Happy 4th!

Happy 4th of July to all my American friends and everybody else . . . I guess. I didn't know if I'd be able to post this on the actual 4th of July, because futureRoger has demonstrated that he is COMPLETELY unreliable. It's sad really. I had so much hope for him. So, if it's the 1st or the 5th, just get all patriotic like it's the 4th and make this run smoothly for everyone. All right? All right.

I am of the opinion that to the detriment of our fine nation the 4th has become a celebration of hot dogs and colored explosives, when really we should be celebrating our 229-year detachment from the teat and fist of British rule. In the spirit of trying to recapture what the day is really all about, here is a list of activities in which you should partake, rather than stuffing your face with sausages and oohing and ahhhing at fireworks:

• Burn “Fat George” in effigy (I’m talking King George III).
• Watch Benny Hill and boo vigorously every time he’s eyeballing a woman. (Note: this will require 30 minutes of non-stop booing.)
• Make a British friend and then anonymously send him tubes of toothpaste.
• Try to break the unholy alliance forged between the Rolling Stones and the devil.
• Flip over the next mini-Cooper you see and kick it repeatedly.
• Reenact the Battle of Lexington and Concord. (Sounds easy, but trust me, you’ll be doing most of it yourself.)
• Stop the charade that is James Bond.
• Picket PBS to get them to stop playing all those ridiculously bad British comedies. There are plenty of crappy American shows for our tax dollars to subsidize. If not, I’ll make some.
• Never say, “Bollocks!” or “bloody ‘ell!” However, you may refer to others as “guv’nor” especially if you're a chimney sweep.
• Make the Buckingham guards laugh. (Incidentally, are the guards allowed to react if you steal their hats or shoot them?)

I’m sure you can think of dozens more things to do this Monday. (Anymore than 10 and you’re way better than me.) So, when you celebrate your freedom, remember that way back in 1776 it took brass balls to declare yourself free of the British empire. (And by the way, don't blow off your hand setting off fireworks.)