happiness is a warm pun

Being a good Catholic boy, I've once again given up making fun of people for Lent. theMonica is quite the stickler on this because she thinks everything I say is in some way an effort to ridicule someone. Notwithstanding the fact that she is correct, this criticism will not stand! I contend that while others may deem what I am saying as an insult, it is up to me, in my heart of hearts to determine whether or not I'm crossing the invisible line.

With this in mind, here is a handy-dandy user's guide for my own personal "not making fun of people" self-ban:

• You are safe . . . for now: The purpose of giving the lenten something up is self-sacrifice. To be a sacrifice, the "thing" has to be something you enjoy - ice cream, World of Warcraft, knitting, etc. I am giving up my most favorite thing: making fun of people. Super-most favorite of all is making fun of people to their faces. That is out. Also, making fun of people behind their backs to someone else. By people I mean other friends.


• Fame is no guardian: Celebrities are fair game. This became a sticking point after I referenced Anna Nicole Smith's dead, rotting corpse. I said it was ok, since there was no way it could hurt her personally. 1. She's dead. And 2. She doesn't read the blog, so therefore, it's all good. If you are a celebrity who enjoys the blog, reveal yourself now so that I don't make fun of you.


• The Reverse Jimmy Carter Clause: Mockery in my mind (literally) is not an infringement on my Lenten sacrifice in any way, shape or form. In fact, lack of verbalization is probably grounds for sainthood.


• Ease my way into things: Those near to me should expect, nay, appreciate my myriad slips early in the Lenten season. I am so adept at making fun (and it spreads so much joy!) that early on in the process I'm often just ripping into people unabated. You don't stop a 747 all at once. You gotta finesse it a little.


• Blog exemptions: I'm allowed to write certain things on the blog that count as making fun if I were to say them to someone else. Why? Why should I punish my loyal fives of readers? Certainly they deserve something for coming back again and again. And that something is continued bloggery mockery.


• I did it for you!: This yearly exercise only serves to spike my blood pressure. Consider the serenity you're now feeling comes at the expense of my health. You're welcome.