feelin' old?

Then B-I-N-G-O!

theMonica and I took my aunt to BINGO! last night.

A few observations:

• Nothing can make you feel younger than going to bingo. For serious. Unless you are the absolute oldest person there/alive, you are sure to find someone 30 years your senior. I saw a 90-year-old woman telling a 120-year-old guy that he was old enough to be her grandfather (they're used to younger reproduction) and WAY TOO OLD to date.


• I am the bionic woman of Bingo night. It's true. Because in this setting I have ultra-sensitive hearing. Old people mutter under their breath a lot louder than what you normally encountered. The bingo pimp in front of me (older gentleman, track suit, shark tooth necklace, bling all over) was guilty of this. Every once in a while I'd hear him . . . "Son of a bitch," "Awwww go to hell!" along with a couple of god damns thrown in for good measure.


• Even on the cankle, I'm pretty sure I could outrun every person there.


• This ain't your mother's bingo. Well, actually it probably is. The vast majority of games required DOUBLE bingo. Which is one bingo, plus another - at the same time. There are also other, previously unknown to me, ways to make bingo - such as postage stamps (only one per double bingo), four corners, etc.


• No corn kernels anywhere in sight to eat. (This joke exclusively for RS2 and any other Moss Creek readers I might have.)


• You can have wild balls (huh-huh) and shit. Old people be blowin' up with the bingo games. There were games where you make an "X" or "U" or complete the inside frame. I made a smiley face, but apparently that doesn't count as bingo.


• Even when you cheat you can't win. The wild ball game takes the ending digit of the first ball and makes it wild - meaning, you can mark any number on your cards which ends in the wild. So, 14 makes ending 4 wild = 4, 14, 24, 34, 44, 54, 64, 74. I was confused and thought it was ALL fours (so, x4 numbers and 4x numbers). Despite this considerable head start, I still didn't win. And I'm really glad I didn't. I would gotten all Night of the Living Dead on me. That's when I started considering my running speed vis-a-vis the rest of the bingo population.


• 98% of all people there were joyless. I thought bingo was supposed to be a social activity, but it seemed more like a library. My aunt was even commenting on how generally nasty bingo people were. Case in point, we were reprimanded for sitting 3 at a table. 3 at a table that was NEXT to a table where a woman was going to be sitting. Since I don't weigh 1500 pounds, it turned out not to be a problem.

So whenever you feel the boney hand of the grim reaper tapping on your shoulder, sing those magical 5 letters . . .