WTF SNL?

I had the unfortunate luck of being home on Saturday at 11:30 p.m. As we all know (or are about to know), Saturday Night Live airs in this time slot. Why was I at home when most people are out, partying down? Was it the overindulgence of Friday night? Was it the arduous co-ed touch football battle royale of Saturday afternoon? Was it the voices in my head demanding Cool Ranch Doritos and Heath Chunky Ben and Jerry's? It was all of this and more my friends. But my harrowing tale is essentially unrelated to the circumstances of my empty social calendar.

Jon Heder was the host. Can anyone say "one-trick pony"? You can? Excellent. Repeat it often. Heder was not funny. He stumbled over nearly all of his lines. It's a little soon to be phonin' it Jonny boy. My thoughts on the merits of Napolean Dynamite notwithstanding, the American public is in the midst of deciding if you'll be getting an extension on your 15 minutes. At least until Napolean Dynamite II: The Return of Random Meaningless Shit Said in a Funny Voice.

Ashleeee Simpson was the "musical" guest. (Have I tipped off my thoughts on her performance? Damn sarcastic quotes always providing too-revealing foreshadowing.) The good news was she wasn't lip-synching; the bad news was she wasn't lip-synching. One should never underestimate the soothing effects of computer-enhanced music production. Ash's sonic qualities are roughly equivalent to a hangover. Dear lord, the girl simply can't sing. It had been another night like Saturday when I witnessed the original jiggy-awkwardness that was the sound guy starting the wrong track for her second song on the SNL stage. Oh the schadenfreude and how I reveled in it! Then I felt kind of bad as, after all, she's only a kid. It should have been her creepy dad out there, stunned and embarrassed, but he was probably too busy expounding on the merits of Jessica's rack to be bothered. At any rate, there weren't any great blunders and I have to give her props for going back to endure further scorn at the hands of insignificant bloggers everywhere. That's right Ashleeee. Perhaps a dozen people will read this entry and they will be returning their Ashlee Simpson albums to your location posthaste . . . simply because of my influence!

As bad as I thought Ashleeeeeeeee was, I have to admit that her performance was funnier than anything else on the show, as its stupidity did not anger me. The last three episodes of SNL that I've seen have been progressively the worst episodes of SNL that I have seen. I'm beginning to think they're changing the format to docu-drama or something. The "commercial" was good and Weekend Update had a couple of chuckles, but otherwise I didn't laugh or even smile. I smirked twice, I think, but one of those times I had stubbed my toe. Has Fred Armisen ever said anything funny? Did you witness it first hand? Do you have video? Could you send it to SNL, so they can air it and I can watch and join in on the joke? How someone can look that much like Alfred E. Neuman and not be funny is beyond me. Amy Poehler is probably the funniest of this year's terrible ensemble. (We need more words for unfunny. Like if the cast of SNL had their own language would they have 30 words for "not funny"? I think so. Other words fit, but not encompassing the sense of something that is supposed to be funny.) Debbie Downer has been known to make me laugh - if only because of the alliteration.

I've always thought the quality of SNL has been pretty consistent over the years. A few funny sketches in the beginning, a funny "commercial", a clever, if uninspired, Weekend Update followed by 30 minutes of hit-or-miss filler. Well, the 2005-2006 season aims to give you all filler, all the time.