Tuesday, July 05, 2005

a man's guide to engagement

A good friend of mine was engaged over the holiday weekend. Congratulations and all that, but that's not my aim here. My friend is about to endeavor on an experience for which he is wholly unprepared. How do I know? Well, although I've never been married, I have been engaged. (In astronomical terms it's called a "near miss".) I know full well what he is about to experience. The following is advice I would have liked after I stupidly proposed:
  1. Ask now. Never will you be in better graces with your future bride than the 2-4 weeks after you pop the question. Nothing butters the ladies up more than receiving a ridiculously overpriced piece of jewelry. If you need her to work on your car, or you want to ask her to have your bachelor party in Vegas with the boys, or you need to tell her you've got VD, do it soon. It's all downhill from here.
  2. Always remember: NOBODY cares what you think. Solicited opinions are ignored; unsolicited opions are met with sneers and annoyance. Really, what do you know about the emotional implications of napkin color?
  3. If you must run your mouth about something, pick one thing. (Keeping in mind #2.) Constant harping on a single issue may yield results. However, do not make it a contest of wills. Women have a very distinct idea of what they want their wedding to be and will not hesitate to switch to a more accommodating groom. Besides, who really cares what type of petals the flower girl(s) have?
  4. Even though nothing you think, say or do will have much of an effect on the festivities, it's important that you show up for all the planning activities. It's the cruelest of all fates. If you don't participate, you don't love your bride-to-be, and somehow, "Why should I go? It's not like you're going to listen to what I have to say and besides, I don't even care" doesn't really help the cause. Just shut-up, get in the car and drive. Mostly you're there to carry shit and guard against panhandlers and pick-pockets. Cake bakers have notoriously sticky fingers. (Oh, you'll never read the blog again? I dare you!)
  5. Don't have plans for your bachelor party - at least, publicly-declared plans. You might as well get yelled at AFTER you've done something stupid. Why add on before and during yelling?
  6. Everything will be 600% more expensive than it should be. But "this is your day" and hopefully it's her parents' money.
  7. Registering for gifts - call in sick that day.
  8. Invite as many far-away friends and relatives as you can think of. They probably won't show and you'll get a gift from someone not stuffing their piehole on your dime all night.
  9. Remember #3, about distinct idea for how their wedding should be? When you're talking her dress, just hand over your wallet and get out of the way.

Of course, this is all anecdotal. Your results may vary.


Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

Weddings are stupid & a waste of money. If you feel the need to torture yourself, elope.

7:04 PM

Anonymous solyluna said...

who needs a wedding when you can have a drive up chapel in Vegas?

11:01 AM

Blogger Joe said...

Excellent point about it being better to ask for forgiveness than permission. You should go into some sort of groom consulting business.

1:45 PM

Blogger roger said...

No love for the traditional wedding! Or for weddings in general, unless NYM has a unique way of showing the love. I tend to agree, purely from the standpoint of bride and groom, BUT isn't it unfair to deny my friends and family a kickass reception? I mean, especially since I've vomitted on a lot of their reception dance floors.

Joe: I LIKE it. All right people - start signing up.

3:42 PM

Blogger NewYorkMoments said...


I hate anything that's preceeded by "traditional."

4:43 PM

Blogger roger said...

traditional horse whipping?

7:20 AM

Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

Yes, traditional horse whipping, but.... In the sense that I use it, Roger, it can only be connected to the S&M world. Which, after all, is NON-traditional. Now, will you prefer to wear a bridle or a latex gimp suit for your whipping?

11:13 AM


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