the red scare

Well, today is “Go Red For WOMEN” day around the office. You see, the day is supposed to raise awareness that heart disease is the number one killer of WOMEN (and men) in the United States. While heart disease is the biggest killer of all, but for some reason at the company we are only supposed to care that women get heart disease and die. Oh, men die too? That’s too bad, but did you know that heart disease is the number one killer of WOMEN (and men) in the United States.

Physically, the deck is stacked for the ladies. They live longer and are generally healthier than men. Heart disease plays no favorites, in terms of gender, so why should we? Who cares that men contract the disease earlier than women? And generally don’t live as long as women do? Besides, all women are essentially doctors. Any woman can give you an accurate diagnosis to your personal ailments based on the smallest piece of information. I can't tell you how many times have I've been diagnosed as a "dumbass" after talking to a woman for only a few minutes. I guess it’s that innate maternal instinct. You know what men can do? Drink beer. Which, I’m sure is a big contributor to the onset of heart disease. But, we’re not supposed to care about that. Oh no, pay no attention to the dead, rotting man corpses you see in the streets, falling victims of heart disease as they walk about town.

Breast cancer, I understand. It's all you ladies. Not a lot of men contract breast cancer. I don’t even know if it’s physically possible. I will gladly "Go Pink" for breast cancer. (Does that mean I have to be gay for a day?) But I will only "go red" over my cold, dead heart-disease infested body!