needs

Currently - a fanny pack. I dropped a pen in my lap and I need one to cover the ink arrow pointing at my crotch, you know, in case you don't know how to get there. I'd have to wear it front-style, because, that's where the crotch proper is. Indubitably this would lead to ridicule of me amongst all my fanny pack brethren. You're only supposed to rotate to the front for retrieval - like a switch.

And maybe a fanny pack extension to cover the buffalo sauce while I'm at it. Or I could scrap the fanny pack all together and go with an apron. "Kiss the Slob" or some such. I once got food on my ear unintentionally.