Transportation] and everything in between.

Looks like I didn't miss anything this time. There's two hours I'm never getting back.