average joe's

They opened a gym in my building. It's really nice. I say this based on what others have told me as I've never belonged to a gym or gone to a gym that wasn't of the basketball variety. I belong to the outdoors and that's usually where I do my exercising - just running around in nature, birds chirping overhead, squirrels looking on disinterestedly.

When the gym opened they offered to assess your health. It was some battery of tests that determined where you stood, physically, amongst your peers. I prefer to stand in the back, shying away from the crowd, cowering slightly so as not to be called on by the teacher. Despite this predilection, I signed up for the assessment.

I found out that the idea is that each year you'll get assessed and then, as time goes by, you'll be more and more fit and the numbers will bear that out. That's all well and good, but I took away a few things of my own:

• I embarrass easy. I had signed up for the assessment against my better judgement. Just because, why would I want to embarrass myself for no particular reason? It was completely voluntary. I was under no obligation to do so. I understood I wouldn't do well, but, all the same, the test made me very anxious. So anxious, in fact, that my blood pressure tested at heart attack over coronary explosion. First time through, they would not give me the assessment. It was "too dangerous," even though my "heart wasn't racing," and "my ears weren't red." I suppose the idea of being poked and laughed at, while Pillsburian, had been making me nervous since I had signed up for it.
  
  I had to wait a couple of weeks to go back to do the test again. I was so concerned about my blood pressure that I bought a home tester. While my BP was higher than recommended, it was nowhere near my pre-assessment level. The day for my test arrived again.
  
  I was yet again, shaky with mild fear. This time my blood pressure tested out as cheeseburger over salt lick and I was cleared for the work out portion.


• I'm 5'10 and 3/4". That rounds to 6 foot, right?


• My policy of not letting people pinch my fat turns out to have been a pretty solid one.


• Much to my disappointment, there was no bone size testing.


• I'm pretty weak. I had to do push-ups as part of the assessment. And apparently there's a "right" way to do them. And it's not the girl way.


• I am fatty. If I were sold in an Organic Food Store (for cannibals), I would not be in the lean cuisine/healthy heart section of the grocery store. I would be stored elsewhere, preferably near the Cool Ranch Doritos.

At the end, the fitness-type person ran my results through the old abacass and I came back, bloated jiggly pansy. Those aren't the FIRST three adjectives I'd use to describe myself, but I prefer that description to crippingly obese.

Duly inspired, I've been using the facility regularly. Does my text look bolder? I am beating the crap out of my keyboard these days.