now for something completely different

Last week, after more than holding my own in a "Simon Says" contest, I took in my yearly allowance of fireworks. I didn't ingest them orally, rather I watched from afar as they lit-up the sky like so many neon 80's spandex shorts. I'm notorious for my dislike of fireworks. Not that I hate them. I don't consider myself "above" fireworks. (I'll spare you the bad joke I perfectly set myself up for.) But, honestly, I don't understand the widespread fascination. People actually get EXCITED to go see fireworks. To me, that's like getting in your car in eager anticipation of all the cool billboards that await you. Fireworks have been around for 2000 years and really, there's not much new going on. To my mind, see one set, seen 'em all. Let me know when they've invented something different and cool like the flag in fireworks or a portrait of Abraham Lincoln - something. Instead it's the same old thing. Colored fire lighting up the sky in circular patterns.

And then you've got your amazed masses. Amazed at what, I'm not sure, but boy do you hear the "ooohs and aaahs". What are we thinking here people? "Wow! Red fireworks! That was totally unexpected! And now blue? You've got to be kidding me. And hey, that one made a white flash with a really loud noise. This is insane! When will the innovations stop?" Sure, if you've never seen fireworks before, they'd blow your fucking mind, but we all have, so keep it in your pants.

Maybe its turning 29, but I don't suffer fireworks gladly anymore.